Hi beccy31195,
Now that you have admitted what you can't do, let's focus on what you "Can" do. You can look in the mirror and tell the person you see looking back, "I am not a failure, my life has purpose and I am not going to allow you to take anymore from me than you already have." Today is the beginning of the rest of my life and I'm going to live it." Then I want you to have a good cry, wash your face. Go talk to your mother and tell her you are there for her just as she has been there for you. Just because your mother doesn't speak to you doesn't mean she does't hear you speak to her. ENOUGH with the can't, toss it out,(notice I don't use it) you don't need it as a crutch anymore. Unfortunately, you lost a very dear friend, however, if you should live to be 80, there is more loss to come. Cherish the memories and be grateful your life was touched with such a wonderful friend. She would want you to get past the depressed stage and move on with your life.
The only person who can get a grip on your life is you. Say from now on I CAN stop inflicting pain upon myself and take it one day at a time. Today I will make better choices than I did yesterday. Get you one of those 5 subject notebooks and start a journal, on the first page write, "This is the First Day of My New Life." Write every day in your journal, the good the bad, the ugly. Write as often as you like and as long as you like, when that book filled, get another one. Now start working on your bad eating habits, cut out All processed and sugary foods, such as ham, hot dogs, pork, sodas, cookies, cakes, pies, donuts, etc. Get some recipes offline and make everything Homemade, yesssssssss HOMEMADE, it is cheaper and much healther! Only use real butter, no more margine. Drink only 100% juices, Eat, baked or broil fish, chicken, turkey and lamb. Eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. If you eat the can ones, be sure you pour off the sryup and rinse them free of the extra sugar. Only use course salt,(or sea salt if you not allergic to fish) it has no oxidine, which causes your blood vessels to constrict therefore causing high blood pressure, which can lead to diabetics and heart disease. Do 1 hour of exercise 6 days a week, if you are limited to 3...that is better than nothing. Read books that motivate and encourage you. Buy a joke book and have a good laugh. Make your mother a nice lap throw, they are very easy to make, just go to any fabric store and ask the ladies who work there to help you get started. Doing something positive for others will help you become a more positive person and that will lift your spirit.
Your friends left because if they stay they will become depressed, if you want them back or to make new ones, just remember, they have problems of their own, they aren't looking for anyone to remind them of that, they want to get away from their problems. Your life have purpose. When you get You better, your mother will notice the change in you and she will get better, at least in spirit. Wish you all the best.
God Bless,
Faded Rose