well..first of all, trust is the foundation of a relationship, i dont see how you've managed to make it this far without trust...if he's given you no reason to not trust him dont you think he deserves it until he proves that he's untrustworthy? i mean you're married to him! give him alittle

a wife to me means being faithful to your husband and being his best friend, whenever he's down pick him up, just take care of him as he takes care of you, provide the love he needs and always be there for him, you're his partner in life..someone he's chosen to share the rest of his life with, a wife should be someone he can always depend on and someone who supports his decisions...if he wants to be closer to you thats great! many marriages fail due to lack of communication and eventually the two who were once madly in love drift apart and become so consumed in work that they forget whats important...have a date night that will take you back to when you two first met, dont be so afraid to get close to him..he proposed to you, he made a promise to you, and if he's a genuine good man(which it seems as if you have no reason to believe he isn't) then he will honor that promise...dont be afraid to have a heart to heart with him and open up..this is what sustains a marriage! as hard as it is, you need to learn to trust him

maybe you should talk to him about why you feel the way you do so that he can understand where you're coming from and understand why you are the way you are sometimes

thank you. we are actually at that turning point you are talking about. Where we can go either way. We are still sooo much in love but life has put a distance. There have been some times where he has lied to me...and thats why I dont trust him.

but even before he lied I still was well guarded. I know I need to do a lot of work. We actually are making a point to spend dates together and to be more intimate. The bible Im reading is one for marriage. so it has little exercises for us to do which have been helping and gives us an excuse to focus solely on our relationship.

Im not surprised we've made it this long cause love conquers all...im just sad that i havent provided him with everything he deserves.

again thank for your input....i will take it to heart

I would suggest you forget about your Mother and her life.....This is YOUR life and not her's....My Mother told me that the Male's penis was a dirty thing and not to touch it...She just about puked when she talked about some girl that had to put it in her mouth....She never talked to me about sex before I was married yet one night when we all stayed at a cottage with our baby and she was in the next room, I was fully aware that she opened her bedroom door to hear our moaning and groaning while we made love....Yep, we were too far gone to move so left it open but at least it was dark out...Besides that I didn't give a darn.....It was my life and not her's...

I jotted down a few things about life...Maybe not being a wife and maybe being one...I have not made up my mind on this....But..I can tell you this...We have been married for years and years and years and to tell you the truth....I like it...

My thoughts:

I guess to me a wife means "love me as I love you"...When we married I had only seen him in person for 47 days out of the two years we went together...He was in the Navy...I was just plain mad about him...After all these years I love him more than my own life yet as we grew there was always the feeling of not trusting...It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was that I didn't trust other women....Only last year when I, in a stupid moment, asked him if he had ever had an affair, did I find out about the other woman....Don't ask me why I asked this but I did....It must have been my supreme confidence in myself known only to God, that made me blurt this out over lunch....But I did...This happened about 20 years ago....He then told me about the woman two States over that had come to town and waited for him in a motel room....He did not know she was coming and what he thought as a friendship between two individuals turned out to be different with her...Of course when I asked him if this 20 years younger than we are woman was good looking, he informed me that "she was cute as a bug's ear"....When I asked him if he went or was tempted he acted insulted when he said no....My husband, like many men is very macho....A real stud with a personality that a woman would die for and very truthfully ever since that day I have changed. I think so many of us women forget about all the women in hot sexual need that are out there...They would, will and do when given the chance, bed a man down with the drop of a hat and then come after him for the kill...A wife or children mean nothing...Just the hot craving between their legs....

What this man that asked me to marry him means to me is my life...Two other men had asked me to marry them before him...Yet I was only 19 years old when I met him...One was a pre-med student and the other a Russian Interpreter....But I didn't love them...So instead I married the man who was to be the only man who ever stood me up in my life.....Saying this he and I are a good match....I love sports and as a wife I believe that you should share your love of something with your spouse...They say opposites attract but my question would be do they last? He was the poorest of the men that wanted me...I could have lived with riches yet I wanted love.....The riches came in time....Three children and collecting a pocketful of wonderful memories for the rest of our life were to follow....

To this day that man and I are lust....It is how we started and how we will end....Yet saying this he married a virgin...How we ever made it this far I don't know...He had me naked in the car many times yet I kept him off.....It was only two weeks ago that I found out that he always had a condom in his wallet....Sure has made me think about it now......

Sometimes I think it is so wonderful when your man is asleep and you can look over at him and your heart skips a beat....Oh, along the line Jack may fall off of the wall and has to be put back together again but you always remember that it was this Jack that you wanted to make Jill complete...Jill just may be able to walk without him but if she stumbles and falls who will be there to help her back up again......

When I married my husband I made one vow to myself....I adored him and still do...Yet both of us came from a terrible home situation filled with nothing but turmoil.....I didn't want this to happen with us...I promised myself one thing....I have always held true to it.....I wanted him to think that even after we had children that he was the most precious thing to me in my life.....I have always done this.....Told him this and always will.....Not that I felt this all my life but that he believed it.....

Who knows!!!!! Maybe I did.....

Much luck,
Caroline

PERFECT words of wisdom. rosie, forget about your mother. her life is her problem and your life is yours. love your husband, love your child, love yourself. you need to eally focus on loving yourself and considering yourself worthy of the love of another human being (ie, your husband and your child). you ARE worthy.

reading the bible is awesome for you. trust God to guide you...just talk to Him and tell Him your concerns and ask Him to help soften your heart. He can do anything if you trust Him.

i think the biggest thing you have going for you is that you recognize the need for change. you seem to understand that you need to work through these issues, even though you recognize that it's a difficult thing to do. if you can't trust anyone else, please just trust your gut instinct in this situation because you are right as far as knowing that you need to try to move beyond the distrust and hatred of men. that's not going to get you anywhere.

good luck sweetie, i'll pray for you!
jasmine

yeah my mother and her ways have haunted me my entire life. Just recently Daniel and I have started to weed through all of the warped values that i have.

i guess i do feel unworthy and tainted...like i dont deserve such a loving partner...but i do. Our son deserves a healthy mom and a healthy idea on what a real relationship is. That fact alone is so much motivation to get to the bottom of my issues with commitment and trust.

Caroline EF---my mom raised me the same way when it came to sex. I never even touched a man until I met my husband. I was so afraid and shameful. I know how haunting that can be.

thank you for all of the insight..like i said i have no other relationships in my life to base my own on. no one in my life has remained married or together through thick and thin. This is my 1st time seeing this...lol. im getting there through,,,i can see the need more than ever. Especially with the birth of my son

Honey: I went through hell getting here...Like you I have a wonderful man...He has helped me grow up and be the woman that I am today...He taught me how to love and truly how to make love....It is with his guidance and love that I write of our love as I do...He knows of everything that I write...I do this to help other women in life as there are many around who are as confused as I was....I hate to see other women have to learn of life like I did...With God as my witness, before I married I never knew that you gave a man oral sex...Never saw my husband's penis until our wedding night...Wanted it but didn't know what it looked like.....Talk about taking a dumb pill...I took one the size of a basketball....Yet, when I let loose, it was katy bar the door.....But then came the shame....How do you get past the shame in the morning for sucking on him the night before...I went in circles...Now I know that sex is the most wonderful gift in the world....I know not shame nor age....I am just plain lost in love as you should be with your man.....and that precious little son......Being and staying in love is the answer to a wonderful marriage...

We had some rough times because I had to grow up....Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't gotten pregnent in the first two weeks if we would have made it....But thank God we did.....Without any doubt, I am the happiest and luckiest woman in the world....

Honey if I can ever be of any help just write me....Anytime.....

Much love,
Caroline

what is it - with our mothers?!?!?! my mom died when i was 13 and at that age, she had taught me a very healthy attitude about my body and sexuality (but not much about actual "sex"), but after my mom died, i had a "mother-figure" who told me stuff about sex like...how awful sex is, and how it's just part of a wife's duty to do it...how nasty oral sex (on either person) was, how you shouldn't ever let a man kiss your breasts, etc. because it's not good for you. ALL KINDS OF GARBAGE LIKE THAT!

the funny part is that frankly, i made it a point to do everything she (the "mother-figure") told me not to! i guess i'm kinda obstinate like that! ha!

unlike y'all, i did not wait to have sex until i was married (i'm still not married, just this week broke up with my b/f...but that's another story) and at 26, i'm glad i made that choice...heck, i might never get married at this rate! i enjoyed my own sexuality from a young age and as i grew up, pretty much anything that i felt like doing (or someone else told me about) i did. i didn't like everything i tried, but i do have a "try anything" attitude.

pardon the rambling...
jasmine

caroline, I want to thank you for your word's of wisdom. I'm actually sitting here crying. Like most of you I have had a rough life, but it was due to my first husband. I have met and am getting married to a wonderful man.We are getting married in less than a month. I have been dealing with alot of emotional scares within myself.I thought I knew what being a wife was til I read your post and then I realized I was so wrong.I trust this man, but I have been holding my inner self from him,cause I don't want to be hurt. I realize now that he's marrying me for who I am and what I am. There are plenty of women out there but he chose me.This may not make any sence to any of you, but I feel like I have just woke up and can let thing's from my past finally go. Thank you so much for helping me.

I feel the same way. I too have answers that I didnt have before. I thought a wife was a women who gave sex, made meals, and took care of children. Since day one Daniel has never made me feel this is true or even wanted a women like this. He says he wants a partner, someone equal. Someone that wants and needs him the same. I always assumed once your married you become lesser..hes the master.

I know crazy huh??? But thats how messed up my views were.

kymm...im glad you were able to find some guidance...and congratulations on your marriage. And yes they done pick us just because. they pick us...the good and the bad

I guess for to long women were taught to be lesser than the man. Sex was a duty and nothing more. Now I have someone that want's my input, he makes me feel like an equal. I wish you well and hope you get the amswers you are seeking. Your friend, kymm

Kymm and Rosie: Thank you for your kind words...I believe that as each woman speaks of life that another one will learn....Saying this, you both show the wisdom that we all need as we learn from each other....I feel that we are all leaving a small part of ourselves here for others in cyberspace to see and hopefully find themselves...This is who we all are and must lean on each other whether we are old or young....These are just my thoughts...

The question was asked on this topic of how to be a wife.....When you think about it, this is a wonderful inquiry....BUT, first you must find out how to be a woman....That is the stumper....IMO, until you discover this wonderful place within yourself and are able to turn off the doubts in your mind, you kind of live in never, neverland...I believe that you have to be reassured that all you are doing is right....Only then can you open this door to your mind and let this "hot cat" inside you come out and play with life....She must know that she truly has discovered all in life that she was created to be...She MUST believe that she is a 10 to be a 10...She must shed the apple image from Eve and stop covering herself when she leaves the Garden of Eden...She is woman and a treasure to be dealt with...

At this age in life I look at myself as the best there is...I can only say this because I have let myself free....I could only do this because I have found all the good inside me and done and been all that I can be....In doing this the woman has let loose.....I feel that I am any and every woman...I speak to them.....If you looked inside my mind you would see a woman who believes in herself....A hot babe who does not look her age and knows it...A woman who lives in hog heaven in the bedroom......A woman who nearly five years ago found herself on the 12th floor of the Contemporary Hotel in Orlando....Who said to the world, this is who I am....I am gonna break free and I did.....There I did an erotic sexual act of love with my husband that opened a door to my mind and let myself free...And may I add that since that day that the door has never been closed....I am free.....I found the key....I unlocked the door to my mind.... I became his Porn Queen and lover.....This woman that I have always been, but couldn't find, appeared.....And I have never looked back.....In time I may speak of this....It is a happening that sent me to doctors and their discovery of how sexual a woman can truly be when she opens her mind and finds her soul......I found mine in that place and the woman appeared with the confidence and presence of life to speak to all women.....There the fulfilled woman was born......Before that time I was a good wife but not the free woman that I am today...

Thanks honey for sending me this note....It refreshed another part of me that was asleep....Thanks for the wake up call....

Jasmine: Good for you....Don't settle down until you find the right man...It may happen and it may not...You will know when it does....In time I will be doing a Topic on "A Woman's Sexual Peaking"......I disagree with everything written....They say you peak around 29 or so..... ...

Kindest wishes to all,
Caroline

really all you can do is just be there for him when he needs you
just cause things didnt work out for your mom doesnt mean the
same will happen to you...not every guy is the same..yea i have
been screwed over plenty of times..but there are still some who
actually had a mama to teach them right about respecting and
loving a woman

Hello Rosie H!
I don't blame you at all for haveing that distance with him. Some people have that natural sheild to protect themselves. Especailly if they have been hurt before. Congratulations on you alls baby! Is it his first child? If so, its usually normal for men to get more emotional when they have there first child. I have three older brother and that was the case with all three of them! i don't know about anyone else, but to me being a wife is all about loveing and takeing care of your husband and family, but at the sametime he has to put in the same amount of effort. It has to be a fifty, fifty thing. Men are sometimes difficult to "agree with" or what ever you wan to call it. As long as you truely love him, you know you want to be with him, and you guys have good communication; you should be just fine. You do need to have faith in each other and you need to be able to trust each other. If not you will spend your whole relationship worrying instead of actually haveing a relationship. I have learnt you really have to set your priorities straight. Like you said, you really have to figure it out yourself. Different people have different opions on everything!
Well I hope I was some help! Good luck with everything! I wish you the best!

Being a wife means one thing and one thing only, that you stay true to yourself and that you work at your relationship.

If you do not want another child, don't have one but do not have because he wants one, you will regret it later and may possibly blame it on him. It takes two people to produce a child, there make sure it is a consented idea..

Being a wife can also stand for reciprocity, compromising, trust, sex, communication etc or vice-versa!