I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONTENT, I REALLY can't leave it out though cause it's all part of my problem, or, rather, it IS my problem....I ALSO WANT TO SAY THAT I'M NOT SUICIDAL AND I'M NOT A DANGER TO ANYONE (i edited a lot out of my post in hopes that it now fits the rules, i guess i can't mention a lot of my symptoms cause it goes against policy...)
i have NO IDEA what is wrong with me or what i have (i'm a 22 year old woman). I guess i want advice, and i'm sorry for the brutally graphic nature of this post, but it's what's in my head and i'm truly scared. I don't know how to tell my family that i've been struggling with this for a long time. Sorry this post is so scattered, i don't have much time to write at the moment.
Here's my symptoms:
+ HEARING VOICES: this is the worst and most terrifying. There is this guy in my head who truly wants to m*rder me, and has nearly possessed me to the point where i actually st*bbed myself in the stomach (the kn*fe stabbed through a layer of muscle and left a gaping hole) before i gained control. The voice turns evil, very dark.....telling me how much he (the voice) wants to watch me bl*ed to death, and how he loves my fear. These voices also tell me that i'm a burden to my mom and everything has become to much for me. I also do this staring thing, where i will just sit and stare unblinking at a fixed opject (normally the wall) until someone snaps me out of it or talks to me (though i don't always hear what people are saying to me because of the voices and static in my head). I really thought i was losing my mind....i still feel like i'm slowly losing my sanity
honestly, I'm shocked i'm still alive,
i made a pact with my cat (i was 8 yrs old and he was a kitten at the time) that we would live as long as eachother. As time went on and we both got older, a higher power told me it was going to take my life the day my cat was going to pass away and that this was my destiny. I believed it further when i realized my cat was aging BUT STILL LOOKED LIKE A KITTEN. He didn't grow any gray on him and he kept his youth. He lived until he was 14 with kitten features, i was so convinced that this reinforced we were meant to pass away on the same day. We had my cat put down and i waited the whole day for something to take my life.....and it never came.
I grew extremely panicked and frantic, wondering what happened. I can only say i guess this higher power changed His mind....
because i'm still living, i'm still confused as to why it didn't happen. I stopped everything cause i was so sure my life was going to end, i was prepared for it....
strange how life works
+ Delusions/Paranoia: I was convinced since i was 15 that there were hidden camera's in the house. I tore the bathroom apart thinking there were camera's and even started taking showers in the dark so no one could see me. Same goes with my webcam in my laptop. I even covered the camera with tape so no one could watch me. Another HUGE distressing fear is that everyone can read and hear my thoughts, and that they know what the k*ller (the guy inside of me) is saying and thinking. I constantly fear that i am saying my thoughts out loud, and often question whether i really am or not. My wall is covered in pictures of metal bands and they can hear everything i'm saying and they understand me. Their eyes even follow me when i walk around my room, it's piercing. This also started when i was between the ages of 15 and 16. I sometimes also have trouble telling what is real, and what's not at times and often lose my memory. For example, i'll turn the stove on and a second later, it will be wiped from my mind and i won't realize it's on until i feel the heat. I suffer from EXTREME headaches as well, often to the point of near sickness....
+ Hallucinations: My earliest hallucination was when i was 2 years old (my mom told me about this, i don't remember to much) but i'm blind in one eye but the doctors didn't realize i couldn't see. So they put a patch over my good eye to strengthen my bad one, and i wore it for a few months. In that time period, i started to hallucinate and began talking with this "invisible" friend. I would just carry on a conversation with him as if he were an actual person that everyone could see and we went everywhere together. He would talk back to me so we were having real conversations. I used to ask my mom all the time if my friend could go on family trips with us. He soon faded as did the voices. Then....the hallucinations started up again in my teens. It started as shadows, i would see shadows running by the windows during the day and moving along my bedroom walls/ceiling at night. I have heard people softly whispering my name outloud, but when i turn around, no one is there. Another time, i was driving home from work and this black shadow appeared wearing a dark hood. It slowly turned it's head to look at me and then vanished. I immediately had to pull over to catch my breath. Another incident, i was coming home from college and suddenly, the whole world changed. The tree's, cars, everything just faded and the road ended at a horizon line getting narrower. The entire world was a solid grey color (i've never done drugs in my life, i wasn't tired, or anything like that. i was perfectly alert and awake). I WAS IN A WHOLE OTHER WORLD i never knew existed. Everything was flat. Suddenly, reality came back and i had car headlights in front of me, i was able to swerve back into my lane in time to avoid a collision (this hallucination was by far the worst, and nothing like this has happened since, this was back in 2007).
Another constant hallucination i used to have is being attacked. These visual perceptions feel so real that each time it happens, i feel myself losing consciousness. I was coming home from work one night, and i started feeling funny and suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind as i was driving and put a bl*de to my throat. Suddenly, my vision began to fade and my car swerved off the road and hit a dirt patch and the hallucination stopped as fast as it had started (i never told family about a lot of these incidents except for the one in 2007).
+ my moods also switch. I have two sides to me: my extremely shy side and my very outgoing, confident side and they switch without warning. I'll be confident one moment and the next, i'll stop talking and become completely quiet. When i'm confident, i'm not myself and i'm a totally different person altogether.
+ i also, constantly have trouble talking, people find it hard to follow my train of thought and often times, i confuse people (my friends tell me all the time that i ramble on about random stuff or i'll be talking about a certain topic but make no sense to those around me). I ALSO HAVE TENDENCIES to drop in conversation. I'll start to ask someone a question or say what's on my mind, and suddenly my memory is wiped clean and i stop mid sentence and often walk away.
There is a lot more to this, and things are getting more intense.
WHAT DOES THIS SOUND LIKE? what disorder?
i was s*xually abused from the time i was a child and it finally ended 3 years ago (i was s*xually abused by my babysitter when i was 12, s*xually touched by a 15 yr old when i was 11, and my mom's now ex boyfriend abused me from when i was 14 up until 19 --he left my mom for a 16 year old child). My brother and i were also subjected to EXTREME emotionally abuse and neglect by my father (and his wife at the time) every weekend when we were little (parents are divorced). So the abuse and trauma could have caused this? Or could it be a disorder?.....
wooooow, i thought that it was bad that i imagined things were there but wow. see for a while i would see a figure dressed in a black by the road or bent down and one time it was a dog figure. it was weird. sometimes i will do this at night but i get over it i guess. i used to do this a lot when i was younger. i do believe it may have something to do with ur abuse. if u ever want to talk im here 4 u. i know these things can be scary.