Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - What should I do? No intimacy

We had been together for 4 yrs prior to our marriage and we broke up cos he went online and met another woman (which he denied of cheating at first) but they broke up due to the long distance i guess. Before i knew all these facts, he been trying to get back with me and was very apologetic and told me how much he loved and missed me. I was so touched and without thinking i married him. After i found out the reason of breaking uo with me i wasnt happy and it wasnt the first time but i forgave him anyway. Yea its easy to forgive than forget tho. A year ago i found out he was still emailing this woman who caused our break up, i went ballistic as he told me he blocked her and deleted her email and numbers. It was her who sent the first email and so the communication starts again... He knew i wont like it so he decided to hide it, but i found them anyway on his outlook...we had a huge fight and since we had all other problems and at the end he decided to move out. However, he comes home all the time and he is here 24/7, but he is also still chatting with her. He told her he's divorced and moved out and only come home to see our dog. She keeps sending her photos to him and says things about their past etc. I confronted him and he said i have no rights to go over his privacy and he doesnt love her cos she has a kid. I told him that i dont like their relationship even tho just online chatting, phone calls and text messages. He now has password for everything so i wont find out. The more he hides the more i get annoyed and suspicious, eventually i found out more and they are still contacting each other... What should i do? Am i being unreasonable? Ofcourse there are more to this, but I have tried everything to save our marriage, no point even to consider counselling, he wont go anyway.

We still have sex all the time we just dont kiss or hug anymore, he doesnt even like to hold my hands or hug me nor have a photo take of us together. i cried so many times cos he lies to me, but he thinks i am crazy and ignores me. Is their relationship healthy? Am i being unreasonable? Am I asking him to do too much?? Everytime he says anything i will think of her too and compare myself with her...am i a physco? A control freak? Am I asking for too much? I don't know what to do, should I get a divorce? He said he's not cheating...but i think he is...

Last night I asked him to hug me, he wouldn't and he only rested his head on my shoulder that was it, no hugging and no romance and certainly no kissing. I always asked him to hold me and kiss me but he always refused, he thinks these are all fariytale things and once married these things don't exist. I kept thinking we both deserve better life, and if he doesn't love me why doesn't he leave (actually he left and rent a place, but he stays with me everyday). I am so confused, not sure what to do with him. He's not working full time at the moment, only a part time in a restaurant. I am working full time and studying part time for a accountancy qualification; so sometimes i do worry what he will do if i left him. Somestimes I think i am still young and I can start over thank god that we don't have children which will definitely complicate things, but we do have a mortgage tho.But still, I am too afriad to leave him, i don't know why.

I don't think i can trust him anymore and he is not helping me either, all i need is some romance and comfort in our life, i love kissing and holding and hugging, i dont have any of these things....i think the only time there is any romance is when he wants sex, he will hold me and kisses me (not properly kissing tho - he sort of like sniffing me) I still love him, but i can't stand this, i can't stand him still chatting to this woman, it makes me feel sick, i want to feel being loved and appreciated. What should i do?

Sorry for the long message

Replies(10)

olivdjou11

replied on May 17th, 2009

New User

The situation is not simple at all. It seems to me he is using you. If you don't need him, and things don't get better I think you should make him leave. If you are worried about him you should still stay in contact, but try to break it off physically.
Your guy is probably telling the truth about not actually liking this other woman, just because she has a kid. He sounds shallow, and is probably just using her too.
You should also take into consideration that plenty of successful marriages have romance, especially casual hugs and kissing. Also, it sounds like he will never want kids. So if that was something you were hoping for, it might be a good idea to try to find someone else.
Good luck, i hope everything works out okay!

mauricemorg

replied on May 17th, 2009

New User

When a Man Truly Loves a Woman

If there's one thing I know about a man, because I'm a man, is that when he truly loves a woman she will have no doubts about his love for her. He will want to spend as much time with her as possible, and he will tell her (frequently) that he loves her and he will show her that he loves her (kisses, hugs, "passionate" love making, etc.), everything to express his love for her. She will inspire him to do good things, and he will inspire her. When a man truly loves a woman, he thinks about her all the time. He wouldn't want to cheat on her, because he couldn't bear the thought of her cheating on him, and he wouldn't want her infidelity to be justified by his own infidelity.

I think he is using you, for whatever reason, and more than likely it's for financial reasons.

Take my advise as a man! If he knows that you're aware of this other woman and he still isn't doing EVERYTHING he can to assure you that he has no more dealings with her, then he doesn't care about your feelings. And if he doesn't care about your feelings, then how can he truly love you?

Users who thank mauricemorg for this post: wendyrs

vivianchan

replied on May 17th, 2009

New User

It's just difficult..

Thanks guys, your comments and advices are very helpful. Sometimes I do think it's most probably my fault, if I was more open about this and accept it then maybe he won't be like this. If I can be happy and not holding grudges about it or getting jealous or suspicious, then we can probably be okay. I just can't help it, thats why i am always moody, he is not interested in why or give any compromises. I agreed that I had not been a good wife (i never cheat/ doing anything disrespectful), I just get very short tempered with him about everything, i was really spiteful...also there was about 5 months when i couldnt be bothered with him cos of these, i left him home alone and going out a lot and became a workaholic, i totally regretted that, i should've told him why i was upset first. Thats why things got worse.

It is interesting to hear what you said about financial reasons, some of my closest friends even his mother said the same thing. It's just difficult, and I am scared to tell him to leave. I did a few times, but he always came back. I am tired of arguments and the verbal abused. I am just not sure how to let him go, I tried email him so many times hoping one day he will realised and can works things out together, but he doesn't care (not sure if he even read them cos he never spoke about them). I had given up everything even my family to come to the UK and be with him, I just feel very stupid and ignorant. If I divorce him, I can't afford to get a solicitor, did think about the quick divorce route, but not sure if it works. Also, my mortgage, he said if we divorce, he will tell the bank that we can no longer afford the payments and he said he doesnt care if he goes bankrupt or that we have to sell our house straightaway. We put our property up for sell for a year but in current market, it is very difficult. Also, i have nothing besides this house, so i do want a profit, at least i can go home and start over...but he doesnt seem to care nor can i negotiate with him. Sad

Sigh...It's killing me even typing this up.

Do you think I should see a psychiatrist? Maybe it's me who is over reacting, insecure and paranoid? I told him about compare myself with her, he said it seems to him that she is more important to me more than him and that he can't help what I think and I should seek professional help cos I even attempted to kill myself before, ofcos it's stupid and i wont do it again.

Thanks for all your comments.

worrywart01

replied on May 17th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

you are NOT over reacting...first of all, you cant hold a grudge over what happened in the past..i've learned this as well and trust me..its HARD to just leave it alone but you need to if you want to move forward in the relationship..however, HE is in the wrong...out of respect to you and your relationship he should NOT be contacting or communicating with this woman at all...if I were in your shoes and I knew my boyfriend/husband were contacting a female that has caused problems w/the relationships in the past..it would be over...either he chooses me or her..period..bc the past is that...the PAST and SHE is supposed to be in the past! you have chosen to forgive him and trust him again and hoping to move past this issue w/the woman..and now you find out he's still talking to her? no way...you have every right to be upset about this...you dont need professional help i think any woman would be upset about this plus the fact that hes now hiding his convos with this girl...definitely shady...so he needs to end his relationship with her if he wants to be with you..thats what I'd say

vivianchan

replied on May 17th, 2009

New User

LOL

lol...thanks olvidjou11 but why?? lol...i will read the lyrics in a bit haha...thanks also to WORRYWART01...i guess deep down i know what i should do, just i don't have courage to do it, i feel sad not able to see him again, i wonder what our lifes would turn out to be...just sad not able to keep our relationship as before, and those memories years back...maybe after our birthdays this month then i will tell him it's over. just thinking how i am going to finance this is also a difficulty and the house, the dog...what is he going to do, will he miss me or will he be ok on his own...etc..too many thinking Sad

sometimes i think he knows i have this weakness too, i just cant resist him for some reason, i feel bad sometimes for getting angry with him...but it doesnt work the other way round, if i want to say sorry and give him a hug, he will push me away and say i am starting a phyiscal fight...omg...what am i doing? thanks guys, i don't want to be told if i am right or wrong, just someone actually cares enough to listen and advice me is actually enough. I just need a solution and want to shake myself to face reality and brave enough to do it...Thanks a lot

olivdjou11

replied on May 17th, 2009

New User

Well i hope everything works out ok. Relationships are complicated things, i doubt there is an actual right or wrong answer. Just don't stay with him because its 'easier' If you do make sure its because you wantt to.
Moving on and changing everything you're used to is difficult, but sometimes it is worth it.

Good Luck!

vivianchan

replied on May 18th, 2009

New User

I know what to do now... thanks everyone

Today I tried to be very good and nice to him at the same time thinking what to do with us. I was thinking to break this marriage up after my exams and bithdays so i can concentrate at the moment esp with my studies. However, it's not easy. I couldnt stop thinking and the more i think the more i can concentrate. I looked at his phone records which showed last night's logs and surprise surprise i found her numbers again 1 am this morning. just before we had sex as well. I was so pissed off so i sent him a message, even he was sitting right next to me. I told him i've decided for him since he couldnt make up his mind, and i won't be waiting for him to choose anymore. He got upset and said i was crazy, and i told him i've made up my mind and i will divorce him. He actually said whatever and said cool. He then left the room picked up his keys and i thought he's going back to his flat. But he didn't, he came back and sat on the sofa and now fell asleep!!! :@ it's not easy and i am not sure what to do next, but doesn't matter, i think it will all come to me eventually...i just want him out of my life and stop running around doing things for him or taking care of him. I do worry about him, but it's too late, i have to think for myself now. I'm going to be 27 this month, i dont want to wait until i am 30 and have a kid then he decides to leave me. I'm an asian, so being divorced and at 30 is not good esp with a kid...so i will do this and no matter what it takes. Thanks for your support and those people on the other forums. At least i know i am not insane as he said i am

sweethome220

replied on May 25th, 2009

New User

Have you spoke to the other woman? To find out from her what the nature of the relationship is? sometimes this may push people to make decisions. I am also in the same position as you, although my fiance has not talked to his for 2 mths now, we've been together for 6 years and she's been a constant problem for 3. I am also leaving him. I am not sure when but I am hoping to get the strength. I called her and she told me a completely different story than he did. That is the confirmation I needed to know the truth. Once a cheat...always a cheat is what I believe. Did his father cheat? thats typical. anyhow, keep your head up. I wish I was 27 and made this choice, i am not 31 and I started this rollercoaster at 25. you have to do it before you get pregnant or its too late. he is totally using you and you want to believe he is going to change, he is not

THX1138

replied on June 21st, 2009

New User

Hey Vivian, your husband is UK national right? Maybe his relationship with the woman is innocent, but your jealousy pushed him closer to her? What does she give him that you don't? Maybe a non-judgemental ear? Sometimes when you don't trust someone it makes them untustworthy. The good news is that if you think this may be the case, and you love him, then you have it in your power to make your relationship work for you.
But I would definately take the other posters advice and call this woman, and speak your mind to her.
It's kind of extreme that he's moved out. And when my wife asked me not to speak to ex girlfriends I thought that was fair enough. Does he actually meet up with this friend? If not you could accept her as a friend and get to know her. Don't compare things too much. And remember that you blanked him for 5 months; it'smy idea that he is seeking companionship with this woman but wants a successful marriage with you, that's my hunch. And forget the idea that you're mental, you sound quite typical to me, my wife is Chinese and it's hard sometimes. She has an explosive temper, but she's not mad. Whatever you do, I wish you luck, and that happiness will come...

rudderless

replied on July 2nd, 2009

New User

THX1138 - I disagree. You are blaming her for HIS transgressions. He wants sex but no intimacy, he is using her for sexual pleasure only. To speak to this other woman just before having sex with Vivian shows a huge amount of disrespect for her. Counseling for both of them would be a good idea, however if he refuses then again he is showing a lack of respect for the relationship. This doesn't sound like her issue to fix but rather his.

One thing I will point out though, Vivian your going through his email, phone records, and other things isn't helping. Certainly you are catching him at things but confronting him directly with it allows him to see that you are snooping. Perhaps tone it down and just do this to verify what you suspect. I have seen others in this situation, the man just learns from the discoveries and gets sneakier. you do not want to persecute him here and that is what you are doing - tread lightly.

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