last night was by far, one of the worst nights i have had in a really long time. i was having some severe thoughts. by this i mean, i could not stop thinking about hurting myself, and what it would be like if i were dead. i had a plan and everything, and i got so upset that i reached out to a friend. we had been texting for a while, and then i just decided to call her. it was around 1 this morning. she told me about how i need to be back on medication (i havent been off of it in 8 years till now) and she told me that i needed to get help. i understand this, but at the same time, i know it may do more harm than good. i dont want all of my workers to think that i am a failure... again. its just that i am hurting so bad, and in my head right now, as crazy as it is, i would rather be dead than to go on living with the pain. i keep fighting with myself on whether to kill myself or not. i know that i shouldnt. but at the same time, i cant take this pain. it has become unbearable.