Hi everyone. I'm Amber. I'm 18 almost 19. I'm married, for two years now. I'm really starting to be concerned about myself. I've had issued all my life, with anxiety and mood issues, but it's been taken to a whole new level. I'm starting to be afraid of myself. Is that bad? I've fallen into a depressed state, which I think was brought on by my uncle, who killed himself a few months ago... but may have been before that, ever since I got married, I had to move to a new city, and I have no family or friends. I'm in college,but it seems im having a hard time making friends, every one i do make, my husband hates, and pushes them away. I literally have no one. I often feel like just sitting home and crying all day and sometimes have mental breakdowns in class for no reason, and run to the bathroom and cry. I also am afraid that I'm a con-artist. And not for money. I'm not sure how to explain. I have always had this way of persuading people to fall in love with me, and everyone I have, still is in love with me. But i feel every relationship I've made was fake, because of me. I always say things that I know will make people like me, but always unique to each person i say it to. I somehow always know the right things to say. And I never take advantage of these people, but I think it's my subconscious way to have people around me all the time. I also often have anxiety attacks. I know it sounds dumb, but I hate going into a public place alone. I just freak out. I feel like everyone is watching me. I sometimes think my husband has cameras all around the house watching me. He's really good with electronics. So I wouldn't doubt it. I really just feel paranoid all the time. And it's only getting worse. I don't know what to do. I'm really afraid of myself. I'm not sure what I'm capable of. And is my marriage real? Or have I just conned another person into my life?
Do you have anyone that you can talk to or confide in? For one, it seems you have had a couple of stress factors in your life recently.
Sometimes, natural depression and problems with moods can be triggered by stress and even the events in someone else's life, especially the loss of a close relative, can make you question your own life and re-evaluate it.
Take a step back and take a deep breath. Sometimes when under stress, our thoughts isn't always totally rational. It's part of the flight or fight reaction and even though back in the day when we had to run from tigers this was a good thing, it's not always true in our current day and age.
I can relate to some of your feelings. You have to remember that you are in control of your own actions. If you still feel that you are afraid of your self, then perhaps just slow down your pace a little. Take one more second to think about decisions so you feel confident that what you are doing is not going to hurt you or others around you. Further more, it takes a great deal to push a person over the edge...much more than you might think.
I have been convinced, at one time, that my boss is against me and trying to sabotage what I am doing. In the end, it was me who was doing the sabotaging, by thinking these thoughts.
Is there really any reason why you should be concerned about your husband "keeping tabs" on you? If not, then put the fear out of your mind. Confrontation isn't always the best action when dealing with over-controlling people. Try talking to someone about your husband and that he seem to hate any of your friends. A outside point of view can usually help you differentiate between irrational fears and reality.
What makes you feel that you are conning people into your life? We all want people to like us and be surrounded by people and there is nothing wrong with that. I have been described as a very friendly and helpfull person and I kind of like to think of it as a compliment. Sure, I don't make friends very easily but I still like to make people happy and feel good about themselves. Unless you are trying to win them over for your own personal gain, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Be carefull not to try and define or anlayse abstract feelings such as love, commitment or friendship. These emotions can not be defined and doing so, just make you doubt them. Our feelings towards others, is not always the same. You don't break off a friendship just because today you are feeling unhappy with them. Tomorrow, all is forgotten again and you are best of friends again.
I am sure that after two years of marriage, there is nothing superficial about the relationship with your husband or we would not be having this conversation.
Over the years, I have had to train my self to ignore what is not there. Trying to think what others are thinking of you, is counter productive. If people are in fact watching you, who's to say they are not admiring you? Even if they are not, they are strangers to you and usually, you will more than likely never even meet them again.
I hope I have helped some what. If I have mis understood your situation, clarify it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Treasure what you have. When there is real reason for concern, tackle it head on and take it one step at a time. Untill then, there is no need to get your self worked up about it.
By constantly worrying about the one in a million chance that there might be a wolf hiding in the woods, we forget to enjoy and smell the roses on the side of the road.
Well, thank you so much for responding so quickly, I really appreciate it.
I've had multiple breakdowns this week, just out of the blue. Something will trigger it, and I'll just start crying. I have no idea why. Sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's seeing someone I use to be friends with, sometimes it's just me sitting here thinking that triggers it.
But I can be completely happy one second, then the trigger will happen, and it's like I just collapse, mentally.
& My husband is definitely keeping tabs on me, and he's made it very aware. He's had cheating girlfriends in the past, and he assumes I'm the same. He won't even let me on campus unless it's for class. He checks my cell phone constantly to see who I'm texting and has threatened to get the history of texts. He even put a filter on my internet to see everything I type. I stayed at a friends dorm one night and he sat outside until 3am to see if I left the dorm to go anywhere. It's ridiculous, and I never started hiding things from him until he started doing this, now I'm so paranoid someone is going to text me or message me and he'll get mad.
He's like the only person I can never make happy, and I don't know why. I try so hard.
And if this is any help, he's turning 27 in April. So there is an age difference.
But honestly I don't know what is going on with my head. Yes, everyone loves having people around them, but I do it in a way, I don't know how to explain. It's like I have an interest in them, want to get to know them, then say things that I know will spark their interest in me, but then after a while I get bored, make up an excuse to not talk to them, and then I don't, ever again. It's like a never ending cycle for me.
It's not your fault that other people has hurt your husband in the past and a marriage is based on trust as much as love. It might just be that he is feeling insecure but it can also become abusive.
I don't want to make any drastic suggestions but it does sound like you should concider talking to someone (on your own), such as a university councelor, minister or marriage councelor, about your husbands behaviour and take things from there. In extreme cases, controlling relationships can become very dangerous.
As for your concerns about your self,
What you describe, all sounds familiar, yet, it's not necissarily Bipolar. The best would be if you could have a chat with a dr (even your house doctor/GP) and just explain to him how you feel. He could make an assesment as to wether you need to see a specialist for further assesment or even just prescribe you a mild sedative to ease you through a stressfull period.
I was diagnosed as bi-polar when I was about 16... It would take WAY too much time & space to try and go through it all, but I can even relate to your issues with "the way" you get people to like you. I actually understand exactly what you mean. I have been there although not always just to get bored & ditch them... in my life it was more likely that something took me LITERALLY to a different place where those people weren't around & so we lost contact... Now that it is years later from many of them, we are getting back in contact through things like fb, and honestly, I have trouble even remembering many of them more than just by the face or name or a couple quick flashes of memory, but they still remember me just fine... in fact almost every one of them has expressed to me how much they missed me or how great of a friend I was & so on... I have just now (at 2 gotten to see that in some ways, I have actually been able to affect someone else's life for the better, so don't feel so bad about that...
As for the issues with the boyfriend, Seraph is right & you should definitely be careful about how you approach a solution, because these are the kinds of situations that truly lead to violence easily. I'm sure that it would not be typical for either of you, but you would be surprised. I would take the advice to find a chance to speak with a counselor of sorts first, and possibly find a way to convince him to join you in marriage counseling... Don't be afraid to admit your faults or to acknowledge that you know you are probably being more paranoid than necessary, but CALMLY explain your reasoning & ask for his understanding & sympathy because you want to make things work, (since it sounds like you obviously do)...