hello there and may i first say i speak as a mother who has a daughter your age..Honey you may have problems with your father and a restricting order but he has the power of a parent to press charges easily..
your pregnant to your fiance of whom you say you love and the thing that disturbs me is he should have protected you more and used a condom..
he is aware of the pressure from your father so should have proved he was responsible to take care of you not get you pregnant..
I would strongly advise you do not marry honey as from my experience they quickly move on when the going gets tough...
you said your mother likes him and may i ask what she said about the baby?
obviously she is aware you are moving? is she moving also to be near you as i think your reason to move and marry is a mistake..
I think your father is more angry at your fiance taking your young years away from you so soon and a few months down the line into motherhood...
this does not in any means say i agree of his treatment towards you as your father was in no way a loving parent..i feel for honey i really do..
my advise to is simple no marriage, and if there is already a restriction order let it be and see if things blow over..
maybe this way you will not have the stress of father pressing charges...from what i can read from your post this has escalated since your pregnancy so your fiance should have been more careful..
we are here for you to talk too anytime and advise you so if you have any questions or advise you want just ask us honey as we are here to support you not judge.

I agree with many of ioka's statements. I too am a mother and my only child (daughter) will be 26 this year. You stated your "sperm donator) -funny cause this is what my daughter calls her biological dad) gave your Mother full custody. Have you not mentioned to him if he should wanna start something, you in turn will file an abuse complaint on him? It sounds to me like your "dad" is making threats or at least trying to get you scared. I feel he has no grounds as he can not prove your fiances Mother has done anything to aid in this. When do you turn 17 and is this a legal age to leave home? I think it is in lot of states. I feel you need to talk too your "sperm donator" and tell him flat out if he stands a chance with any kind of relationship with you or this baby, he best back off....accept it or stay away. You do not need this DRAMA in your life. I am giving you my opinion as a Mom....you are way too young to be mixed up with a 28 year old man. I feel he was extremely IRRESPONSIBLE...but we can't change the past. I hope and pray for your sake and this babys that he will man up and do the right thing.... taht is take care of you and the baby. I wish you all the best!

i was torn to give you an answer to your question because i see your delimah.
i agree with fairgodmother, if you can talk to your dad and tell him to back off or threaten him with the abuse to see how he responds.
i know that your pregnant, and you think that if you get married to your boyfriend that this will make all the things your dad is doing go away.
the problem i m having is i deal with so many older women who are married or in a live in relationship. and they cry about their b/f or husband cheating, hitting, not giving them any respect, how they grown out of love with them, disrespecting them etc.
you are so young to deal with all the issues that can come up. if you say he is a nice person....i thought that about my son's father until i lived with him. some guys loose interest fast and when they see a prettier girl, your last weeks news. some guys cant take stress, you stress them, they will cheat.
i wish you well in what ever you do, and maybe your story will be that success story.
what if your b/f makes other female friends because he feels that you are so young you cant relate to him, your not on his level because you lack experience.
i just think you need to think about this a little more.

I'm a little concerned about the character of a 28 year old man who would be willing to have sex with a 16 year old girl. Please be sure to think long and hard before agreeing to marry this man. In my opinion you should concentrate of what's best for you and your baby. Your fiancee is going to have to deal with these charges and hope that the court doesn't follow through with them, but he should have thought about that before he got a teenage girl pregnant.

I MUST ADD MY SPERM DONOR DOES NOT KNOW THAT WE ARE TOGETHER HE IS JUST ASUMING AND AMUSED BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER BECAUSE HIS MOTHER AND HIM AND THEIR FAMILY GOT ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. NOR DOES THE SPERM DONOR KNOW I AM PREGNANT. HE WONT EVEN EXERCISE HIS VISITATION HE ASKED FOR WITH ME. I WENT TO HIS WORK WALKED RIGHT PAST HIM AND HE DIDNT EVEN SAY ONE WORD TO ME. HIS FAMILY IS NOT INVOLVED WITH ME ANY MORE BECAUSE THEY SAY YOU DONT GO AGAINST FAMILY IN COURT YET THEY SAT ON HIS SIDE. I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF MY SPERM DONOR HE HAS MUSTED UP MY LIFE FOR 16 YEARS AND IF I SEE HIM OR HIS TRUCK OR HIS GIRLFRIEND I GET CLOSE TO CARIDAC ARREST THAT IS HOW BAD IT IS. HE IS STILL SUPPOSEDLY BEING INVESTIGATED FOR ABUSE. YES I NO ALOT OF PEOPLE FROWN BECAUSE OF THE AGE BUT HE IS THE FATHER OF MY BABY AND HE HAS CRIED TO ME BECAUSE HE HAS ONLY SEEN MY 2 WEEKS OUT OF THE 4 MONTHS SO FAR I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT. HE HAS FACED MY SPERM DONORS CHARGES AND MESS OVER AND OVER. HE HAS STUCK IT OUT WITH ME THRU ALL THIS AND IS STILL HERE SO I REALLY DO THINK HE CARES AND IT AINT LIKE HE WAS LOOK FOR SOME ONE TO BANG HE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP AND I DO TO. NOT SURE ABOUT MARRIAGE YET BUT JUST WONDERING IF THAT COULD PUT A STOP TO ANY FUTURE CHARGES OR ANY ONE TO PUT A STOP TO MY SPERM DONOR. I JUST DONT NO WHAT TO DO I AM AT WITZ END.

You sure are in a lot of stress for someone so young and pregnant too. Stress is not healthy for the baby. If you're sperm donar has been so abusive to you, have you thought of calling the authorities and reporting his abusive behavior? It might let him know that you are serious and want to be left alone. You can also take out a restraining order against your sperm donar and that would look bad for him in court. Just some suggestions.

i have had a restraining oreder against him and when we went to go have the hearing i had an attorney i got on my own and then he ask for extension because he only had witnesses and no attorney and then we came back he had an attorney and i still had mine and witnesses and he had no witnesses so he wanted to make a deal. he gave custody to my mom and got visitation why he asked for that when he wont even talk to me when i am in his face i have no idea. but they drop the order of protection but the custody order says he is not suppose to harass or intimidate me. well not even 4 hours after the court he was following me and my mom taking picture we reported that nothing was done. then he harassed me a elementary school when with a family friend to get her granddaughter and i went to police and nothing. so i am filing for another oder of protection see if tht will stop him. i have reported the abuse to police he has 14 cases against him and nothing yet. i dont let it stress me out til i have it in my face again like i will when i have to go down there to get my little brother and sister from him with my mom for her visitation.

no one said that your baby's father doesnt care about you. i think the the people who gave you advice is much older and they are giving you protective advice, advice they would give their own children.
i would like to private message you if you dont mind.

Okay before I comment I need a little bit of clarification. You live in Alaska? Your "sperm donor" and mother live in Alaska? Your fiance is in Illinois? You are moving to Indiana? Question is your fiance military? When did your 'sperm donor" relinquish his custody to your mother?

i live in alaska with my mom. fiancee is in illinois moving to indiana to start college there. i am moving to indiana soon to move back in with him. i was living with him for 3 months while i was not in my mothers care and sperm donor had order of protection and could not be within 500 feet of me. mother got custody the end of april.

Still confused. So you went to Illinois to stay with your fiance? You are 4 months pregnant, you physically lived with your fiance, and your mother was awarded custody this past April? When will you turn 17?

i lived in illinois because that is where my biological father lives and that is how i might my fiancee well one night he had heard the abuse over the phone and him and his mom came and got me and i have not returned to that house since. i went and live with my fiancee than boyfriend my mother was not in the picture til department of child and family services called her and told her she needed to take custody our some thing otherwise i was goin to state care so when the court hearing came she came down from alaska for the court cases and took me well father at that point gave it up. i will be 17 in august.i then found out on spring break in florida that i was pregnant and i am currently 14 weeks with a baby boy. i dont let the stress get to me because that is what good mothers do they separate that from day to day living and i want to be a good mother and dont want to harm my lil man. he is healthy and do just fine.

hi wickscaligirl09...

i have 3 areas i'd like to discuss and dial into a little bit.
1) your baby.
2) current fiance
3) you and sperm donor, your relationship, and his supposed interference in your current life.

1) you seem to have a very mature attitude about having your baby and wanting to be a good mother. i think that's commendable of you and it speaks well of your mentality and your emotional maturity, though you are very young. i hope you keep this attitude, and that you are a wonderful (and protective) mom to your son.

that having been said, please understand that being a wonderful and protective parent is an awesome thing, but it's a lot harder to do than it is to talk about. you're going to make mistakes (maybe even some big ones), but regardless of the fact that you're going to make mistakes, you're still going to love your boy...right? that pretty much means that should you find your boy in a bad situation, you're going to fight to do what you think is in his best interest. stay with me here ok?

2) current fiance. i'm not going to bust your chops for seeing him or falling for him. you probably love him for some very understandable and finite reasons. you aren't doing anything wrong and it seems to me that you're probably looking for some stability in your life, you want to be with someone who can help you grow and who has been around more than your peers. all very logical reasons for a 17 year old girl to be with a 28 year old man.

here's the dig though. hope you'll understand my perspective, though you probably won't like it. for all the good reasons you have to want to be with him, the same does not apply to him wanting to be with you. just my opinion, but you've pointed out that you've been more or less victimized by the adults in your life and while you want to be a great mom for your son (and i believe you will be), i believe that your fiance is victimizing you.

honestly, i think that there is not one reason why a 28 year old man should be going after and having sex with a 16 year old girl. i don't think he should have gotten near you in any way, and i do believe that this makes him a pedophile. please understand that my opinion does not reflect on you in any way. i just honestly think that he lacks judgement in such a profound way by being with you and getting you pregnant. you'll understand a lot more about what i'm talking about when you're 28 (i'm 27 incidentally). i'm not talking down to you, but please allow me that there is a lot of growing and learning that occurs (or should occur) between the ages of 16 and 28 (just as much so as you have learned and grown from age 8 to 16). at 16, you understand things that an 8 year old could not possibly comprehend, and this is the way a 28 year old should be compared to you mentally. probably the idea of you at 16 having sex with an 8 year old would seem "sick" to you. well, that's how your 28 year old b/f seems to us who can see things from our own perspectives. the fact that your fiance doesn't see his actions as sick is just wrong. again, this is not your fault.

3) sperm donor. sounds like a real jerk. i'm sorry for the fact that you've had such a hard time as an adolescent with your folks. it sounds like sperm donor doesn't need to be in your life, and you seem pretty certain that you don't want him there in the future. i have no problem with that.

the only thing i would congratulate sperm donor for is for trying to get your fiance thrown in jail for statutory rape. i know it hurts to read those words, and i don't say them to be hurtful to you, but like i referred to you and your son, even if you're an imperfect mom (or a deeply flawed one) you can still make a right decision once in a while, and in this case, i think that sperm donor is not trying to hurt you, but to keep your fiance from victimizing you. i guess i don't expect you to be able to understand this, but i sure wish i had a way to explain it to you in such a way that you would understand.

can anyone else pick it up from here? love to you and very best wishes wickscaligirl09.
jasmine

wickscaligirl09, you have got yourself in a pickle. I have researched your legal situation. I asked questions earlier because I wanted to know some facts before I proceeded to respond. What I understand is that you have obviously been in your father's custody until abuse modified the order granting your mother custody of you April of this year. In your father's care you ventured out and met a 28 year old man that lives with his mother? I assume this because you stated per a phone call one night your fiance overheard verbal abuse by your father and your fiance and his mother picked you up. Some time afterward you went to court and the judge granted custody to your mother. Now you are in Alaska, engaged, pregnant, and wanting to marry to avoid your father's interference? First of all I researched the law books and I considered both states. Alaska and Illinois you have to have both parent's consent under the age of 18. I also researched the legal age of sexual consent in Illinois. The legal age for consent is 17. Your father is acting in the guidelines of the law against your fiance. I cannot fathom the idea of a mother nonchalantly giving you the okay. I make that statement as a mother of 3, my youngest, 19 year old daughter. In my opinion a 16 year old girl has nothing to offer a 28 year old man in the sense of maturity and intelligence. I can understand how your dependence on your fiance may have took place. You obviously have been through the ringer with your father and well a man offered you some attention. Hence, your involvement with your fiance. You commented that you dont let the stress get to you. Good mothers can separate it. I will be the first to beg to differ. As I mother I constantly worry for my children. I do find myself stressed at times wondering if some of the decisions they make do they really understand them? Stress and motherhood well it's like bees to honey. It goes hand in hand. My suggestion is to stay put in Alaska with your mother. Take care of yourself, have your baby, finish school, then when your fiance is finished with college proceed with your marriage.

It would be wonderful if you two women could accomplish what I and many other parents could not accomplish in life...That being talking a girl of this age into something that makes sense...We tried doing everything in our power to change what we could not change...When the wrong people, and I am talking about older men, get ahold of a younger girl, you are helpless...They will cheat, lie and steal and may I add threaten to do bodily harm, to break free...At times, you swear you are fighting the devil himself....This person can and will tear down the family structure to have her way...In her eyes, she is being prosecuted...She wants to run...Break free...She is an adult...Then, may I add, you get to the point when you just plain don't care...This blood of your blood and flesh of your flesh, is someone you don't know...You finally give up....You release your hold....and try to live....

This is what this world is producing....Good parents, but when the wrong hands touch youth, both you and they become strangers....You have lost and they have won....Or have they?????.....

wickscaligirl09...

if you read caroline's words, you'll quickly realize that they are wrought with pain. they are also (and more importantly) wrought with experience.

caroline's perspective in this situation is a gold-mine of opportunity for you, but i don't know if you will see that or if you are capable of pulling yourself away from your situation far enough to really sink your mind into caroline's thoughts.

in her brief note to you, she has essentially told you the entire story from beginning to end, and also she has pointed out who is in control of this situation. you are, and you have a choice to make (in fact a whole series of choices) about how you are going to live your life, who will be a part of it and who will not, and why.

caroline is a realist (not an optimist or pessimist) in what she wrote to you. now its all up to you.

wickscaligirl09, you came on this website seeking advice for a reason. although you said that your circumstances are very complex, many of us see those circumstances as pretty basic (not good, by any means), but we clearly understand where you are in life and why you think the way you do. i hope you will contemplate the advice you've been given and make a decision to get rid of the b/f. it's time for you to stand up and be a mama for your baby and the best decision you could make for that child is to proceed in a life without her sperm donor.

jasmine

jasmine

I agree with Jasmine and I also think you've been given wonderful advice here. Let me say one thing. Always choose and pick the best people for your child to spend his life with. Love him enough to give him better than you had. This is what a mother does for her child. This is how a good mother protects her child. Give him a wonderful life and you will be a wonderful mother if you do. I hope this makes sense. Remember, our children watch and learn from us. Set the best example you can.

Your post is heart wrenching. If you can look yourself in the mirror and say I have given all that I can, I have been the best parent I can be, then you have to let it go. That doesnt mean stop loving or stop trying to reach out. Whatever road children are lead down they always find their way back. It may not be when we want it and it may rocky but the seed you planted and the love you nourished will flourish. We as mothers always try to endure the pain for our children. Sometimes the pain is what they need to find their own way. I will keep you in my prayers.

i thank everyone for their advice and yes i am taking time to think about me for a change and what is best for me and my baby. i have alot going on this week and i think alot of deicsions to be had. i will think about all your guys advice as i do so.

i am also thinking about confronting my "father" and just alot it is going to be hard as if i aint emotional enough. but i got to pack i am going down to lower 48 to look into a cosmetology school to farther myself.