Okay, so...
Ever since as long as I can remember, I've held conversations with voices inside my head. I remember doing this as young as four. However, as I grew older I continued to do this. At first it was an imaginary friend, then it was another version of me. It would go something like this... (just an example, not how an actual conversation went)
Me: *Is doing something on a video game*
Voice 1: You should use that attack, it's really powerful against that guy.
Voice 2: Yeah, but it could miss. Easily.
Voice 1: I STILL say we should use it.
Voice 2: That's a stupid idea.
Voice 1: What? NO it isn't!
Voice 2: What’s the use if it misses?
*arguing goes on*
Me: Stop, both of you!
They almost always end up in an arguement in situations like that. Otherwise it goes like this...
Voice 1: That looks like a good one.
Me: I agree.
Voice 2: Yep.
Or something like that, usually longer. They disscuss what goes on in my daily life, and I join in unless they’re arguing. One is female and the other is male. The female is more gentle and tries to console me when I’m down. The male is more rough and antagonistic, yet can also be useful in certain decisions. They almost always insult each other in arguments in some way.
Othertimes I just plain have conversations with myself. I… always do. I can’t really even imagine thinking without doing it to an extent. The term “we” is often used both here and with the male and female voices. Like “I think we should do this”. Sometimes, however, “you” is used when they’re arguing or talking specifically to me. Sometimes they call me by my main online name (which I don’t want to post here).
That isn’t it, either. I get these odd beliefs. In fact, I have one right now. Please don’t laugh… I think… I think that Pokmon are real. I’ve loved Pokmon for a long time, and it feels right. When I play a game, I feel like the character I’m battling with exists, that we know each other. We have a very special bond. I love them… and they love me back.
That’s not the only belief I’ve had. I’ve gone through loads of beliefs, religious and… otherwise. I’ve believed in Digimon, Otakukin (I thought I was Flonne from Disgaea for a while), Soulbonding, many worlds, anime being real, everything being real, dragons and faeries, gods, goddesses, Paganism, Satanism, Christianity, that I’m actually a Pokmon, that I’ll become a Pokmon, that I’ll become a Pokmon Trainer, that I’ll wake up as a Pokmon in the Rescue Guild with my Squirtle partner, that Hamtaro might exist… the list goes on.
The belief I have now… that, basically, all souls originate here on earth. They’re reincarnated until they found they’re True Calling. Then they’re reincarnated one last time, into that world (for me it would be Pokmon). But they can remember their last life, which is for getting ready for their True Calling. The key is acceptance – acceptance of all other people and beliefs. After living their life in their True Calling world, they go to a place that’s kind of like Heaven, but it isn’t exactly perfect. However, you can basically do whatever you want, including make your own universes to live in. Since you live forever, you eventually learn everything.
I also used to have a friend who had Schitzofrenia (I say used to because he killed himself a couple years ago…). He had this odd belief system. For a while I believed in it. It too was focused on Pokmon.
It’s just… I can’t truly believe that something doesn’t exist. I look at something like a drawing and it feels real. I’ve always felt my toys, especially my plush Pokmon, have personalities and can talk with me. I feel like them and those voices I mentioned can read my mind, which gets somewhat distressing sometimes. I also feel like other people can read my mind from time to time even though I know they can’t. Sometimes I also feel like random people I see on the street or whatever are out to get me.
This is the first time I’ve written this out. I don’t know what to do… I’m afraid to tell my parents. I think they’ll just say I like Pokmon too much and that it’s nothing serious. Most of all, I’m afraid they’ll take my Pokmon things away, a pain that I find unimaginable… delusions aside, I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this series and couldn’t stand seeing it ripped away. I don’t know what to do…
