Hi, my name is Tom. In an attempt to try and get to grips with my mental well being i'm going to open up to this community, as I am too cowardly too open up to anyone in real life.
I am 20 years old and am currently studying a degree in aeronautical engineering at a good university in the north of England. . I come from a loving, supportive family and have never really been bullied to any extent. I dont perticulary hate my appearence, people have even said I was goodlooking, although when im down I sometimes pick my appearence as a reason for self hate.
I had one bad relationship when I was 14, (cheated on but i kept on going back to her) but I havd been with my current girlfriend for over 3 years and we are very happy together. I grew up all over the world due my father untill the age of 12 when my parents thought it best for me and my sister to attend high school in the uk. There i made many friends ( a few of which im still close with) and scored great grades at GCSE, I stayed on and did A levels too. These didnt go so well, I found myself to be incredibly unmotivated and as soon as I could drive I would simply go home rather than stay in lessons. In the end I had to re-do my final year there to attempt to scrape my way into uni, and so I did, allbeit with the same 'that'll do' attitude. Now im at uni I have made a good few friends and generally have a good time, we go out, drink and smoke a lot of cannabis but not at the same time, hell I even grew 3 of my own plants in my wardrobe! Despite me trying to turn over a new leaf, my old ways have crept back upon me and I have missed about 4 weeks of lectures now.
Onto the reason why im here. When I was in the afformentioned bad relationship, (age 14-16)I would get incredibly depressed around 'incidents' and I have a forearm full of scars to prove it, at this point I dont think I was thinking of suicide, rather just punishing myself as that is who I blamed. After this I dont recall having any problems. I then met my current girlfriend, about six months in she began to text flirt with another guy and I began to cut again rather than deal with it after she found out (about 2 months in)she begged me too stop and insisted they were only friends, and I believed her. She is still friends with that guy and once I relaxed things were fine and I havent cut since, other than when I failed my A levels and had to resit. I guess I realised that it was just a pathetic cry for help and didnt solve anything.
However I would prefer cutting to whats going on in my head now. I have always had random depressive mood swings lasting a matter of hours, sometimes resulting in cutting, but recently instead of cutting I have been contemplating suicide more so than ever before. When I get a swing I think about jumping infront of a bus, or infront a train If im out. Its occurring almost daily and im terrified that one day I may actually do it. When im
Around friends, im happy but it hardly takes anything to set me off and its hard to get out of a swing when it happens. Sometimes I even feel that its all put on, and that it is nothing more than me feeling sorry for myself and am craving the pity of others. Why can I get this sad all the time, when im just a middle class white boy whos been given every opportunity and has no reason to be.
I dont think I want to die, but I dont want to live like this.
Once we have been rejected we expect it and it plays on our mind until we develop it into reality. And p-lease don't say you are not having such issues with her You restarted cutting because of her did you not (jealousy)? So, believe me, it's in there looking for clues, all the time. Betrayal and abandonement run deep my friend.
If you have no concerns at all about this then why are you having these thoughts?
Of course they are not unjustified.
Such thoughts come from your own thoughts trying to find a solution to something that worries you greatly and you don't have the life expereince for your mind to see any way of stooping the thoughts but the end.
Once you can understand this properly, that thoughts are just that, thoughts then your fears you may carry it out will dissipate.
Read and studt CBT Google it. Can be done by self help or with a therapist. I prefer self help as therapists all have their own little sooapboxes on top of everything else.
Are you fully aware of events up to the age of 5? That is when we learn the most about how to deal with life and copy our parents. It's hard wiring really, tough to even know what it was or if it was well intentioned (usually is) or not.
Many of our isues emanate from that time and we cannot fnd out as no one talks about such things. I would not ask your parents as they are totally biased and did what they thought was right. Rather, older siblings, aunts, uncles and family friends who knew you at that age and below.
On another tangent, nothing to indicate this but are you adopted by any chance? You've said nothing to indicate this, I'm jut asking questions for you to think about.
Hi there, no I am not adopted. Im not having any issues at all with my girlfriend at the moment, nothing to even make me the slightest bit suspiscious or concerned. Hmm, I was born In saudi arabia as my parents were working there at the time, as was my younger sister a year later. My younger sister became very ill so we returned to the uk so she could get proper medical care I was aged 2 and dont remember anything. All i remember from my brief spell in the uk was my two older step sisters fighting almost constantly, but idependently they were both very nice to me and always have been. We then moved to Ukraine aged 5 with one of my older step sisters, the other was at university at the time so stayed in the uk. I didnt have many friends in ukraine as my dad was the headteacher of the school I went too and my behaviour was terrible, I was loud and out of control. I evdn pushed a piano down the stairs aged 7/8 and I struggled to concentrate. Im not sure what happened but my Behaviour Has radically changed since then and i've become a very quiet and shy adult, I guess I got all of the crazy out of my system.
Step sisters. So your parenting did change. You say you got all the crazy out of you back then. Clearly not, as your current thoughts shout loud and clear there is a problem, and it feels a bit like the step parent and divorce or whatever caused that change is indeed the genesis of your problem.
A child pushing a piano down a set of stairs is an act of extreme anger and that does not go away.
I too was very active and wild until depression set in, aged 10. From then I became quiet, shy, even timid until I was 35 and had a marriage break up. SInce then the rage has been on top and I have had to not visit certain cities as what I may do upon meeting certain people scares me.
Not scared of anything, except my own reactions which I know can take over if provoked. I can't stop it once it starts.It's valium and lots pf sleep to recovery "calm".
See that therapist and do it now mate. Get this stuff out of yur head and onto the table between you and the therapist. Then you should see why, when and how, maybe.
I'm a betting man and I put my money on the change in parenting and the moving around. Adding two new sort of siblings is very unsettling.