so i'm 19. I've been with my husband for a year and a half almost, we've been married for about 8 months now. He's the first guy i dated, first guy i kissed etc. So theres a strong connection between us.

But. I'm confused. I'm still hurting from his cheating on me. (long story shot he promised to stop it if i said i couldnt handle it and when i tried he refused. it was a painfull two months to be in a threeway relationship with his ex, and hearing him say he loved her, and then to see them and be involved in the sex. I didnt want to be involved but i put aside it all because it was either i do it or i would loose him. I hate it all. (no he never threatened that if i didnt do theses things he'd leave me. I just assumed because he was a weird person then.) (and this is a VERY summerized version of the story..)

its been nearly a year since that happened and I still havent forgiven him, nor do i trust him. its made me tighten the reins so to speak..i'm controlling, and we fight all the time over the stupidest of things. and i get violent often hitting him because as i say every time i want him I'm bi-polar and have hard time controlling my moods...at times i get violent..but i never used to be angry untill all that crap happened.

he says he loves me with all his heart and wants to grow old with me, but all i can think of when he says that is how he promised it all once before and took it all back and put me through hell for something from his past.

more and more often i think of leaving, i try leaving but i realize i have no where to go adn that i'd miss him. i cant tell if its love of the fact i've grown used to having him around and it would scare me to not have that.

Theres times when i love him yes..but then theres times when i feel nothing but pain and end up crying when he says he loves me.

does this all mean its over? or is it possible to still save it? I dont want to hurt him, i'd rather be unhappy the rest of my life then to see him hurting.