Hi I'm Dante, 23 years old, and day before yesterday I found out my girlfriend of the last 4 years was cheating on me. She had been becoming more and more distant over the past couple of months and I had trouble getting ahold of here, I suspected something was going on but didn't confirm it until now. She claims it doesn't count as cheating because she broke up with me before dating this guy, she just never bothered to inform me about the break up and left me to find out about it on my own. Aside from that, she days she stopped loving me 2 years ago, apparently she was just dragging me along until a better deal came up. What kills me is just how cold she was about it, her own family was destroyed when her father cheated on her mom so she knows what that does to a person, but she acted like it was nothing. I just can't believe all the time and energy I've wasted on this girl, the last 4 years of my life have revolved around her, now I have no idea what to do. The betrayal was pretty devastating too, I've never been that close to anyone before, never told anyone the things I told her. I was pretty shy all throughout high school and never dated, she was my first and only girlfriend; the only other time I've been this depressed was actually before we got together, she probably saved me from hurting myself back then, I just really need that female companionship for some reason.
Honestly the breakup isn't the cause of my depression, it's just a pretty major blow all at once, my mom took me to the hospital last night because she was afraid of what I might do. Now I'm scheduled to talk to a psychiatrist but the earliest I can see anyone is monday. This whole thing has just left me so sick though; I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop dwelling on how happy I was with her at first and how I'll never get that back, I've got a constant knot in my throat and twisting pain in my stomach and just feel like I have a constant need to vomit. I don't think I'll be getting a new girlfriend any time soon either; I have no idea how to even meet women and besides that I'm unemployed and living with my mom, so not a very attractive package I've got going. I can barely get myself to leave the house anymore, even before the break up my depression was getting bad enough that I had lost almost all my motivation to do anything and can't concentrate on anything.
I just needed to get that off my chest, used to be she was the one I'd go to when I needed to talk to somebody, but now that's all gone and I just feel lost. I really have no idea what to do with my life any more, if I had to describe it I'd say it feels like I've been thrown off a cliff without any ropes or parachute, and all I can do is flail around and wait for it to end.
It's really good to type out your feelings and get it off your chest. I know too well how difficult it is to deal with depression especially, after getting your heart broke. I'm here if you need to talk.
First of all, NO woman is work contemplating taking your own life for. She hurt you, and now you are letting her ruin the rest of your life. This is very common. Your self-esteem has taken a bad hit, and you will need time to get over her, but don't waste too much time wallowing in self-pity, because you will miss out on lots of other things that life has in store for you. The first thing you need to do is realize that this was NOT your fault. It was HER fault. SHE is the one who changed, not you. You need to formulate a plan for yourself that starts with finding ways to tell yourself that you didn't deserve to be treated like this. Then, go out and get yourself some great new clothes and start going out. Force yourself to be around people. Even if you have to go to support groups to start, you will meet some interesting new people that in time, will make you forget all about her. If you need a job, GET ONE. That will keep you from reminding yourself that you are depressed, and will also help you to meet new friends. If you see her around town, be civil, but act like you could care less. Watch what she does... In time, when your self-esteem is restored, and you have new found respect for yourself, you will wonder why you ever wasted a minute with her! And you never know, she just might come wandering back, just about the time you no longer care about her. Revenge is sweet! Happens all the time! Good luck!
Well what's sad about this is that it was a long distance relationship, we went to high school together, I moved away after graduation, and she contacted me again after graduation and after talking for a while we started liking each other and became a couple. I've been trying to save up the money to move back out there to be with her and some of my friends still living, but I guess that's now a bust. I know it's stupid to hold onto a relationship like that but it's really all I had. We never really had the chance to be intimate and we were saving our selves until we could be together, which is something that really hurts about this. Being a 23 year old virgin is pretty sad, but being a 23 year old virgin no one wants is downright painful. I always really wanted to lose my virginity to another virgin, just to share that experience with someone without anyone having to feel less experienced or self conscious about it, but I doubt that'll ever happen, it seems like everyone else my age has already done it and even has kids by now, so that's just another thing I get to miss out on.
I just don't know what to do with women anymore; I remembered birthdays and anniversaries, I loved to send her flowers "just because" but apparently that's not enough. When I'm in love I want to just really give myself completely to someone, really devote myself to them and make them happy, unfortunately if they don't feel the same way it puts them in a great position to hurt me.
Not all women are are like this. You can't judge us all by one. She just wasn't the right girl for you. There are LOTS of women out there. And as far as her being "all you had..." that's not good for anyone. Never make ONE person the center of your universe. You can see the outcome. I commend you for being a virgin. Guess what? All you missed out on was alot of meaningless sex, possible STD's, possible fatherhood and alot more heartbreak. If you think all the people out there younger than you who are having sex are happy, just read the majority of the posts on this forum! There will be someone out there for you who thinks you are the most wonderful man that ever lived, and sex with her is going to be out of this world. You seem you be a genuinely romantic, sincere and sensitive guy, and they are hard to find in this day and age. Wait for that special woman, not just anyone off the street. You settle for that, and you're really in for heartbreak. Take time now to build up your self-esteem, and tell yourself you ARE the greatest, and you won't settle for second best. Don't let these women hurt you again. They are not worth it, but there will be one out there who is, and she's just for you. You'll see! Get out there and start living!
I know, I just keep coming back to how she is the one who did wrong but still gets to be happy and with someone and I'm left feeling lower than I've ever been. I realize life is unfair sometimes, but goddam, you'd think it'd be unfair in my favor once in a while instead of continually piling stuff on. It just pains me because we were friends before becoming a couple, and aside from the cheating I really loved everything about her, she was almost exactly the type of girl I liked. We might even have been able to remain friends if she bother to end things peacefully when she stopped feeling for me, rather than just telling me she still loved me until she found someone else to go off with. People keep telling me girls prefer romantic, sincere guys but I'm not sure how much I believe that anymore; I loved a girl as much as I could and she cheated on me, meanwhile the father of my sister's first kid has about a dozen children and he doesn't take care of any of them, every time he knocks up one girl he cheats on her and moves on to the next. That not the kind of life I want but the point remains that he's awful towards girls but still somehow seems to attract them.
I don't know about the sex thing either, I can't really imagine a woman liking the idea of being with a virgin in his mid 20's, seems more like she'd just be irritated with his inexperience. I mean hell, 23 and I haven't had so much as my first kiss yet, tell me that's not pathetic. For whatever reason I just feel like I can't be really happy unless I'm with someone, but I am just plain bad when it comes to women.
Dante, we've all had our share or bad experiences. ALL of us. We've all loved and lost, and lived to love again. I know life doesn't seem fair right now, but everyone gets their time to love, and time to lose. You know the old saying, "what goes around, comes around...". What makes you think your ex is so happy now, OR will continue to be happy in the future? Nobody can predict that. In six months time, you could be married, and she could be getting the big dumpo. Don't judge the future by the past, and you have to learn not to beat yourself up by being so negative about your life. There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at 23. I don't know why kids are so ashamed to say they held their bodies in such high regard that they are waiting for someone REALLY special, instead of treating them like a garbage dump for every sleazy loser that comes along. The woman that loves you will learn WITH you. It's a great experience being with someone and learning how to love them. The wham bam, thank you maam' that most kids go through is NOTHING like being with someone you know you can totally be yourself with, who loves you for YOU, imperfections and all.
As for the cheating men finding women, all I can tell you is, there are alot of stupid women out there who constantly put up with that sort of thing. Are they happy, NO! Ask your sister what she thinks of the father of her first child. Maybe you can get some insight from her.
I know of what I speak, I have been dumped, cheated on, gotten pregnant and married at 17, cheated on again, and a host of other things that I had to work through, but one thing I never lost, was my self-respect. I have been happily married for 39 years to the same man, my one and only sexual partner. We were both virgins too when we met, and even though life throws a curve now and then, we are as close as two people can be. He knows down deep ain't no woman gonna ever love him like I do, and ditto for me. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you, if you make up your mind you are going to go out there and find it. Don't spend this short life in sorrow for a lost love. A new one is waiting just around the corner if you become receptive to it. And who knows, you just might see that old flame again some day, if it is meant to be.
I don't think I could ever go back to her; I'll admit I miss what we've lost and part of me still wants her, but I don't think I can trust someone after a betrayal like that, and she knows it. Like I said before, her own family was torn apart by cheating, her father cheated on her mom and her sister cheated on her husband, she's seen what kind of damage that can do to a person but she was just so cold and uncaring about it when she did it.
I just had horrible luck with women, with the very few I've ever even hung out with I've either been too shy to talk to them, completely ignored by them, or usually in the best case scenario I'm just regarded as a friend, and not boyfriend material. I know women probably aren't happy with dating sleaze bags, but they still seem to prefer them.
You have alot of work to do to change your way of thinking. If you go back and read all your posts, you will see that you are very sad, negative, and judgemental of yourself. This is what you are projecting to the outside world, and why you are having such trouble with women. There is no air of self-confidence or assurance which is ESSENTIAL to draw people towards you. Don't let your past experiences dictate who you are going to be. Start finding the good things about yourself, play them up, and every day tell yourself you are worth being loved. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Plan to make a new start, stick to it, and you will find love again. If you would rather dwell in the past, and believe that you will never find happiness, you surely won't.
I know, when I'm down I try to figure out what the cause is and just wind up listing everything that I think is wrong with me. I just can't help but feel a little cynical and disappointed with how my life has gone so far, I seem to fail at a lot of the things I try. I'd like to believe things will get better, I just don't see that happening anytime soon. Thanks for your support with this.
I keep trying not to dwell on the negative anymore, but it's difficult, I never realized how common her name was until I specifically tried to avoid hearing it, I keep hearing it at least half a dozen times a day. Hell I'm even dreaming about her, so I get to wake up feeling miserable.
I couldn't really tell how cruel she could be until after she was done with me, I knew she was getting distant but I just tried to remain hopeful that we could fix it and just assumed the best about her. I can move on, I just wish it will be soon.