My partner and I have been together for 3 years now. He is an incredibly deep and kind man. We are very happy and have a 90% healthy relationship, the 10% that is unhealthy is his verbal abuse. When he gets beyond angry past the point of being able to communicate,he begins to start calling me names and saying I suck his life out and that he hates everyone and wants to blow everyone up. Yes, it sounds really violent, but he does not hit me, does not yell, he says it in a calm and hateful voice. He recognizes that he does this, but it is still very difficult. He had a difficult childhood, his dad used to beat him and abuse his mother verbally. His dad has changed and hasn't done that in several years. His mother is the cold type of personality, never shows love, which in result he feels no love from women. He was made fun of as a child for being different and in his youth had a hard time with women. His parents are the type that make you feel you are never good enough, which is why he has a lower self-esteem. His hate from the world comes from being made fun of and not accepted, and I can only conclude that his verbal abuse comes from his father and mother. My question: Has anyone experienced living in a happy relationship but with a situation like this happening? How can I help him?
I would suggest going to couples therapy, this can be very successful. Your situation is very hopeful because the good out weighs the bad. Be supportive but do not let him degrade you at the same time. His upbringing could have a factor in his behavior but it is not an excuse.
I am so sorry to hear about this, but I can relate. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and we have lived together for the past 6 months. His dad absolutely has anger issues, and his mother is bi-polar, but on medication which makes her sedated and incapable of having a real relationship or showing emotion.
I love him and think for the most part we have a deeply loving and healthy relationship. However, he has an incredibly short fuse, and can't "roll with the punches," and when something minor happens or I fall short in his eyes, he can YELL. IT's never physical, like you say, but that doesn't mean it doesn't take a toll on me emotionally. He is wearing me down and I don't know what to do. I have previously told him that I can no longer subject myself to this stress, and that if he doesn't go to therapy, that I need to move out and re-evaluate the relationship. He always agrees- and I think it's genuine-he knows he has anger issues- but we talk and cry and cuddle and the next week it's the same thing all over again and I feel dumb for staying here. But that 90% of the time that we're happy is too hard to leave. He is a wonderful man.
I don't have a solution to offer, just my empathy. I'm going to try to get him to actually GO to therapy, and I've offered to go as well, but I think part of his hesitance over going to a therapist has to do with his childhood- growing up with an abusive dad and bipolar mom would be hard to face in therapy and they know it. I'm just not sure where my breaking point will be, or what it'll take for me to give an ultimatum. It's hard not to let his past make me sympathetic, but remember- We have to look out for ourselves too!