i'm sure this isn't the right place to write this. but i just need to tell someone ANYONE. i've a grand total of ONE friend who i talk to at all anymore.
i know why that is. it's because the events in my life have left me so cold and careless to the world that i stopped caring about how anyone else feels. i've NEVER met anyone who's gone through as much caca as me. the only thing that's beaten it was a book call "a child named 'it'".
both brothers murdered, father committed suicide (i think my mother killed him actually. the bullet wound was in the back of the head, that's a hard shot to make on yourself. i know, i saw.)
my mother tries to get me thrown in jail on false accusations, she even has a restraining order on me. my family thinks i'm useless because i can't get a job. and i try SO HARD to get a job. the other side of my family hates me because i refuse to get into the drug, gang crime act.
i've had to move 13 times in 3 years. the only things i have anymore are my clothes, motorbike for cheep transport, and a computer. i don't even know how i've managed to keep it.
i'm only 18 years old! i shouldn't be this way! the only thing i find my self thinking about anymore is;
1. if they're is no god then i have nothing to fear if i kill myself.
2. if they're is, then maybe he will understand that i don't want this, i just can't take the pain anymore.
i haven't felt happy in almost seven years!
yeah, i've laughed here and there. yeah, i've had sex, been with friend, gone to movies and such. i've tried to live a normal teenage life. i try to be normal. but damn... i don't have any of that anymore, for starters. i've just been turned too damn COLD!
i just got done looking up the nearest police department so i could go there and tell them i'm not safe. but i don't even have the gas or the money to get there if i WANTED to. my aunt is so damn ignorant that she's taken all the phones from the house so i can't call the only person i can talk to.
i've been trying for months to get a job. applied at HUNDREDS of places, and i still can't get anything.
i used to have a 3.2 GPA in high school. i've had college classes on being a psychologist or therapist. all of the people who used to be my friends will tell you i could have been either one of those, either that or a stand up comedian. and look at me! this isn't what i wanted! it's not what i WANT STILL!
i don't have the courage to call one of those suicide hotlines because i know they do it for everyone. and to them i'm not another person who can't handle the grip on the world i've been given just like all the other callers they get.
i've talked to my friend about it, and they say what you would expect. "don't do it. it won't help. if god does exist, he won't like it. think about your future. what about me?" and that doesn't make me fell any better as much as it does guilty for thinking of committing suicide, and then i get even more depressed.
i've lived in washington, georgie, and now california. and i still haven't found happiness.
i want to end this pain so BAD. i would give everything i might even own at some point in my life is it meant i could be happy. i don't want to die.
i just want to feel like a normal person should.
like my would-be friends do.
life my only friend does.
like my family.
i want to be happy.