My senior year of college, many things began falling apart. I left behind a summer love that I thought could replace my best friend who I had been in love with for all of college, but distance proved to be too much. My beloved cat died, and more and more the thought of my best friend and I going our separate ways at the end of that school year began to weigh heavy on me. I began seeing a psychologist through the school clinic and was diagnosed with clinical depression, or unipolar depression. I had more than one night where I thought of killing myself, and on one occasion when I expressed this thought to a friend, she called the cops and they took me into a hospital. I fell behind in my school work in that last month because of this and my depression hindering my ability to work, and ultimately I failed my last final of the semester and did not graduate. My best friend moved away to begin her graduate school program soon after this, and I have not received a single phone call, email, or facebook message since that day (13 months now), when she said goodbye, but I didn't realize it was the last time I would talk to her, the last time I would be able to tell her that I love her.
Since then, I have been unable to take classes to finish my degree because the medical bills from my psychologist visits are on my student account and they will not let me sign up for classes until I pay this. I've been trying to pay it off for a year now, but I just cannot do it. Something else always comes up. Additionally, I have not been in treatment for almost a year now. I get up, go to work, come home, try to eat something, and then go back to bed. I still work on the university and people ask me what I plan to do next, but I give fake answers because I'm too embarrassed to explain my situation to my peers. I wanted to go to grad school, I wanted to make my dreams a reality, but now I just don't care about my life. Everybody I was close to down here is gone and I have no means to go someplace else. I'm trapped and I think I'm just going to kill myself. I see nothing left for me anymore. I think this was supposed to be cathartic, but now it just seems more clear to me that I should just end it.
