Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Waiting for rejection while they heal?

In brief the story is that I got in touch with someone I knew when I was growing up recently. We had randomly emailed through the years but this time it was different - we emailed and talked daily - he became my go to person and eventually we developed feelings and I became open to him more than anyone else in my life ever - I fell completely for him. We decided to meet for a vacation as live not only in different cities but in different countries which only complicates things further. The first night was amazing - I knew at that time that he was the one - why? Because all of these years I have known what a good person he was and that even if he never loved me - I would do anything for him - I would always want the best for him - I love him unconditionally - I just know it with every ounce of me. So the second day - the whole day he was withdrawn and finally he sat me down and told me the connection we had was gone - so did I want to cut the trip short? With no explanation - he went from so warm towards me to hating me. We eventually spent the evening apart and briefly saw each other the next day where it was obvious we were both just suffering and then we went our separate ways - but decided we would try to stay in contact. Since being home I have tried to reach out to him and he shuts down. He eventually sent me an email saying that he will contact me at some point in the new year when he has healed - contact with me is a constant reminder of what happened and I know that it might not be me personally - but it is hard to separate it from the situation. He told me way before the trip he thinks he is bipolar - but won't flat out say he is - but I believe he is - but it does not change anything for me - if you love someone - you love them. It is more challenging? Sure, but so it that I live in another country...Bipolar does not define him. So what do I do? I am giving him space, but am I just waiting for rejection - he refuses to have contact with me, refuses to tell me what he is thinking - if he cares etc..I don't know if I am just holding on only to be rejected or if there is a chance. Maybe I should let it go, but I am not ready to - is that awful - am I just holding onto something that will never be - I know he has to to heal, but is his healing just so he can reject me? Suggestions?
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First Helper AgainSeriously
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replied December 1st, 2011
Experienced User
I'm in the same place, but further into the relationship. It is agonizing, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you need to let go and move on with your life. Read the posts from spouses. These people are miserable. Go find a healthy relationship. You deserve love and respect, most bipolar relationships don't offer that.
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replied December 1st, 2011
Yes I keep hearing that, but I have known him for 24 years - romantically obvious for that long, but I met him when he was 13 and he still continues to impress me by the person that he is . I know that he is good so how do I just give up quickly. Right now I feel I have to give him space - maybe by the time he contacts me I will feel different, but I am not ready to give him - I just feel he has. Is it always easier to withdraw for someone bipolar? Or is it me? I know that reaching out makes it worse for him and I need to focus on myself and if he comes back I can decide then if I am willing, but how to you know the difference of whether they are running or they truly just dislike you - withdrawing gives no closure - it leaves a door open.
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replied December 1st, 2011
Experienced User
all too familiar...
Hi again. His withdrawal from you has nothing to do with you even though to a healthy person it feels that way. He is mentally ill. He is retreating because of his disorder. This is a part of the disorder that is so painful to the other person. My guy has done this now for a year and a half. I'm partly to blame because I kept taking him back. He has decided now to end our relationship for good. We were together in October and every thing was fine. Not perfect, but loving. The last week in October he got strange and told me that he doesn't feel the same about me and does not want to see me, is trying to get over me, and on with his life. He tried to make me jealous by saying other woman are in to him. He's gone on wild spending sprees and is drinking heavily. He's never done any of this before. It hurts like the dickens, but I have to realize I don't want to spend my life like this. I have befriended another woman on this site and she props me up emotionally and has been a great help. Don't sell yourself short. Bipolar men can be very hurtful. Their massive egos get in the way of their problem and they don't take care of themselves. It is everyone elses fault. My guy was a gem of a man for almost 2 years before he revealed himself. I understand what you mean about no closure, as I too got nothing. But please understand, you will never get closure from something or someone so irrational.

I hope this helps a little. I'm sorry to be so direct, but maybe it will give you the nudge you need to make a good choice for yourself. Always pick you first. Take care. Good luck.
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replied December 10th, 2011
Experienced User
great advice-glad you posted this
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replied December 27th, 2011
Your advice is spot on and I pray every day that I will get the strength to actually take that advice with my own relationship. Every time I get the strength to end the relationship, something happens and I stay. Things are good for a week or two and then he withdraws again. I just can't bring myself to think about dating anybody else until we are broken up, but I am looking for closure, which I will probably never get.
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replied December 28th, 2011
Experienced User
i'm so glad "Again Seriously"wrote her post. And I'm really happy that her advice has helped . You will get the strength to end the relationship >>.I'm sure of that.As soon as you know inside it's the only way for you to have a decent life. My husband's life is slowly falling apart cause something else as well as bi-polar is really affecting him. he's had a lot of tests. At the same his shrink told my husband he had better man up and do some stuff around here. I have two torn rotator cuff so I need more help than usual. I'm so wanting to get out of this mess at least 5 days out of 7.\i hate feeling this way but if doens't get better and stay better more than 2 weeks out 4.5 I'll have to leave. It feels like we live in a pig pen now-he refused to clean of any kind. Panics when he has no clean underwear but forgets to do a load.he will not set his alarm for work so is late which is aa firing offense so he worries about that. My guy is still acting like a child which he thinks is cute. We know it's not.I am sick of it and want to be living with a man who is at least trying to take care of his repsonsibilities instead of avoiding them hoping they will go away. it is seriously like talking with a 4 year old.he doens't do a lot of stuff becasue he just doesn't want to so when constnatly reminded (by me) he sometimes does some things but only he thinks it's totally necessary which isn't too often. I still love the guy but am not in love with him. Hard to feel a lot of respect anymore wehn he looks at me exepcting me to fall for his childsih whining. he did that last night-that's when the realization hit me. I so want to be out of this marriage.I want his life to be a good one but not at my expense(not anymore)I am tired of realationships period. so done with the whining and cajoling and all of the stuff that seems to go with a male/femalerelationship. I just want to be responsible for myself. We have been together for 43 years.It must be time for me to have my own happy life.he may not think he needs t do anymore than he does but strangely he got busy right away after we spoke with his shrink. that lasted about two weeks. Another cycle perhaps????I don't know but am so tired. Sorry this is so long.
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replied December 28th, 2011
Experienced User
Hi Joyce. My sincere heartfelt sympathy for your situation. When my father died, my mother had no clue what to do as he was everything to/for her. Well, it's been a few years now and she has reinvented herself. She is totally happy, goes to the Y and swims 3 or 4 times a week, has made friends with woman her own age. She attends the symphony, movies, eating out... Don't give up on happiness. Get out of the house when you can. Maybe swimming would be an option for you and help with your shoulders too. My mom is 74 and she attends water aerobics. Just a thought. Take care of yourself Joyce. Smile
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replied December 29th, 2011
Experienced User
thanks again seriously. i so appreciate your thoughts. I neglected to say that I am awaiting a surgery date for my right shoulder. the left will be repaired a year after that.I've been sick with a nasty sinus infection for about 2 weeks right through Christmas. no help through any of that.so we had a talk last night. he needs to SHOW that he wants to be in this relationship cause honestly as I told him I Need some joy. NOt getting it here. Can't do much til I have the surgery. it is a long recuperation. He loves the fun times we have together as do I. But there aresafety hazzards here that he won't take care of. He never gets around to them. He fully admitted that he doesn't want to do the stuff so he puts it off by getting deeply immersed in a book and telling me the safely concerns are not a problem. Family and friends have helped wile he watches at times.he is so not comfortable in his own skin so is awkward around me constantly. his psychiatirst is helping me figure out how much my husband can change and how much is due to bi-polar. Before my getting sick and arm problems i took care of everything or it wouldn't get done.Now I just can't do it. he is sitll acting like it will go away if he ignores it. That's how he has lived his life.
I'm very happy for your MOm.I wish my husband well-but now am very firm about what I need. I'm trying to be patient til I see the surgeon on Jan11 and get a surgery date. starting to feel better with the sinus problem. It's been a long time .So nice of you to write back to me.It's a comfort to know someone gets it.
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replied December 29th, 2011
Experienced User
Hi Joyce. Being around a negative person all the time is draining. It is an unhealthy environment. The stress of it all can cause you to become depressed. I've been there myself. I gave every excuse under the sun for his behavior. I didn't understand mental illnes and how someone can act so normal to other people and yet so hateful to their family/loved ones. I watched in horror this man change right in front of me. I spoke with a therapist and she said even under the best conditions, bipolar gets worse with age. Knowing that made me realize his leaving me (for the upteenth time) was a Godsend. I am just numb from it all.

It sounds like you are on no position to be on your own for now. Do you not have family or a dear friend to talk to and just get away from the house? I don't know if you attend a church of not, but it has great resources and they are free.

All the best to you Joyce. Stay strong. Stay positive. And by all means, keep boundaries. Take care of you! Smile
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replied December 29th, 2011
Experienced User
thanks so much:-)

I can get away -out for the day and so on or more but it hurts physically so don't out for long. I do see my son and grandson and daughter-in-law regularly gives me great joy)My daughter is great for talks-she gets it-but not good at getting together. Husband and I had a long talk last night when he became angry cause I was angry (so he said). he now knows I will walk when I can if necessary. I had planned to wait til his shrink appt Jan 24. It was a good honest talk so cleared the air a bit. We'll talk more then with a great doc I admire.thanks so much for your reply.
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