i don't know if i'm re-posting,
i've been reading the previous posts in the forum,
and didn't find a situation that's really suits my condition (or maybe i miss it?),
anyway, i just want to know what's wrong with me. i know this is weird, i know this is stupid, and i know this is crazy (cause i thought so too)
I have a perfect family, parents that always love me, siblings that are nice to me, good friends and teachers, and so on. a perfect life.
but sometimes i just feel really down, hopeless, worthless, useless, and depressed(?) without any reason.
i've tried to overcome this feeling by listening to music, or go for a nap, but that didn't really help.
and then(i don't know when it's started), every time i feel this feeling, i have a great urge to hurt myself.
years ago, i started to hit myself and/or bite myself whenever i felt this feeling, but then it didn't make me feel better anymore.
thus, i started cutting myself with a razor.
it was shallow at the first and it wasn't really much, 2 or 3 slices each time
then, it got worse.
i cut more and deeper.
and when i've got no chance/can't do it, i starve myself.
or eat a lot of food and force myself to throw up afterward.
but 4 months ago,
my parents sent me to study overseas,
i'm living with someone else now,
so, i can no longer force myself to vomit or starve myself, because they'd notice.
then, i started smoking, but it doesn't make me feel better
i still need to cut myself whenever the urge come
it's like.. i'm craving for pain
i feel happy(?) whenever i make myself suffer (this is the most crazy part)
i've never tell anyone about this,
i fear they'd keep distance from me,
but, i don't want to be like this forever too.
i want to get help, but i'm too scared to tell anyone..
i was about to burn myself with my own cigarette since yesterday,
but i restrained my urge,
i don't know for how long i can restrain it...
my sister-in-law has a very similar story to yours, and so far I have been the only person she has felt comfortable enough to tell about it. My only advice to you is to talk to someone, as hard as that step may be. There's nothing wrong with admitting you have a problem, and the people that love you the most are the best ones to ask for help, even if they dont respond the way you were hoping at first. Also, whenver you get these urges to hurt yourself, come up with a rule of some kind, like something you HAVE to do that involves getting up and using your hands (a hobby of some sort?) so that 1, your mind is going to be drawn away from this issue, and 2, you can't hurt yourself if your hands are busy doing something constructive! Even volunteering with an animal shelter, a homeless shelter/soup kitchen. Helping people in spare time is a great way to feel good about yourself, because you are helping someone. Good luck to you! And by the way, my sister in law has been able to reduce the amount of time she has these urges, simply by being able to talk to me about it. :]