Whats Wrong With Me?

Seriously, I don't know any more.

Now, I don't have the money or the insurance to see a therapist sadly, but I need some guidance.


I don't know where to start. Let's go with: I feel afraid of everything. I have 3 initial fears- loud noises, and ocean waves, and heights. Once I think of those, I start thinking of other things that aren't pleasant to me, and that i try to avoid throughout my day such as falling, getting hurt etc. Then they'll connect themselves. I'll say that I'm afraid of stairs because I'm afraid of falling, because I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of heights because I'm afraid of falling. I'm afraid of falling because I'm afraid of the feeling. And the thing is, I know I'm not actually afraid of them, I just start getting panicky...

And it goes on and on and on.

Next, I have some OCD tics, you can say. I count everything. It's exactly 100 Hannah steps from my front door to my mail box, making it an even 200 steps total. One stair case at school as 25 steps. Another has 20. Another has 21. My stair case to my room is 12. The one down stairs is 13. The one outside is 3. My boyfriends front stairs is only 2 steps. A bridge in my woods takes 30 Hannah steps to get across. When I serve in volleyball, I take 3 steps before I hit the ball. When I'm waiting for the next serve, I count how long the ball is in the air for, and it all depends on how fast I count, which, for this, is usually fast. If I cant hear ticking from a clock, I count that, and stop counting before i get to 30. I have to stop on a even number. It almost always has to be an even number. If it's an odd number, I usually start over. I get irritated if I don't count, or if I'm interrupted. You will always find me counting, especially when I'm trying to forget an embarrassing moment, or a bad memory, and then I count to not less than 10 and no more than 20.

You know how most people with OCD are complete neat freaks? Well, my 'neat' is messy. I like things slightly out of order. When things are in order, I can't think. Example: my room isn't a complete dump, or a total explosion, but its a tad messy. My bureau is more messy than my room, but still not too bad. One day my mom goes in and cleans it all for me, and I totally broke down. I couldn't sleep in my room until I put everything back the way it was. My boyfriend saw it clean, and the next day he goes "well, back to exactly the way it was, to Hannah's messy room". I could sleep in it then. I could think. When it's clean, I can't think, I just get frustrated and irritated, and panicky and I just completely freak. The same with my bed. If my mom makes my bed, I flip into next year. When she does it it makes me soooo angry. That all I'll think about for the next 3 days is how she messed everything up and how uncomfortable I will be for those days. She can't move anything and it just makes me sooo angry when she does. Just THINKING about it makes me wicked upset....*chills down spine*


Help please?
There's more things I have wrong that involve other people, but these are what I'm most concerned about at the moment...