I don't know why?? I just had a hour conversation with a 24 hour helpline. The lady I spoke with was very nice and helped me calm down at that time. But this evening I had a relapse. I have been a self-mutilator now for 3 years it all happened after my father past away on November 13th, 2005. He was my rock, he was my best friend, and family he was my dad. My mother and i only fight and still do to this day. I cut her out of my life for a year and was doing fine. But i missed having someone in my family to talk to. She is now back in my life and it seems she has already opened the locked doors deep down inside me that have horrible thoughts and feelings that I don't want to feel anymore. They are back now she knows how to open them very well and just this evening i cut up my stomach real good not deep just scrapes. I feel like such a porker all the time. Its my own fault I complain of my weight and my looks all the time but still do nothing about it. Its like I want to get fatter to hate myself even more. So I took a razor and made about 20 cuts all over my stomach then on top of that i covered all in cigarette ashes and taped it up. Hoping that i will get some nasty infection and than maybe if I am lucky a doc will have to cut of part of my stomach off and I will be sort of thin and I will be even more deformed than I am now. Last May of 08 I was playing with needles a lot. Don't know why but I was and I was miserable at my job and wanted days off without getting in trouble so I started injecting a whole bunch of stuff in my hand and arm from crushed pills mixed with contact solution to oil remedies for scar treatments and other stuff. So then my arm would always be puffy and red and I would tell them I broke something or had a infection and had to leave and call them when I was better, that kind of thing, I eventually injected my last needle on May 10th I remember the stinging in my wrist it hurt more then the others so I put the needle down took some sleeping pills and tried to go to bed. I could not even sleep the pain was so bad so I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and than rushed to emergency surgery at 2 in the morning by a plastic surgeon. When I woke up the next day I was told I had NF (Flesh eating infection). I actually gave myself a life threating illness and almost lost my arm. Not just my arm but my life. I was told if I did not call 911 when I did and waited one more hour the infection would of traveled more up my arm and since it was my left arm it could of made its way to my heart and that would of been it!!

What is wrong with me why cant I be normal?? I promised after all of that trauma and that crap I put myself, my friends and family threw I was done doing that. It was a miracle that I got to keep my arm and that I have function in it still some nerve damage but can still type and pick things up and have a normal life still. I have sever nerve pain 24/7 but just deal as I deserve it. What I did to myself was disgusting and sick and so so wrong. Life is a gift and I am just throwing it away. My father would be so disappointed in me. How do I get help? If anyone has any kind of answers for me I would love to hear them. I just want to be happy again. I used to be such a happy, bubbly, go lucky girl that everyone wanted to be around and I was so positive and loved life and lived it to the fullest. What happened why cant I get that girl come back? Where did she go? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I still hurt myself physically and mentally all the time. I just want to be even semi normal again. If I keep this up instead of hurting myself over and over again one day I will go to far and I will die. I dont want to die, I want to live but I want to be happy and live you know?