I'm not sure where to start but just getting this out in the open should help me. I'm engaged to my boyfriend and we have been having relationship problems lately concerning about all aspects of our lives together. We have been together off and on for almost eight years. I'm 25 and he is 30. We have been engaged almost a year and for the most part very stable in our relationship since then. As much as I love my fiancé we struggle with so many problems that it is hard to believe there was ever a time we didn't fight. On the outside our relationship seems very positive. We live in a beautiful home, drive nice cars, have two cats we love, and seem to everyone around us to have our stuff together. I recently graduated from college with my BFA and my fiancé owns his own company that supports us pretty well. Since I haven't found a job yet I work for my fiancé helping with his company. This puts a lot of pressure on us since we spend all of our time together at home and at work. His line of work is very stressful, which also puts more strain on us. He is very driven by making money and measures his personal success on how much he makes. My personality is much different. I'm an artist who believes personal success is measured by how you feel inside and your personal growth. However I do like nice things and appreciate the lifestyle we live. I understand without him I couldn't have the things I have. I also understand that whatever kind of job I do find with my degree will not measure up to his standards. I also feel like if I chose to continue working for him that he really will never fully appreciate the help I give him or be satisfied with what I can add to the company. He works very hard and he puts a lot of time and energy into his work. However at home he expects me to clean and cook while he might take out the trash once and awhile. On top of working for him I don't think I should have sole responsibility of the housework. I also do all the handy work for the house as he is incapable of using a hammer. Whenever we get busy at work or with other things the house tends to start looking messy and he can't understand why I don't do more. I feel very underappreciated. Every time we fight he acts like I don't work at all, even for him. He tells me to go find a job even if the day before I worked 14 hours straight for him. I never seem to be able to do enough for him. We fight a lot of about this and our fights usually end up in verbal abuse of each other. He tells me to leave if I am so unhappy but I feel trapped in my situation since the house is under my name and I cannot afford it without him and in the economy it would be difficult to sell it for what is owed. I don't have a job without him either thus far and any job I could get wouldn't be enough to sustain the house. We do have good times too. When things are good between us they are very very good. I feel loved and taken care of. He makes me laugh and I can picture a future with children. However, he can easily change moods from being happy to yelling at me for something that means nothing. He over exaggerates everything as if the world were ending every time I forget to do something or mess up at work. I almost feel like I put up with these things in exchange for a nice lifestyle...and I almost feel like he buys my love when he feels he might be losing his grasp on me. I'm not saying he is a bad person at all. He has a lot of good qualities and I know he does love me and needs me since he is very verbal with his emotions. When things are going well I have no complaints. To a lot of people in our lives, such as friends, see me as spoiled by him yet they don't see the emotional burden I feel like I carry to be with him. I want to get married since I feel like when things are good I couldn't do better. I also feel like I put in eight years of hard work with him to get this far and was with him before he started making money and therefore feel like I've helped make him what he is and to leave would be leaving all the hard work I've been putting into making our life what it is. My family loves me but live in a different state and can't financially help me in anyway to help me leave, even if I would take their help. I'm scared of being by myself and any attempt at doing so before has ended badly. I've been with him since I was 17 and although I'm a hardworking person, I still feel like everything in life is much scarier without someone going through it with you by your side. My attempts at dating other men while on breaks with him have also depressed me since I feel like the men I attract are losers. This might be due to my low self esteem which should be evident by now. It seems like the only good part of our relationship is sexual as we click very well that way. Anyway, we have gone to counseling before. It helped temporarily but has no lasting result for us. I want this to work out but feel like my soul is slowly drowning and I'm losing all grasps on my individuality. I've stopped making art and although I find pleasure in gardening and other things like this I feel a void. I don't know how much this is a result from our problems or my own issues with being burnt out after graduation. I'm happy that I'm finally out of school but feel less like myself without it and less appreciated by him. I feel like I'm in life limbo. I could get married and put up with the occasional emotional abuse and some happy times or face the world by myself and be poor and alone. If I felt lost now in my life, I feel without my fiancé I would be completely and utterly lost. I suppose I'm comfortable living a life in which I know what to expect compared to the unknown. And I understand that the whole blog is a result of us not getting along and if we were getting along my story would be completely different. I suppose I just need to know at what point to give up at and if I'm even capable of doing that.
Why would anyone put up with even a small amount of emotional abuse? Abuse, any abuse, is abuse and should not be tolerated unless it is something you are willing to accept as being a part of your life. By accept, I mean, you don't get the opportunity to complain about it, you accept it as a part of your relationship. Complaining is not accepting.
I would never accept someone abusing me or treating me like less than who I am.
It sounds like it would be a good idea if you did get a job and did not depend on him so much financially or emotionally. Getting out of the house and doing other things, getting your mind off the immediate issues, is very beneficial.
I'm not comfortable voting on this poll though, it isn't something strangers should decide for you. You need to decide these major life choices for yourself.
see there are two aspects to this problem
if you see it emotionally, you both love each other, but he has tendency to take you for granted, as he knows you are not earning as much as he is. so gear up, devote more time to your work. its not necessary to earn, what he is earning. create a scene where he has to say please lets do it from my money. and widen your friend circle. all iam trying to say is keep yourself so busy that he should need you.
practical approach would be to transfer the house in his name, consult a good attorney he will give you many excuses, how to do it. and practically thinking this is bound to happen if he thinks that you are making less money than him
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What do you want for yourself. If you had a daughter and she found herself in a similar situation....would you want her to stay becuase of the money and comfort yet killing her soul or would you want her to find inner peace, feel complete make a stand and fight for what she wants and what she believes to be true. You have putten so much into your relationship....you have been living together. So conult with a lawyer and find out what your rights are....
You sound like a beautiful person! I am sure you are very addractive on the outside aswell....
Wow, this situation sounds soooo familar, because I am in the same boat. In fact mine is worst because I am married with a baby. My husband puts me down so much that is has gotten comfortable doing it in front of other people. We don't have much company anymore because they have commented to me that they don't like to see the verbal abuse. The sick thing is I have put up with it for so long that it feels normal. I am so in love with my husband and I look up to what he says that is why I sometimes feel like I deserve it. Unlike you I do work everyday, as well as do all of the house work. He he fortunate enough to not have to work instead he watches the baby. I had been seeing some red flags come up here and there indicating infidelity. His response was if you don't trust me then I will go out there and be with other people. He also stated that I am not enough for him but that he still loves me and can't live without me. Don't get me wrong he is a good guy, he just doesn't show it to me...I feel so used and taken for granted. I might not be perfect but I am a human with feelings. I don't deserve this. I know that if I left him I would be leaving the beautiful home, the trips, and the lavish lifestyle, but is it worth me loosing my pride over?