Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Trouble in Paradise... am I wrong to be jealous?

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Q: Trouble in Paradise... am I wrong to be jealous?

asked by: josieR on July 18th, 2009

Experienced User

My BF and I have been together for 6 months now. we met on a singles site and started chatting as friends. we started texting then calling and finally we met and I felt complete. through talking as friends first I feel like I got to know a lot he probably wouldn't have told a prospective gf... such as how his last relationship was, how he promised his ex he would be there for her forever, how he would protect her to the death and never leave her.... well, she left him for a guy who worked at a convenience store and lived in a trailer park and this has caused a lot of problems, resulting in counseling and medication... for the first month of our relationship she was almost daily sending him dirty pics and messages, he finally got the point across that neither was appreciated and then she continued messaging him as a friend...... a friend that has had one problem after another, such as car problems(my bf is a mechanic) first, she wanted him to help her find a decent used car, he asked me if it would be okay and when I replied 'no'(probably more along the lines of F*** NO!) he told her and she backed off....after that it was boy problems, why men are such a-holes and why they can't all be as great as he is and then, more recently, it was issues with her living arrangements, she was getting kicked out and needed a place to stay.... luckily he knew better and just said no instead of asking me.

well, this week her grandmother died.... I understand he was with her for 7 years and knew her family well etc. and i get that he wants to pay his respects but I am having major problems dealing with the fact that tomorrow, which is usually our day together, he will be with her instead of me. in fact, he was supposed to spend the night with me last night but since we've been fighting about her and more the past two days he canceled on me, which is really upsetting because he is agoraphobic and hasn't came to my place in months. so here i am, haven't seen him since monday morning and wont see him again till tuesday night and he'll be spending time with his ex for the wake tomorrow night and the funeral on monday. I feel like hes chosen her over me and its making me insane.

I've tried talking to him about it and his response is pretty much "hun relax" but I'm finding it difficult since this girl has tried everything to get him back. I understand that I'm the one with him now but we live and hour and a half apart and he hasn't seen her since she left him. I'm worried about her trying something and I'm worried about old feelings coming back when he sees her. I'm also upset that he'll be spending more time with her than me this weekend and I'm feeling like I'm a psycho gf because i want to spy on them, I want to make sure she doesn't set one foot in his house and I want to make sure she knows who shes messing with.

I have honestly never wanted to hurt/maim anyone as badly as I want to hurt/maim her and it isn't even entirely because of her trying to win him back, its because of all the problems shes caused him, and in turn myself. from what I understand the agoraphobia was nonexistent until she cheated on him and made him feel worthless, that all these problems him and I struggle to deal with are all her fault.

on the other hand I want to thank her for giving me the greatest guy I could ever hope to have...

honestly, I trust my bf, more than anyone. I just don't trust her and seeing all the s*** she has pulled unsuccessfully thus far, I don't think it is beneath her to try to use pity for her grandmother dying to her advantage.

I am just so emotionally unstable right now, afraid, worried, jealous, angry, depressed, disappointed.... idk what to do besides try to talk to him about it and the general tone i've gotten is that I'm being silly.

I told him today something has to change, that I can't deal with them texting on a daily basis(including while I'm there, when he thinks I'm asleep) and he told me to relax.... yes, I might be worried for nothing but theres also the chance that I'm not. am I wrong to feel this way? would anyone else feel differently in the same situation?

Replies(8)

kdlee

replied on July 19th, 2009

Supporter

Your singals are crossing--you say I trust him then you say that something has to change with their texting..

If he wants to be done with her he can simply block her calls and texts..If he does not know how to do this you can go to a telephone sales center or go online and look up type of cell he has to find out..

It does sound like she is trying to come between you two..Thing is, they did have 7 years..If he can't let go of all that; since there is no child involved you may be wasting your time..

josieR

replied on July 19th, 2009

Experienced User

I do trust him but I can only take so much of her trying everything to lure him away. and he doesn't see a problem with them going on as friends, so he wouldn't want to block her.

he said seeing her tonight and tomorrow is all about her seeing him better off without her.

rudderless

replied on July 19th, 2009

New User

Have you considered going with him? you would HAVE to control yourself and make nice but if this is really all about her seeing him better off why not go all the way and accompany?

I can understand where he is coming from. In his mind the relationship is done and he refuses to see her signals as efforts to start again. He thinks that because he feels it's over then well it's over for her too and thus you should not worry. If this is true then this isn't him trying to fool around it's him simply not recognizing the situation. I say this because well I've been the same way in the past! This has happened to me a few times, I simply miss signals or fail to see the problem when loved ones see all sorts of issues. It's possible that this is the same for him. Beating him up about it, arguing, and stressing him isn't helping. I'm NOT saying you aren't right or that you do not have a right to be upset just that if he is as blind as I often seem to be that pushing him won't help.

It is also possible that yeah he wants to see her. It is also possible that she will tempt him and she might even succeed. At that point you have to decide, do you wish to continue with someone who cannot move past someone who has abused their trust? She has had 7 years to learn what buttons to push, so far he seems to have resisted so perhaps he will weather this too? You trying to force his hand, push him to make a decision, isn't going to work out well. On the other hand his sneaking texts to her is also a bad idea. He needs to make a break but he needs to want to make that break too - you cannot force it or he will simply sneak around. Spying on him is a road to heartbreak - you either trust him or not. What's the worst that could happen - they have sex? Okay, so maybe they do and maybe afterwards he realizes it was a mistake and it never happens again - could you live with it? Would you want to know? If in the end he chooses you then I would let it go. The sad thing is I was in the exact same situation almost a year ago. She had a death in the family, he came over to help with the kids, he screwed her. She told me about it, I forgave her, we moved forward. In the end it failed, she went back but I couldn't stop her no matter how hard I tried. Doing dirty tricks, spying, getting angry - it wouldn't have helped. If the issues are THAT bad there's nothing you can do about it.

So I guess maybe try to relax some. Maybe offer to go with him. But stop with the pressure. Speak frankly with him, tell him he is hurting you and how but don't make ultimatums. If he wants you more than her he will try to change on his own then you can move forward, if he refuses to stop hurting you to keep his relationship with her then move on. Easier said than done but you have to take care of yourself - no one else does a better job of that.

Hope that wasn't too rambling, thinking deep thoughts of my own tonight Wink

josieR

replied on July 19th, 2009

Experienced User

I didn't spy, I was just saying it was really tempting to. I wanted to accompany him, he said no, thats why I am in one state tonight and he in another, he wouldn't even let me go after he went to the wake because we wouldn't have much time together and he thinks it would be worthless for me to drive an hour and a half to pretty much just sleep there when he has to go to the funeral in the AM.

I've pretty much kept the talking adult like, expressing my hurt and other feelings about this, like him spending our day with her.... but in an adult fashion, saying "this hurts me because..." sure, I told him something needs to change(about their speaking habits), I especially don't like them talking while I'm there and I especially don't like that I find him doing it in the middle of the night. I understand that she was someone he cared deeply for and those feelings just don't just vanish but I think its rude that he would do it while I'm in bed with him. whenever I ask he just says shes having a "crisis" and he needs to help her calm down... I don't think I'd mind if they talked just as friends(without her trying to get him back) once a week or so but from the way he texts her and she him it seems almost like he talks to her more than me.

it also doesn't help knowing that he refuses to trust me.
I cheated in my last relationship and he knows and he is expecting me to do it to him but even though I've tried to explain he doesn't understand, after the first year I didn't want to be in my last relationship which was verbally abusive and sometimes physical and that one night in probably my 3rd year of the relationship, I found the affection I hadn't had in a long time with a friend. I try to explain that I wont cheat on him, since i want to be with him and unlike my ex, he would be able to let me go if I tried breaking up with him, but he cant trust me, he's checked my cell to see who I'm talking to and about what and, big surprise, it was all either talking to him or about how great he is. of course, he still doesn't trust me and knowing that I've already done so much for him, that I'm willing to do so much more makes it hard because he won't even believe me when I say I miss him.

I'm also kinda upset that he went with her to a wake tonight when he has so much trouble leaving the house at all with me. its hard just to get him to pick up his meds at the pharmacy and he knows they'll make him feel better. I honestly don't mind having to drive so long to see him and then come back home the next morning and I think its okay sitting on the couch watching tv where he feels okay but we havent really gone anywhere in months, and I think I'd really like to, at least maybe out to lunch or something.... even just to a drive thru..... idk anymore, just trying to get through the issue of his ex first then his agoraphobia after(if there is an after)

rudderless

replied on July 20th, 2009

New User

Hrm, so you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, escaped it, and are now in a relationship where the person feels they must check your phone texts? And this person is also still spending time caring after another?

Please step back if you can and look at this objectively. The fact that he is obsessive enough that he must check your phone - while he uses his in the middle of the night to text a former lover - sends off HUGE red flags for me. For me phone texts and things like that are private, no one looks at them. If there's not enough trust there to believe I'm not doing things I shouldn't then it's not a worthwhile relationship. You cheated previously? So what. So have I and so have many others. That doesn't mean that it will happen in the future or that it's any of his business honestly. Let him judge you on your actions NOW - as you should be judging him. Do you think that he would be as accepting as you've been if you WERE texting a former lover or if you were going to go spend this much time out of town with them?

I believe you may find that this relationship is headed in the direction your former one may have. He is doing things he wouldn't likely allow you to do. He isn't trusting you but is expecting much trust FROM you. He is controlling in that he feels he must check up on you and he blames your former behavior with someone else rather than his insecurities. He acts like he doesn't believe he misses you which is also a sign of insecurity.

Perhaps you should consider letting him go. You sound like an intelligent woman capable of expressing her feelings and could surely find someone a bit more worthy if you tried. Tell this one that since he's apparently not so committed that you're going to become available. That should he manage to get past this other woman for good, and be a little more trusting, you'll reconsider him in the future. That's pretty hard to do, if someone had told me something similar a year ago I couldn't have done it and might not be able to do so now. But hindsight is 20:20 and advice like that would've helped me and I think you should at least consider it. You've already beaten the odds and escaped one abusive and likely controlling relationship - do you REALLY want to risk another? From the sounds of it he'd have you doing much for him - what is he doing for YOU?

josieR

replied on July 21st, 2009

Experienced User

hes noticed her flaws!!!!!!!

of course I'm excited about this since I've always seen her through a womans eyes and not a guy who was head over heels for the girl.

at her own grandmothers wake she was wearing a short skirt and a too small shirt that she kept falling out of.

she also kept making sexual comments to him.

at a wake for cryin out loud!

I am just overjoyed that he finally is viewing her for what she really is rather than his high school sweetheart that could do no wrong. he also said hes really finally over her and that he feels a lot better now. if we're lucky I'm hoping this will help with his anxiety, since now hes seeing her as the loser and not himself.

I'm also not really worried about him going through my phone since hes only done it once and I have nothing to hide anyways.

akasaturday

replied on October 17th, 2009

New User

i know what you're going through.
i can be like that too.
i have a trust issue with this guy i've been seeing and i do trust him but he just seems like a flirt.
not saying your boyfriend is a flirt or anything but
yea.
they might have had 7 years together but think of it this way..he left her right?if he had that courage to do so then he probably wont go back to her.
just talk it out and stay calm
as for the b****, id take her down Smile

josieR

replied on October 17th, 2009

Experienced User

this is old. he left me and is in the process of going back to her. thanks for trying to be positive though

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