Just to set things straight first up - I do`nt have depression but am like the basketball rolling on the rim of the hoop and have been like that for probably 15 years. I have been fortunate as I have been able to pull back before i fall through the net. The reason I say I dont have depression (At least i dont think i have)is because i dont feel the `dark cloud` that i hear so much about, following me, sometimes it`s overcast but not permanent.
Now lately things are getting worse. I am engaged to be married. The end problem is i get accused of not sharing my thoughts and keeping my problems to myself. One of the causes is I dont have anybody I feel i can open up to and share things with, on the other hand my girl has literally hundreds of friends, She had to make a shortlist to choose her bridesmaids I on the other hand know plenty of males but dont consider them anywhere near close enough to be groomsman material. This problem shows an example of how things translate to a lot of the other problems I have. If we have a fight, which is not often, she runs off to her friends, gives her version of favor and fault and gets all sorts of varied advice from her army of friends, whereas I both have no one to talk to and also cannot defend myself. So now when we socialize with her friends i try to avoid them as i have known what type of things she has said and feel almost self consious of how I am perceived. This has led from a common fight which involves her being moody and me `having to live with it` because she is just in this mood. So I get brought down then she is all happy but i am down, so now i am an a** for being quiet and withdrawn. Her moody is being snappy and, honestly, offensive. She has no concept of `now you know how it feels` It`s ok for her to be moody, to be lazy, to not even notice i am talking to her because she is watching tv. If she is watching a TV show i dont like then i either stay and put up with it `to spend time with her` or i go somewhere else. If i choose the latter then i get accused of not wanting to spend time with her, but in the opposite scenario she leaves me to watch my show so i can `watch it in peace`. Then there is the fact she has her face stuck in her phone constantly. If she is`nt doing something on it then she is checking it every 2 or 3 minutes seriously. So she says "Talk to me so our problems are out in the open" So I do and within minutes I am accused of laying a guilt trip on her. She has no idea whats involved in doing her part to fix a problem, it`s easier to say I am laying a guilt trip on her rather than think she is actually upsetting me. So I say "alright i`ll keep things to myself it`s easier" - Guilt trip. "Ok then because you sit on the net for hours at a time when I want to spend time with you that upsets me" - guilt trip. I guess the fact I have no one to confide in is the real kicker, I am an only child and really have never been pushed by my folks to be a supreme court judge or anything like that, but my mother especially would always make a big deal about things that dont need to be. Now she is living with us in a granny flat I get it from there too. She tries to manipulate things, Like for instance once she went out and while i was asleep getting ready for my night shift she texts me and says "The train will be there at 8" So I called her and she says I offered to pick her up that morning... Which i did`nt at all, so i debate it and get a guilt trip from that side saying "Ok dont bother then" I have no problem with doing it, but I dont like being lied to and manipulated. By anyone. Even at work, my boss thinks i`am an idiot, but thats another story.
I thought maybe helping people would help me and it did and perhaps thats what has kept me falling through, but I realized i should worry about myself and only help people who ask for it. Do I do things for other people to make myself a better person? Or do I become a better person so I am able to help people more effectively? Or do I just live life and do what needs to be done as i go along? One thing about me that is ironic is that I am great at giving advice and making people see things clearly when they are confused, but cant do this for myself.
I seem to have so many issues poking me from some many different directions. I feel bad as I have read others posts and feel mine is quite minor comparison to most, yet I feel this is as close to having someone to talk to as I can get right now. This is only a drop in the ocean as far as thing I am facing and they dont seem to be getting any better. Thanks for reading this and if you are having problems i hope you have some success in sorting them out.