I generally feel very pessimistic about "love" and relationships.
My parents split up when I was little and I remember a lot of yelling and arguments. The falling out of their marriage caused me to lose my relationship with my mother (by my choice). That is an incredibly long story, but to sum it up she was very emotionally abusive and I choose to not keep in contact with her (it's been about 5 years). I have tried having a relationship with her in the past but it causes me a great deal of stress and panic attacks, so I have accepted it won't happen in this lifetime.
When I was 14 years old I was attracted to an older guy (18 ). He went to my highschool and we became very close friends.It was childish, but I did want to get to know him inside and out and considered marrying him when I was older (stupid girl crush). Unfortunately he turned out to be a very dark character though. He turned out to be a legitimate pedophile and did some very illegal things I will not get into. Long story short he went to jail and that was pretty hard to rat him out considering I liked him a lot.
Fast forward a couple years and I was in my second long-term relationship. It was very rough because I was in an emotionally strange place and felt numb a lot of the time. This guy said "I love you" too fast, I could not believe him and pushed him away. We stayed together for a year and a half and then he dumped me right before prom. We got back together for the summer and he left me for one of my friends. I was stupid and took him back a third time, only for him to dump me on Christmas Eve for ANOTHER one of my friends. They have a child together now.
The last relationship I was in was not even really a relationship, and ended a year ago. We acted like it, but never called it anything. It was either a lot of delusional fantasies/ infatuation, but it was the closest thing to love I had ever felt. I'm still not 100% over him and it makes it harder that he is friends with my other friends. Although I was stubborn and wanting to hold onto those feelings for way too long, I have decided it is time to let them go.
And as for my current home situation.... Let's put this on the record right away: I love my dad very very much (I live with him and do not see my mother) but his dating life stresses me out. It seems every month he has someone new, and it never lasts long. I disagree how much they rush into things and I see a lot of heartbreak on a regular occasion.
And out of this, along comes a guy who pretty much has all of the things I have been looking for. But I'm at the point in life where I am happy to be single, and see relationships as things doomed to fail, imprisonment or pain. Don't get me wrong, I would love to find the right person but I think it takes time. This guy likes me a lot, I can tell. He does everything I could ever want, he takes the time out of his crazy schedule to see me. We click very well, spend time with each other a lot. I want to get to know him better but I dislike the lack of feelings I have been having. I really like his company and his personality and that he is around, but I don't know if I will be able to return those sort of feelings. I'd really really like to, but sometimes I just feel numb. It doesn't seem fair. I'm not sure if this is being caused from a lot of past pain or that I can't have those feelings for him. Or maybe it's too soon? What should I do?