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When does porn in a relationship become disrespectful? (Page 1)

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have been living together for 8 months. Everything else for the most part is good, however porn has been one of the biggest issues in our relationship. I dislike porn and it's sleeziness and degradation to women. I know most men look at it once in awhile. However, I feel like my boyfriend looks at it too much and focuses more on it then he does on our sex life. He masturbates to porn 2-3 times a week, while we only have sex 1-3 times every two weeks. This hasn't been a new thing, it's pretty much recurred through our whole relationship. I feel like instead of working on making our sex life more exciting, he spends his energy on porn. I have tried to be okay with it, but every time I see it on our history, as a new bookmark, recently added to the documents on the computer, or I see the drawer with his "special" lotion in it ajar, I am extremely hurt. Is his porn habit too frequent compared to how often we have sex? Is there something I can do to accept this even though I feel it is wrong in a relationship, especially when my boyfriend knows how much it affects me? What is a reasonable compromise for us both? Should I just leave this relationship and find someone that suits my ideas of sexuality better? Please help!
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First Helper Jodie11
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replied February 12th, 2010
Omg thats exactly like my relationship the dates and everything. I swallowed my pride and started watching it with him so it felt i was more involved rather than it being his own little thing and now i understand its not a attack on me just something boys use even tho they really love us Smilex
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replied January 5th, 2012
Omg cant believe how much this sounds like me, my man right from the start of our relationship was watching porn and i was against it it due to all the typical reasons eg; degrading to women, feels like cheating, he finds them more attracting than me etc. I have recently done the same thing... bitten the bullet and shared it with him i still do feel kind of insecure tho due to the fact that they all look better than me mind you i believe only by body not face, and he makes me feel that way too he always says im pretteier than them but never sexier than them, even tho i know i am pretteir face wise i wish he would say im sexier than them. I know that him wathing porn has nothing to do with his love for me but im sure it has something to do with the way i look, am i right or am i just being over insecure i would love to know please reply
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replied February 12th, 2010
A little porn I feel is ok... peoples sex lives vary. Some people want it alot, others just sometimes. I feel if he was ignoring you all together, it would be a bad thing.You seem to be having sex an average amount of times. I think you should definitely talk to him about it though...with an open mind....don't be too harsh. If your sex life diminishes or stops all together, then I think you may have a problem.
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replied February 14th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Porn never becomes a problem. Believing that porn has an animus that allows disrespect is giving an inanimate object far too much control over your life. Disrespect is the problem. It wouldn't matter if he was masturbating to porn, playing Xbox, or Watching Nascar. If you're being disrespected you're being disrespected and if you're not you're not. If you're not sure try this. Imagine that your boyfriend is not masturbating to porn but cooking delicious patries and that you're not finding lubricant and bookmarks but confectioner's sugar and leafed pages in the desert section of the cookbooks. Is his cookie obsession disrespectful? Then his porn habbit is disrespectful.

You said yourself that his use of pornography and frequency has been unchanged in all the time you've known him. It is an aspect of the man you fell in love with. I'm not sure why you would assume its a good idea to change someone that loves you without knowing how things will turn out, but the notion that you have an imperative or even a right to change another human being is not respectful.

You said yourself that you have a problem with pornography, not him. Address your problem before you tackle any concerns about wheather something you have a problem with is a source of disrespect or your views on the matter can never be objective. Talk to people in forums about their veiws of pornography and allow your opinions to be challenged, talk to an analyst about why your feelings about pornography need to be imposed on other people such as your boyfriend.

Really from what you've posted you don't have a problem with being respected. You have a problem with your sex life that you feel is caused by porn. There's not enough information here for any of us to know how accurate that assessment is but its obvious that you have a problem and you're attacking a different problem of yours wheather it is related or not. If you're not satisfied in bed, resolve that issue. Talk with your boyfriend, suggest possible solutions, make compormises, build a frame work to solve that problem. If he has to give up or cut down pornography to meet your needs then win-win for you. Just keep things simple and you'll find that problems are not as difficult to solve as they seem.
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replied February 15th, 2010
Community Volunteer
To me it would be "when it made me feel cheap"....Kind of like I was watching a R rated movie and hoping I didn't see anyone that I knew....I've watched Porn, but it isn't something that we need...If I was to pick out the one sentence that you wrote that said it all it would be:

Should I just leave this relationship and find someone that suits my ideas of sexuality better? Please help

My answer to this is: Yes.....What you see is what you will get....I send you my best wishes for a happy life... Take care...

Caroline
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replied February 15th, 2010
Supporter
If all your boyfriend is doing is watching porn and masterbating I don't think you have a problem. However if you are not having as much sex as you would like to be having then you need to speak to him. When I say speak to him I do not mean yelling or anything confetational. I mean an open dialogue of your feelings. He may want more sex to. But, you will never know what the other one want until you tell each other. Communication is a good thing to have in a relationship. So try to focus less on the porn and more on what the both of you want in a relationship.
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replied February 18th, 2010
Your BF has an active imagination and a healthy sexual apetite. Enjoy it. Talk with him about it, and COMMUNICATE! Ask him what turns him on. Watch it with him sometime.

If you are watching it with him and things get hot, it can become something you share together like a private fantasy.

but if he ignores you over the porn (which is highly unlikely) you have a valid problem.
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replied March 5th, 2010
Experienced User
Porn rather belongs with sex in my view, and if your ok with sex then you should be perhaps essentially ok with porn. Without sex, certainly without a desire for it, our sex hormones would decline, and we`d age more rapidly. Now that wouldn`t enhance any relationship(?) Genuine "making love" would tend in my opinion to concern itself far less with actual penetration/"full sex" and far more with a "pure giving"/stimulationless affection. I feel that your concern should be solely in this area of actual love making, and for the rest, consider it as his youth potion(?) He is in training, so it should only enhance his capacity with you!
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replied March 5th, 2010
Experienced User
Relationships - Is Porn Always Only Negative To It?
Porn is degradation to the extent that it is degradating of the men and the women involved in it, obviously, but this is subjective. Degrading of the women that are degraded - (Even love is too often degrading.) In the eyes of some men, possibly, but many of those same men might be a positive menace to women if they hadn`t this outlet for their frustrations - It may even save many relationships(?) How positively degrading of women is their general promiscuous activity - Less so, more so, and to whom, perhaps only those that will always exploit some angle? - It can be both very aggressive, and entirely absent of any affection, like porn, but porn may also be both gentle and affectionate. Everyone that engages in any sexual activity is doing so, or probably should be if it`s healthy sex, and them themselves are indeed healthy, as part consequence of lust, and the same lust which causes some men to view porn(?) If porn is entirely wrong, then how is sex entirely right? aggressive It may well be that the average mature mind can be corrupted no further(?) It may also serve for a source of satisfaction which would otherwise be sought less appropriately by many.Sex to can be just as degredating, or it can be to the majority as a part of the making love richel. Truth ca be one place where common perception is another. The human form is not degrading of itself, but rather it`s what minds bring to it. Kt`s boyfriend may be no less pure of mind than others of the general population which engage in sexual activities no different from those images which he views. It`s not something which I`d personally engage in, desire to be interested in, or even would wish into existence, but I`m so programmed here that I`m not certain where there`s most truth - ? There is very harmful porn, but no less, there is also very harmful sex, so are they both wrong? The fact that women can even have sex may be serving to degrade them just as much?? - I`d need researched information and quite a lot. Perhaps he both respects you and enjoys you physically, but is simply "over sexed" - Wouldn`t that position possibly be a little less, well, perhaps biased? - It may even just be that sex isn`t what it might be, and some marriage guidance is required!?
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replied March 5th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
littleonefb wrote:
Not including the fact that porn is degradation of women and many women end up in porn out of desperation or because they where forced into it, it's sleazy,


6 figures a year for less than part-time work and celebrity status. Sign me up to be degraded. It's possible that you can argue that men are degraded by an industry that exploits their needs and plays on their insecurity. However it's hard to weep for the degradation that anyone that lined up for it.

Quote:
When your husband, boyfriend, significant other continues to participate in something that you are totally against, bother's you, upsets you and that person knows how you feel, then that is total disrespect for you.
You can argue what I've said until you are blue in the face and the cows come home, but it is nothing more than total disrespect, plain and simple.


Absolutely correct, the only thing that could be worse in a relationship would be to become involved with someone who has an interest in something that you're totally against, then insist that they stop to please you. Thank God we all respect one another and this is never a problem for us.

[quite]There is something wrong with the woman if she can't deal with it. [/quote]

How could anything be right with someone that actively seeks out a relationship with someone that she has a fundamental inability to accept? Not joking! What could the possible justification be for someone that enters into a relationship and then all of a sudden cannot live with a behavior they has no problem with during the courtship?

Quote:
Porn has destroyed more relationships than, apparently, any of you seem to realize or care about.


Yes, surely it is the inanimate object that has ruined everything. Humans were incapable to be accountable for their behavior in every case. It has to be all those ones and zeros that are always conspiring to take you down. It couldn't be a result of a failure to trust or communicate between the couple. It's not possible it could be a problem with the shame around their sexual needs propagated by arrogant jackhats that are so terrified of sex that they have to criminalize everything to do with it. Surely this isn't a problem that can be solved by putting more work into the relationship, what you should do is take unreasonable stand and make unfair demands, that always works in a relationship. No sense in being accountable for your behavior and working to make things better. Wish you luck with that.

Quote:
Porn is a problem and by watching it you feed into the problem and to women that get trapped into it and can't get out.


Yeah I know how that is. I'm trapped in my legal career, long hours, poor pay for my education level, massively inappropriate management. Say I don't suppose you know how I could get trapped in some of that sweet sweet porn work would you?

Quote:
If so many of you believe that porn is normal and that men "need it" and that "most or all men watch porn", you are all mighty mistaken.
Most men are not involved in viewing porn, wanting to view porn and using it to masturbate while watching.


According to a 2005 survey about sex, pornography and masturbation, in the united states, more people have admitted to watching pornography than are registered to vote, licensed to drive or apparently able to spell anonymous" correctly. But I do agree with you. If you feel that pornography is enough of a problem that you cannot live with a man that isn't interested in giving it up for you, you can either badger or threaten him until he submits to you and hope your relationship survives or you can just go. Going is just a lot nicer for you and your partner if you feel you can't work together to solve things. However don't be unrealistic about what you're giving up. Pornography is part of the largest and oldest industry on the planet. To imagine that men that have aversion to the stuff will be in any way common isn't healthy.
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replied December 17th, 2014
actually most women in porn make a few hundred bucks for a movie ( thats if they are lucky and working for a big company, it is often even LESS ) with big hopes and promises and are 90% of the time tossed off after 1-2 films for the next girl. The industry takes advantage and girls flock to it because of our pornified society making people think its cool to be degrading and watch others do extreme sex acts while we touch ourselves to it completely neglecting the reality of live, life and sex...
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replied March 6th, 2010
What W0LF said.
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replied March 6th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
It is easy for you to say check my profile if you want information..wolf...But you know as well as me that you havent stated which gender you are, and as i have looked over all your posts you seem to talk about things from both sides..Although i dont see what harm it would do to tell us your sex as then we would have a clearer view on your opinions. But it is your prerogative..Jenny
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replied March 6th, 2010
Experienced User
To KtK
This has moved on a lot. Your actual concern was only to how viewing porn might affect your relationship, and no more than this, from what you wrote? I want to stress, I`ve made no references to within the industry, I`m not promoting it, and it`s been made plain now, that any viewing should be highly selective. I was simply trying to be of some benefit to your position - I do know of apparently healthy and loving relationships where porn is a part! As Wolf says, these are only pictures, so isn`t it just possible that you`re enabling them too much power?
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replied March 6th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
littleonefb
I'm not ridiculing you. I'm pointing out that the claims you're making about pornography and relationships are ridiculous. If you want to make personal attacks or sexist judgement that's your prerogative, they are however against the terms of service we all agreed to that you seem so endeared to and additionally I don't find them all that interesting.

When you make a statement that defies logic and is unsupported by facts such as, an inanimate object like pornography somehow has the power to damage relationships, the technical term for it is a lie. I've given you double-fistfuls of chances to verify your claims and you come up with nothing but snipes at me. So graciously. I accept your apology for intentionally deceiving the people reading this thread and we'll simply speak no more of it.

You seem to confused about my qualifications. I encourage you to once more read my profile and my posts to the forum if you feel I have misrepresented my current and previous certifications and degrees before making more allegations that I am somehow misleading people here. I encourage you to re-read as often as you need to and use a dictionary if there are words you don't understand. I take implications that I am somehow violating the terms of service rather seriously, especially when it is used as strawman argument to avoid having to support your outrageous hurtful claims about sexuality and I will continue to report your posts when you do so.
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replied March 6th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
littleonefb wrote:


A healthy relationship does not put porn above the relationship, nor does it continue when it creates a serious problem with the relationship as the OP is stating it is doing.


I'm sorry Fran, you're not permitted to have it both ways. If you're permitted to have your rampant hatred of pornography take precedence over fairness and respect for your partner then you can't turn around and say that your partner can't put their admiration for pornography before you. Its a two way street.

Quote:
You and Wolf may think that the porn "is only pictures" but that is in your view. The person that spends so much time watching porn sees those pictures in terms of reality and that is what sex should be. Then he attempts to recreate those images into reality and it isn't possible to do.
That destroys the relationship, and destroys himself because he can never achieve what he sees as reality in those "pictures" and videos.
The porn is reality to the porn viewer and porn addict, it is not just a video and not just a picture.
Fran


People who are not able to differentiate reality from fantasy have problems that far outstrip any measure of disrespect in the relationship. Loss of respect requires communication and dependability to restore. Loss of reality requires a padded room and powerful neurochems. They are not really applicable to this discussion. Persons who are disassociative should not be depended on for respect in the first place.
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replied March 7th, 2010
Experienced User
Relationships - Support Wolf!
To Littleon
No - There`s no need necessarily to convey gender, or even age, in order to speak on behalf of any social group well(?) and to relate adequately you need first to imagine that you are a member of that group, to become their age and their gender. It`s done from apathy. These things should be known for personal contacts, and might be revealed anyway at that time.
As for the porn issue, I`ve not read much of Wolf`s, but truth exists and it`s a constant, quite regardless of his gender... I totally agree with all of his opening (probably the rest) I believe it to be the nearest thing to absolute truth when applied to normal and balanced males - I agree with your psychological points of very extreme cases only - the ones that make the news (and you could write a book on that) Don`t worry them with the less than likely, for there`s no indication of that here. Wolf wrote exceedingly well - Without "the book" not every possibility is covered.
We have members that are great at passive counselling, so we leave that to them, while others adopt different approaches. It seems to work well(?) This is however a place of absolute truth rather than personal convictions, for it is too often "society"/collective personal convictions which brings them here. If you loose Wolf you also significantly reduce this place.
Unconditional love/the closest possible friendships actually have more to say for humility and understanding than total rejection every time that something hurts - Relationships as these can only last when two way.
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replied March 8th, 2010
I have been going threw the same thing. i feel like the porn is getting more attention then i. I also have tryed to just deal with it but it had broken me down to nothing until i lost it and started a fight about it. Im still haveing problems with it. I feel as though even when we do have sex he would rather just get it done himself. Iv tryed watch it with him and the whole time i just thought he was getting turned on by them and not me.(dont know if thats is in my head or not) but it dosnt matter if it affects how you feel. I dont know about you but it affects my whole day. i go to work and all i can think is that hes home doing that. why does he desire porn more then me.This wasnt the way we were always. Hes great to me in alot of other ways and i know he loves me very much but i dont know if this will change. i wish you luck. if you ever want to chat about it as weird as it is i would love to. i feel very alone and dont feel ok talking to anybody about this that isnt going threw it. I dont think anyone has a cluse until they are in this situation.
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replied March 7th, 2012
I hear where your coming from. Wondering if when I'm at work/school, if he is just watching porn at home. I think that you should suggest a lifestyle change. I find it very disrespectful for him to watch it while I'm at home. It happened once and I became angry and left. He didn't realize it was being disrespectful until I told him. Does your partner spend a lot of time on the computer, in front of the tv, or just sitting on his butt all together. Like I said suggest a lifestyle change. Get him outside more, do more activities. This worked for me. As my boyfriend was single for 6 years before we started dating and porn was his only outlet at the time. So we have been working on it and communication. If you think it's worth it, than try, if not then leave. Only you can tell.
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replied March 17th, 2010
Experienced User
For the OP
Whoa. You guys really hijacked this poor girls post to argue. It got pretty exhausting reading this I read page one but couldn't even read page 2.

To the OP. You said that he has always masterbated this much and looked at porn the whole time. So for you to now expect him to change is unfair. I can however see how you would be bothered considering you only have sex 1-3 times every 2 weeks. I think if you were having sex more often his masterbation wouldn't bother you as much and he also may decrease the frequency of masterbation.

How often do you initiate the sex? He might be masterbating more then having sex with you if he feels like he has to initiate all the time. When was the last time you did anything to spice up the sex life? Worn a sexy outfit lately? Plus if he knows you are resenting him and angry with him he is going to be less likely to initiate.

You also got to ask yourself how much does the porn really bother you and why. No one is perfect, I'm sure you do things that he doesn't like. If you really find it so morally offensive that you just can't deal with it and not be resentful and have your feelings hurt then you really do need to move on. It isn't fair or healthy to either of you to stay in that situation.

I wish you the best.
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replied March 19th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
littleonefb wrote:
Wolf,

You may think "I believe firmly that facts aren't more or less meaningful when presented by a woman or a man or a Jew or a Hispanic."

The real question is why you chose to use the words Jew or Hispanic in your statement.

One wonders if you have some kind of personal problem with those that are Jewish and Hispanic.

As well as the fact that it is offensive to have made the comparison and wreaks of bigotry against 2 groups of people.

Your choice of words, again, says volumes about you and your thought process, none of which is appropriate on this forum or thread, let alone this site.

Maybe you should take a time out before you click on "post a reply", reread what you have typed and think about it first.

You just might see that you are posting some very offensive words in your posts.

Fran

Fran



I'm sorry Fran
You are not longer presenting an argument. You are merely being incredibly rude. If you feel compelled to pass judgement on my input based on my gender then you forfeit your right to be indignant about people making implications about your religion affecting a bias. Especially since your religion would affect the morality you were raised with but your Gender would have zero impact on your beliefs.

There's only one person in this thread that is wondering why I told you that it's rude to make assumptions about people based on their gender, race or religion. I'm sorry if it didn't sink in, let me clarify. DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON YOUR SCREWED UP PREJUDICES. If your argument doesn't hold it's own weight stop attacking the people who disagree with you. This behavior is against the terms of service of this forum and it makes you look like a very bad person. Your posts are being reported.
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replied March 22nd, 2010
Dear OP

I think this is a very common problem in a relationship.
What I can tell you is that quite often when men look at porn it is a pure visual stimulation for arousal.A man when looking at porn is not normally imagining he is with that porn star.

You state that he is spending time watching porn that he should be using to make your sex lives better.It could be just as valid to say that you are spending time worrying about him watching porn that you could be using to make your sex life better.

Some men also may have high sex drives and just because they want to climax they may not want to be loving or caring and fear that having that kind of sex with their partner regularly may adversely effect your relationship or just be no fun for you.

Lastly I think it is important to understand the fact that masturbation for men is a stress relief and may be as more about getting releasing stress as it is about feeling sexually unfulfilled.

Essentially this really is as much of a problem as you make it. The vast majority of men masturbate would you rather he be thinking about the women he has met when he is masturbating because i can guarantee you that he will not be able to think of you 100% of the time.

Hope some of this helps.
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