so i'm 19. I've been with my husband for a year and a half almost, we've been married for about 8 months now. He's the first guy i dated, first guy i kissed etc. So theres a strong connection between us.
But. I'm confused. I'm still hurting from his cheating on me. (long story shot he promised to stop it if i said i couldnt handle it and when i tried he refused. it was a painfull two months to be in a threeway relationship with his ex, and hearing him say he loved her, and then to see them and be involved in the sex. I didnt want to be involved but i put aside it all because it was either i do it or i would loose him. I hate it all. (no he never threatened that if i didnt do theses things he'd leave me. I just assumed because he was a weird person then.) (and this is a VERY summerized version of the story..)
its been nearly a year since that happened and I still havent forgiven him, nor do i trust him. its made me tighten the reins so to speak..i'm controlling, and we fight all the time over the stupidest of things. and i get violent often hitting him because as i say every time i want him I'm bi-polar and have hard time controlling my moods...at times i get violent..but i never used to be angry untill all that crap happened.
he says he loves me with all his heart and wants to grow old with me, but all i can think of when he says that is how he promised it all once before and took it all back and put me through hell for something from his past.
more and more often i think of leaving, i try leaving but i realize i have no where to go adn that i'd miss him. i cant tell if its love of the fact i've grown used to having him around and it would scare me to not have that.
Theres times when i love him yes..but then theres times when i feel nothing but pain and end up crying when he says he loves me.
does this all mean its over? or is it possible to still save it? I dont want to hurt him, i'd rather be unhappy the rest of my life then to see him hurting.
Men like this don't hurt forever. You are your only priority.
You haven't built a family (or well, you haven't mentioned that you have) with this man yet so I would say... Yes, this should DEFINITELY be the end.
These feelings of pain, jealousy, (painful) nostalgia, etc. most likely will not go away with him.. Or will take a very long time to heal over. And I believe (from many, many personal experiences), once a cheater.. ALWAYS a cheater!!!
Plus, it's difficult if this has been your only serious relationship to decipher your feelings into: true "love of your life love that you couldn't bare losing" OR you do love him but it's also more of a fear to be detached from someone you have so many memories with, etc..
Personally, I think you're a really young girl and deserve to feel feelings of freedom and happiness and you should experience what others have to offer at this point in your life!
When is enough enough. . . When you know you don't want to live the rest of your life with him, thinking of what he did everyday. When you think about spending the rest of your life with a grudge against him and hating him for what he did. When you think of spending years with someone who treated you like you were next to nothing and didn't seem to feel bad. When you think about spending the rest of your life with someone who was so disrespectful towards you that was supposed to treat you like a queen.
You will think of all these things for the rest of your life. Do you want to live with it?