Family Relationships Forum - trouble with inlaws...

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Q: trouble with inlaws...

asked by: ProudMommyof2008 on February 25th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

i live with my boyfriend and his family, and we have a son who will be 6 months tomorrow.
i get along great with his family, and we are thankful that they offered to let us stay with them till we get things in order.
my boyfriend works a 3am-3pm job, so he's gone most of the day which leaves me with our son, and his parents. they are nice people and all, but i hate how his mother always butts in and tells me what to do with my son rather than suggest it.

It makes me feel like such a failure as a mother when she does this, and sometimes she will jokingly say to my son, when he wants her to pick him up "your mommy doesnt know what you want!" and will laugh while she says this.

An example of how she takes over with my parenting, would be like last night.
We gave our son carrots for the first time, it wasnt that much because it is something new, and he enjoyed it. but after a few hours i gave him a bit more..and he ended up throwing up. it was a mistake, and i know for next time that one small serving is enough for him. I mean, im sure im not the first parent to do something like that.
then this morning she asked why i gave him so much and i had explained that it was a mistake i shouldnt have, and no for next time.
then she said im going to show you how today so he does not get sick, because it was too much yesterday.
and even with the bottles, i have stopped sterilizing them but she said i have to until hes 9 months, and i said no i dont, some people only sterilize them once and once only. and she made it sound like i was a bad parent for stopping the sterilization.

instead of offering advice, she takes over and demands its done this way, and instead of letting me learn from my mistake[like with the carrots] she takes over too, but im not going to let her do that when i feed my son again today.
I know better, and know not to give him more later on.

I am accepting of advice and suggestions, but i hate it when people take over what i am doing, and i hate it even more now when its something to do with my son. let me parent how i feel i should parent and do what i feel is right, and i will learn from mistakes too and will ask for help when i need it..

she just made it seem like this was the first day home with my son and i knew nothing...

sorry for ranting, i just needed to get that out..
anyone else have problems like mine?

Replies(17)

kyrafaith

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Supporter

MY mother is like that with Nathan. She always wants everything done her way from where and when he sleeps to how much i feed him to even what he wears. It is extremely annoying because she does everything backwards from how i want it done. I say right with nate she goes left. I dont want to raise nate the way i was raised and she thinks that is the end all be all. She insists her way is always right. My boyfriend compares my house to a jail cell because even though we are both adults we are under constant surveillance. We want our son to be raised with free will and the ability to express himself something that Matt was granted in his house that I never have had the opportunity to experience until i turned 18. I dont want Nathan to be raised like that and all my mother does is make me feel like a bad mother i am because i dont do things my way not hers. Proud Mommy, all mothers are like this i think. they think because they have done it before they have all the knowlege about everything. you either need to tell her, like i keep telling my mom, or decide on wheter or not you and your boyfriend can move out or in with other relatives that wont pry so much. Good Luck--- Kyra

deteragram

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Supporter

I hate to say it but as long as you are living in her house, you are pretty much at her mercy. In her defense,though, I doubt that she realizes how critical she is being. Grandma's are super-protective of their grandbabies and only want the best for them.
Since she is your boyfriend's mother, and not yours, I think he should be the one to mention it. I don't mean that he should say, "Proudmommy told me that you make her feel like she can't do anything right." That just makes it seem like you tattled on her. Instead he should mention a time that he himself witnessed her comments or behavior. Then he could say something like, "Mom, I know you're trying to help but I can't help but notice how much you criticize proudmommy. Last night, when you made that comment about XXXX, I could see that it really hurt proudmommy's feelings..."
Understandably, your boyfriend is probably tired and doesn't want to get in the middle of this. But if he loves you, and if you chose the right time and the right way to talk to him about it, he will say something to his mom.
I hope the situation improves soon.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Yes, we are living in his parents house, but we are not getting a free ride from them.

we pay rent just like we would in an apartment/condo, we provide ourselves and our child with everything with our own money, we pay bills, car insurance, phone/internet bills etc. we are doing everything we would be doing on our own, but in their house, just like one would if they lived in a basement apartment.

so because of that and because he is our child, sorry, i dont think she has a say in what i do as a parent.

i've tried like kyrafaith has also done, to stick up for myself, say this is how things are going to be and please i would rather you do this this way instead of that way to get our child on a routine. but it goes in one ear and out the other.
my sister inlaw comes and pokes at what i do too, she has 2 kids and thinks she has the know all end all about raising her kids under her belt. and the fact that everyone parents a different way goes right over her head and my mother inlaws head.
my boyfriends mom is an old fashion kind of person. and is very stubborn too.
saying these things would go over her head too.
right now, when she tells me how something should be done, when i am going with my instinct and know how to do it, i just nod my head and pretty much ignore her "parenting advice" or more so her way of doing it, and just continue doing it my way.
im the parent. i decide how my son is raised and do what my boyfriend and i think is best for our son. if we need help or a suggestion we ask for it, but i do not see how just because i live in his parents house but still pay rent and all the other things i said above that i have to listen to her and how she tells me to parent.

deteragram

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Supporter

Ummmmmm, did I miss something?

I never said you were getting a free ride from her. I said, as long as you live under her roof you are at pretty much her mercy. I say this because I have heard my own mother say the same thing a million times. She is a lot like your mother-in-law. I have not lived with her since I was 17 and I just turned 38. But I know how she is. If, for any reason I had to move back home (1) I would have to pay rent and half the utilities and (2) I would have to live with her ridiculous rules which would include not talking on the phone after a certain time, not sleeping over at my boyfriend's place, not having visitors after a certain time, waiting on her hand and foot... I know we would wind up killing eachother because she only sees me as her 'child', not as her adult daughter. She's a control freak but I was hoping your mother-in-law was more reasonable.
Sorry you took my advice the wrong way.
That said, if you're paying the same amount you would if you had your own apartment, why don't you just move and get her out of your hair once and for all?

ProudMommyof2008

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

i know you never said that, but i said what i did because of the fact that we are not just living with his parents, we are paying rent, providing our child and ourself with everything out of our own pocket, we pay bills, file taxes, pay car insurance etc.

these are the same things that we would be doing if we lived in a basement apartment or condo.
even if we werent doing those things i still feel that she has no right to tell me how to parent, regardless of whether or not its her house. Hes MY child.
if we did not have a child, and we were staying here for the time being, i would understand her with her rules.
but these are not rules that she is giving me. and just because this is her house does not mean she tells me how to parent.
why dont i just sign over all the rights to my child if i have to put up with that and turn a blind eye?
we pay $500 for rent i think thats like the amount for a basement apartment, and i am not raising my son in a basement apartment.
right now, we cannot afford to live on our own because i need to get a job. and right now with the echonomy, now is not the time to move.

i understand what your saying, but having rules, and parenting are two different things. my child is my responsibility, not hers. regardless of where we live.

deteragram

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Supporter

Either I'm not explaining myself very well or you're determined to be offended. I'll try it one last time: She SHOULD NOT be treating you this way. It's not her place or her right to tell you how to raise your child. But it's next to impossible to get people to change their behaviors in their own homes. People like her- and my mother- feel like a home is their realm where they and they alone rule; their word is law. I realize that rules and child rearing are not the same thing. However, it seems to me that the issue is one of power and control.
Now, since my posts only seem to be stressing you out further, I won't add anything else to this post.
Good luck.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on March 2nd, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

i understand what your saying.
i dont mean to sound defensive.
but it just seemed like you were saying, her house, her rules, deal with it.

your right, she is the type to try to control what is done, she does seem to only hear what she wants and says what she thinks is the way it should be.
ive always been raised and have heard my mother say, 'when your older and still living at home you will have to pay rent, and provide for yourself, and can do what you please but know you will be paying rent.'
im sure she'd give advice here and there if i lived with her, but nothing like my mother inlaw, and maybe im just used to how ive been brought up knowing.

sorry if i sounded offensive.

baramgaebe

replied on March 4th, 2009

New User

well it doesn't matter whether you live in her house or she in yours. as long as both live together, there will be clashes or power struggles. your MIL sounds like my MIL. my MIL lives with us. she depends on us financially. since she's home with us, we had her take care of our son when i was working full time. sometimes, i don't know who's the mother. she tells me what to do, how to raise my kids, she even tells me & my husband what not to wear, eat, do, etc. we fought several times. mostly she yells then runs out the door. i came to realized i can't change her or her change us. so we decided to get her an apartment. now, i have to go back to full-time to pay for her apartment and everything else. that's ok, since i'll get my sanity back. i'm sure it won't resolve the issue completely, but at least i don't have to deal with her on a daily basis.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on March 4th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

thats pretty much like my mother inlaw.
only she wont run out of the house, she'll say something to guilt trip us into thinking her way, but im not falling for it anymore. its quite childish i feel.
my boyfriends family is a very family orientated family, they do things all together and family comes in and out all the time. its nice to have family around, and new to me because my family really has never been this way, and i enjoy seeing all his family members. they all have accepted me and are very nice.
so sticking together as a family is something my boyfriend feels very strongly about. and he has told me before that if his mother starts to butt in when we discipline our son, he will definately not tolorate that, because we are the parents, we set the rules. the next thing you know im going to hear our son saying well grandma said its ok!!!
i right now have decided to take advice i ask for from her, and just nod but ignore the rest because she stresses me out sometimes and i cannot stand it.
i hope things will get better...however, my sister inlaw has said she has had quite a few fights with our mother inlaw too about disciplining her children...but my sister inlaw is also guilty of doing exactally what our mother inlaw is doing too.
i have it coming on both ends with them.
and it gets quite annoying.
its like, just because they have kids of their own and are experienced parents, they are right with everything. and the very fact that all children are different goes right over their head. and they completely ignore a different attempt of parenting, so pretty much i just listen to what i want to hear from both of them about parenting tips.

baramgaebe

replied on March 4th, 2009

New User

oh another note. it may create more problem if a husband/boyfriend take side on the wife/girlfriend. as long as he tells you he's on your side, and that no matter what happens he'll always love you, then it should work out. there was few incidents when my husband was trying to reason to my MIL, but the more he talked, the more she got angrier. if you ask your husband who would he save when his mom and you are drowning, and he can't save both, he won't answer.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on March 4th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

yeah thats true.
my boyfriend is not the type to stay quiet and just let things go on as they are.
he will say something always.
and he tries to reason with both of us.

obviously he does not 100% know how it feels to put up with this every day, but for the most part, he is understanding, and knows how his mother can be at times. so i know im not crazy thinking im the only one who sees this.

i know he has my back, and tries to make the peace between us.
i love my mother inlaw, i just wish she knew when to give advice, and when to let me learn things and parent the way i want to.

ServiceU

replied on May 27th, 2009

Supporter

it's different when you live with someone. my ex b/f mother is very possessive, she likes to control everything.

i think you and your b/f should get yall own apartment. you will be so happy if you did.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on May 27th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

we're trying to, right now with the economy and this recession, its hard to just make a move like this.
we want to be close to family because my willl babysit our son, i need a car of my own, i need to get back to work as well after my son turns a year old, we need more savings, alot more things have to be done before we move.
we would love to have our own freedom and live on our own, but right now it doesnt look like that will happen soon.
I am now taking bits and pieces of information as they come my way, and ignoring what i do not want to hear. He is my son, and yes they are doing us a big favor by letting us stay with them, we do pay them rent, but it is annoying to hear someone nag at how i parent.

Jessica_Jones

replied on May 28th, 2009

New User

Know what? I know this kind of setup because two among my siblings are with the same setup like you. And I know, even without them telling me, I know how hard it is for them to live with our parents. But as far as I know, me and my parents are making it easier for them to live with us as much as possible. What I can just tell you is that be patient. You and your family are the ones who are living with your parents. Of course, if it's hard for you, it will also be hard for them. Those parenting issues? That's just normal. Remember, your mother-in-law is the more experienced one. She's just concerned and she only wants you to know everything that she has done before because she already knew it all. You really need to listen. Put yourself in her shoes, I'm sure you will also do the same thing. Maybe it sounds demanding sometimes but believe me, your mother-in-law just wants what's good for you and your baby. Hope my message can help you view the lighter side of it Wink

ProudMommyof2008

replied on June 3rd, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

i really do not see experience or anything like that when she full out says i treat a dog better than my own child.
she said that once to me, when i had finished feeding, changing, playing with my son, and put him down to play with toys while i fixed myself some breakfast.
he was crying, i am letting him cry it out every now and then because he is getting very used to being held, and i cannot hold him 24/7 and do 3 things at once with a child in my arms.
I only have 2 hands.
She said when she is drinking her coffee she does not want to hear him cry. and i told her the same thing, he cannot be held all the time.
then she said what she said.
i do not see that as helpful advice, or experience.
I find that rude, obscene, innappropriate, offensive and disgusting. i was furious when she said that, and my boyfriend even said i did the right thing by letting him cry it out for a little. Not even 2 minutes have cried, and the doctors have said it is ok to let him cry it out for like 5 minutes or so.

I also do not think that just because someone is an experienced parent that their way is best.
There is more than one way to parent a child, every parenting style is different just like every child is different.
What works for some, may not work for all.
My mother inlaw is an old fashioned greek woman, she does not know it all, thinks her way is the only way, thinks a doctor that she goes to knows it all, when he got a family member of ours hooked on T3's and overdosed another family member of ours and he ended up dying. I dont take advice from doctors like that, or people like that.
I go to my doctor, ask him questions that i am concerned with.
And i do take advice from my mother inlaw, but i take what i ask from her, not her demanding 'do as i say' advice. I am open to advice, but i do not think that someone else has the right to do and say what she did.
My own mother even thought that was appauling.
Like i said, every parenting style is different as is every child. and just because someone has had children before me does not make them an expert.

LadyNotaDoormat

replied on October 29th, 2009

New User

I have many of the same issues with my SIL, mor than my MIL about being an expert child raiser because she has three and I have only one. My sil has been putting down my child rearing skills since the day I brought my daughter home, which is funny since I think all her kids are brats that don't mind.
I don't live with my SIl, so I usually just ignore her or stay away when possible.
The key thing to do is don't give them an inch or they will take a mile. I learned the hard way after my child was born and being so nervous that I let them in more than I should. Your in-laws may not be as manipulative as mine, but the idea is the same.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on November 6th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

My sister inlaw is the same too. If i had a quarter for how many times she has told me "my kids never cried as infants!" i would be rich! lol seriously.
I just shut out the nagging "advice" if you can even call it that.
I know my child best, i mean i better! He is 14 months old, which would mean i have had 14 months to know his whines, his needs and more!
It gets annoying at times, and somedays it seems worse that others, but like you said, if i let it get to me they will take over like a virus.

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