Hi my name is Devin and this is my first post. Since I was about 13 I have been depressed on and off and I always feel like a rage inside of me. That's the only way I can describe it. I just feel angry and mean. I just turned 20 today and the day went fine until not long ago. I figured if I can't talk to anyone else about this then I would like to talk to someone who will understand. This scares even me at times. Anyways I have been on zoloft, lexapro, paxil, xanax, klonapin, abilify, zyprexa, clonidine and I can't even remember what else. The anti-depressants made me homicidal/suicidal. The mood stabilizers made me sleep constantly and gain 60 pounds in 2 months or I just felt like I was coming out of my skin; itchy, antsy, and more angry. The clonidine was very addicting and I hated it. Xanax makes me even more snappy and mean. The klonapin just keeps my anxiety down.
Here's an example of what happens to me: I'll be with my girlfriend and she gets mad at me, cries, tells me I'm always mean to her, etc. and I absolutely CANNOT remember what happened! It's like it is completely erased from my memory. I cannot help but be mean ALL the time. I honestly hate it. It isn't just her either, it's my friends and family and even strangers at times, but the memory of what I did is not there.
Maybe this is normal but when I get angry this happens: My vision gets blurry always and sometimes completely black, I get dizzy always, I often drool, my brain goes a million miles per hour and I feel like I'm going to explode inside. This anger comes as easy as not being able to get my shoe on. Please somebody out there help me!
Devin, you remind me of my son. Please gather all of this that has happened to you in your life and lay it at the feet of the Lord Jesus and ask Him for help. There is an emptiness in every one of us that only God can fill. If you start there, and ask Him to come into your heart and life and fill you up with His strength and healing and His love, He will come in. Please, Devin, start there. My son doesn't want to listen to that but I hope that you will. I hope that you will give Jesus a try. He's a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and He cares for you.