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Q: trouble choosing

asked by: UncleWoe on June 19th, 2008

New User

I am 20 years old, in good physical health (As far as I know), but mentally, I dont know whats going on. I guess I should start from the beginning. (Prepare for a long story).

About 4 years ago, I met this girl, we hit it off, and all went really well, so we started dating. Problem was, she was in another state, so it was really inconvenient, as much as I loved her. While dating this girl, I met another. We hit it off so well, I broke up with my girl from the other state, and decided to be with this girl.

We would be dating for a while, and I never forgot about the one I had dumped, Not a day goes by that I dont think of her and wonder what if. Anyway I would start to nitpick every aspect of the current relationship, The way she doesnt want me to do certain things, for example, the way I shake my feet when im laying down, or how by no fault of my own, I make noises when I eat (I keep it in my mouth, but she has supersonic hearing or something, and it drives her nuts) just to name a couple. I see these issues, and sort of tally them in my head as a pro/con list, and decide whether or not im really happy. Eventually, I break up with her, thinking its the right thing, because I cant be with someone who drives me so bonkers. After a few months, I come crawling back, missing her to pieces, and shes so in love with me, she takes me back.

Now, this has happened SIX times. Not once or twice. But my story doesnt end there. This last time (In jan 08 ) I broke up with her, and got back together with the woman from across the way, whom I had dumped 4 years before. Apparently, she still loved me too. I was with her for a few months, very happy and content with my decisions, before I started nitpicking this girl too. Things that did not bother me initially, would start to, and just keep adding up... Then I started missing the girl back home again (right on cue), and I went home. Now, a couple months later, Im missing the girl from the other state, and feel like I should be with her again, after all the caca ive just put her through, I still love her.

I cant describe what goes on up here, but its the gods honest truth. I'm SO sure that the decisions I make are whats best for me and those around me, and I'm happy, for at least a little while.... Then the tiniest things pile up, and I see it as a pro/con list, and I know I shouldn't, but it effects me to the point where I cant take it anymore, and I have to do something about it. Then, once im at the other place for a while, I miss everything about the place before, and feel like I should be there...

I think the bottom line here, is that im not sure what to do with my life, my love, or anything. I feel like I haven't explained this well enough... But I hope someone here can help me in understanding why I cant make a solid decision. Im just not sure about anything anymore. Im in love with BOTH of these women, and Im starting to think some type of disorder is to blame. Some would call this life, but im running into a hard spot right now, and I'll come anywhere for some assistance... Please dont flame me off this site, I came here for help, and if this is in the wrong section, please move it so I can get some advice. I will be more than happy to provide any additional details, just ask. Like I said, I feel there is too much to just type in one sitting. Thank you in advance for any help you can provide.

P.S. I apologize if any words ive typed are offensive, apparently your censors detect something, of which I do not see.... Perhaps I'll see it once its posted. Apologies.

Replies(10)

antigone

replied on June 20th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Do you have this problem in any other areas of your life? Do you have repeated thoughts about something and just can't let it go?

Some of what you wrote seems to be a bit like obsessive/compulsive disorder. You can go to a psychiatrist and have an evaluation done that will reveal any underlying mental health issue.

I know this is not much help. If you care to describe more of what you are experiencing I may be able to suggest something more.

UncleWoe

replied on June 20th, 2008

New User

As far as other aspects of my life, I dont really have much going for me... I cant get a good job, because I refuse to work at a place I wont enjoy, and all the jobs are fast food and whatnot. Other people settle for the sake of getting money, but I dont see it that way.

And yes, Apparently, I cant let it go. From when I awake in the morning, to when I fall asleep at night, these thoughts of me being in the other situation eat me alive. It consumes me. I hardly get a thought to myself. As im writing this to you now, its all I can think about, I have to watch a movie or play a game to get my mind of things, and that almost never works ( I couldnt really enjoy Kung Fu Panda the other day). I should also note that the stress this puts on me is almost unbearable, and the fact that I dont know what to do about it just makes it worse. I generally dont feel anything physically wrong (stomach ache etc) but I did have a pretty bad headache last night, and those come and go.

I dont want to keep bouncing around life, back and forth. Because I know its not going to stop. Unless its a miracle. I would absolutely love to see a psychiatrist, but I have no health insurance, and no job.. so im pretty screwed. (Unless you know something I dont.)

Thanks again for your help.

GiRo

replied on June 21st, 2008

Experienced User

Well, I'm not a specialist, far from that, just an adolescent...

I read your story, but, I understand the girl more actually in the situation you explained. It's very annoying to hear someone chew their food, even if they have their mouth closed, some people have the sound come through the nose.

Anyhow.. that's not really helping..
Okay here it goes!

All these little problems, you run away from it.
But the point is, everywhere you go you find problems.
At every girl you meet, so what you have to do is, SOLVE THEM!
Tell your GF/ex-GF to buy earpluggers.
When you eat she puts in the plugger and she can't hear your chewing ^^
Or tell her to listen to her i-pod.
It's her problem not yours.
Now the footshaking you can help,
just put both your feet on the ground,
that way they don't automaticly wiggle again.

All these little things, you can solve them!
I have faith in you, I know you can do it!

About the job, you're absolutely right.
You should do a job you enjoy doing.
So, how about telling us what you see as a fun job?

Your future is in your own hands,
sometimes you need help of others of course,
but it's YOU that askes for help,
so eventually it's in your hands Very Happy

I hope I helped you out a little!

UncleWoe

replied on June 21st, 2008

New User

I think you're kind of missing the point here. Its not that I haven't already solved the little problems, or that I don't want to, but the fact that these little problems arise in the first place, make me think that the relationship isnt what I once thought. I dont mind that they happen, but im the kind of guy who believes that you should be able to live with your significant others flaws. That you shouldn't have to change much (if at all) for someone you love.

Again, thats just one aspect. Those KINDS of things are what add up my list of pro/cons and make me do things I eventually regret.

A wise friend once told me:

"The grass only seems greener on the other side."

To which I responded:

"But what if you forgot which side you started on?"

GiRo

replied on June 21st, 2008

Experienced User

Okay..
So you solved the little problems.
The problem is that they made you think the relationship isn't what you expected it to be.

You're right on believing you should be able to live with your significant others flaws.
But you said you solved the flaws, so if you're in a relationship and you solve the flaws, the relationship is good and flawless. In this case there shouldn't be a reason for you to urge for a better partner.

If you forget what side you were on I would say a brand new start, but in your case I think that's not wise. It seems you bonded with these 2 girls so much that you feel a lot of love for them, you just can't choose.
You can't tell who is a better partner for you.

There's always a relationship therapist who can help with relationship problems.

I would suggest a threesome, but the chance your girls are bi is small.

luvumason

replied on June 21st, 2008

New User

Well, I have been living with the same man for four years and I can tell you that it gets very hard! You have to try and work through your problems and another thing that helped me alot was finding God. We started going to church together every Sunday as a family and I pray for God to make our relationship strong. You just have to pick one because, what's going to happen if you don't is...your heart is going to get broken the same way that you have broken there's. my husband and I hade issues like this. I found out he was trying to get intouch with his ex not too long ago and it really hurt me so, I can't imagine what both of those girls feel like. It's hard to find trust again after that ya know. If you don't choose though, your going to be the one that's left and you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I guess what I am saying is...ask God to help you choose and listen to what your heart is telling you. As for the girl you don't choose...lose her number and change your's so this doesn't happen anymore. If you truly love these women you will do the right thing and stop hurting them and yourself and let one go.

UncleWoe

replied on June 22nd, 2008

New User

Thanks for your input and words of wisdom guys, but I didnt necessarily come here for relationship advice, I came here looking for a reason that I feel the way that I do, and do the things I end up doing. My problem, is that I KNOW once I make a decision, im going to end up regretting it, and wishing I had gone the other way. Ive come to accept this in my own mind, but its not that easy to accept if youre anyone other than me.

Thank you for suggesting I find God, but no thanks. I just dont swing that way. Never have, never will. I have my own reasons for it, none of which I plan on imposing on anyone.

I know if I dont make a decision its going to haunt me. But without an explanation, or at least a GOOD theory that I can soundly accept about my mentality in this situation, what good will it do me?

worrywart01

replied on June 22nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I think you need to maybe take a break on relationships and figure yourself out..what makes you happy, jumping back and forth in between these two girls is causing nothing but heart ache and confusion..take a break, clear your head a bit and focus on yourself
as someone else said..you cant really pick out so many flaws..everyone has flaws and if you're really in love you'll love the person for their flaws not because of them

antigone

replied on June 22nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

My impression is that you may have some OCD going on. It is the repetitive thoughts that bring me to that conclusion. You can check with the county you live in to find some mental health clinics that are very low cost or free - fee by sliding scale according to what your income is.

I have no answers for you. I wish I knew where people could go to get help they so desperately need.

Finding a job that you love is important. Having some health insurance is, also, important. Is it possible to find a job that could offer both and allow you to get some help?

GiRo

replied on June 22nd, 2008

Experienced User

>My problem, is that I KNOW once I make a decision, im going to end up regretting it, and wishing I had gone the other way.

Why? Because of the little flaws you meet in every decision you make?

(most times if there's a 'why' there's a solution)

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