Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Understanding a person who has been in an abusive relationship?

Hello, I usually would not do this but I am at my wits end? I am currently somewhat dating a girl who has been in an abusive relationship, both mentally and physically. I was her friend through the ending of it trying to help her get past it but now I am emotionally involved with her. I care about her very much but I do not know what to do?

He is in and out of her life and still will hurt her emotionally but every time I try and tell her you control your own life, tell him no you can't come over, no I can't see you she gets mad at me and says I do not understand and gets really mad at me for it. She will even tell me that is why I cant talk to you about it, but wants me to stay there and be there for her through any aftermath.

I don't understand, I do really care for her and I have always picked her up but I don't know what to do? She says she deals with it in her own way but it hurts seeing her hurt, seeing him hurt her. What do I do? There is a lot more to it but this is a main part of it. Can anyone help me? Point me in any direction? Please I thank you for your time...
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replied August 25th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hi and am sorry to hear about your problems, well i think you need to get her on her own and explain to her exactly what he is doing to hear take her somewhere that is not familiar woth the abuse and heartache so she feels comforted and safe, then try and talk to her tell her your there for her and she doesnt have to deal with it on her own anymore, try and get hold of a domestic abuse number or centre and ask her to give it a call and speak to some of the woman who have been through it themselves and maybe that might be enough to make her wanna leave for good. Explain to her that some women dont make it out alive after a partner has been abusive and let her know that it could come to that kind of scare her into leaving...I know this sounds like a harsh way but believe me it works! i have been through it myself and i stayed with an abusive partner for years until i realized i don't have to suffer in silence there is so many ppl out there who can help just let her know all this and that you will support her through it all and hopefully she will listen.. hope this helps hun...Jenny
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replied August 25th, 2009
Supporter
you might have to walk away from her. if she continues to be with someone that is mentally and physically abusive to her, and expect you to deal with her decision and help her when she needs a shoulder to cry on but it's too hard for you to deal with it.
i can tell you about a certain family memeber that always gets herself stuck in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and always cry to me for help. i allowed this person to live with me for two years, and the second episode i bought her furniture when she got her own place......the list goes on and on.
i would tell people my story and it would upset them seeing me get upset all the time over this person's bad choices. until someone told me im going to have to let go and let that person figure out what they have to do. i voiced my opinion about how i felt which went in one ear and out the other.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Afriend2u
I'm sure you mean well but you're not qualified to help this woman with a clinical issue. Your presence and support is well meaning but it could be enabling her responce to her Ex's abusive behavior. If you love her strongly encourage her to seek some help from a trained health provider or at least a abuse counselor.
You should also evaluate the emotional cost of investing yourself in this girl. She's not well and her continued contact with a former abusive Ex despite your concerns is a horrible sign for your relationship.
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