I know the first thing people will ask when they read this is why hasn't she gone to a doctor...I don't have insurance until Nov 1 it doesn't seem that far away to most but to me everyday it feels like my head is going to explode. please see below for the best description I can provide and further down for my questions.

In general I can almost never sleep, once i fall asleep I wake up several times and most times i do fall asleep I don't ever want to get out of bed. Most of the days my mind spins back and fourth leaving me try to convince myself to rationalize myself into normal terms but daily this gets harder and it this circle of thoughts from hyper-esq to demotivated feeling lonely down like i cant carry a conversation i can longer cry and constantly stuck on the thought of death. But this happens in what seems like sessions sometimes its five minutes of being really social and motivated to wanting to lay in a bath tub and slit my wrists. This past weekend was a weekend of extremely high behaivor just everything seemed wonderful.

I also get extremely anxious, fidgety like someone can read me i don't want to sit still but at the same time i cant move.

I don't know how my mind has turned into this can anyone tell me?
I go back and forth between these thought so many time sometimes that i just keep rubbing my head hoping they will go away, this does not work. I get a headache/panic when this happens my respirations increase as does my heart rate well-at least thats how it feels like my heart and lungs are going to jump out of my chest. People have started noticing these things and asking questions making comments. I even took tests online and they say i am i know that isnt a diagnosis but maybe a reference point. I'm overwhelmed by this mental friction and i just want to die...please someone how do you handle it on your own? as soon as i have coverage i will find a doctor but im pretty much afraid i wont make it that far. Being alone is the worst