I think it is great that you have researched this, it shows that you obviously do care very much for this girl. I think it is important that the two of you sit down and have an indepth discussion about what you both think this means to your relationship. Every relationship has problems, this is just an extra one. If you are open and honest about your fears and expextations, you have a better chance of making things work.

Does your girlfriend see a psychiatrist? Is she on medication? Is her family aware of her mental health state? Do any of her family or friends live near by, for a support system? Do you know them? Is she in a stabile mental state now? Or is she acting wildly, spending excessively and/or partying too much?

These are just a few questions that can help us, help you.


Good luck

mia

Thanks for the reply. To answer a few of your questions, yes she on is on medication, she does see a psychiatrist. Her family is aware of her mental state. Both of her brothers live nearby and her parents live about 15 minutes away. I don't know any of the family members yet, and I am not really pushing it. She has a terrible relationship with her mother, but is very close to her brothers. Her dad died about 8 years ago, and her mom has since remarried. The person she is closest to is her grandfather, and I am scared to see what it will be like when he passes on.

She has been partying wildly for the past year or so, she had a really bad breakup with a past boyfriend. She has mentioned that she would really like to calm down though. I think she has always spent money wildly, mostly because of her father's death. Her parents are pretty well off, and I think they give her money as an attempt to calm her down.

I took her to meet my parents 3 weeks ago. She absolutely loved it, and constantly mentions going back. They live about 3 hours away, so I don't hesitate to take her back. After one weekend, I think she has a better relationship with my parents than that of her own parents. Of course, I must say my parents are very loving and understanding people.

That's about where we are at right now. Tuesday is her birthday, so I am going to try to make it a special one for her. Unfortunately, she works part time for her mother, and her mother is making her work tuesday night. (that gives you an idea of their relationship.)

i appreciate the response and any help that you might offer.

Big spending and wild partying are not only symptoms of bi-polar, but the partying is only going to make matters worse. Excessive alcohol consumption fuels bi-polar manic and depressive states. Not getting enough sleep also makes it worse. If you see her being a part of your life in the future, you need to talk about it. She may seem ok now, but the big problems might be just around the corner. Her medication might not be working.

I'm very glad she got on with your family, it sounds like she needs some nice people to be around.

Good luck with everything

mia

I actually would like your insight. I have been dating someone with bipolar disease. He seems to have a lot of anguish, but i, although I have looked into this illness and all that it entails, do not know how to be there for him. He is an amazing person, and has always been there for me when I needed him, and vice versa. He still seems distant. Maybe he is afraid that I wont know how to handle this aspect of his life. So i'm looking to you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Once again thanks for the response and advice. I think the hardest thing for me is how do I be there for her in times of trouble? Just yesterday, she was released from her job. We talked about it quite a bit, and I told her it wasn't her fault (and it wasn't). I thought she was feeling better. Then she proceeded to go out and drink last night.

There are times when I start to wonder if it is all worth it. I am only a month in, but it sometimes seems like longer. She constantly tells me how good I am for her, but then goes out and gets drunk. It's just frustrating sometimes. I try to be there for her as much as possible, it just seems like it isn't enough. I'll take it day by day, that's about all I can do. I do need to see what the future holds though. She does need to get away from her friends. I don't think they realize that they are part of the problem.

Being from someone who is bipolar, I understand it is hard. It worries me that she is drinking, especially with her medication. This is perhaps and issue that you need to raise with her but might I suggest figuring out how she best deals with things? Like I do not tolerate my mother well at all and can not stand being lectured my her. Now if my friends sit me down in a group there is a chance I just might listen. But you should not do anything over the phone or aim. Or maybe you are not the one she should be talking to, maybe her psychiatrist, or a different friend that she trusts with this type of thing more. I honestly trust my friend who is clinically depressed and do not feel like she is out to get me when they all bring issues up to me. However sometimes in another group of friends all it takes is for them to calmly say "becca calm it a bit" and I try my best to calm down. They understand that this is nothing I have somplete comtrol over, but I can try. As for relationships, right now I am taking time off from them to better myself and my conditions. So I do not know what to tell you there.

I've really tried to figure out how she deals with things. She basically just goes quiet, won't answer her phone, and shuts herself off from the world. She won't accept any help from people.
It's amazing, because she cannot tolerate her mother at all. She says her mom would be better off dead. Yet, she still works for her at night, and went shopping with her this past saturday.

I don't quite know what to do. I have no clue where I am at in the relationship, and it changes daily. I am about ready to just give up on everything. The problem is, i've seen her happy with me, she used to say it all the time when we first started dating. She still goes out and drinks, like saturday night. We had an argument thursday morning, well she did the arguing, I was just on the other end of the phone. I went to my parents for vacation for a couple of days. By thursday night, she said she missed me and wanted to see me. It is so freaking frustrating that I don't think it is worth it for me any more.

It might have to lead to a breakup. She actually might get better getting intouch with herself and her disease. But I would severely try to remain friends because this could also lead to a severe bout of depression. You I think are important to her but maybe she is not ready to be in a relationship just yet.

I think she was just to the point where she felt comfortable dating again. Then her ex boyfriend started calling her and sending text messages over the phone to her. He knows he has complete mental control over her. He was very abusive and very controlling over her and the things she did. She has now kind of gone back into her shell.

I just put it on the line with her. I let her know that she doesn't need to be scared any more if she is with me. It's to the point now where I need to look after myself and my feelings. I still want to be there for her though.

I'm glad you finally mentioned yourself in this whole dialoge. You keep saying how you want to make her happy and be there for her. Well, I haven't heard you say what would make you happy. If it is to have her in your life, then be upfront and honest. You don't have to use ultamatums, but you can set some ground rules. Participating in dangerous behavior is part of bi-polar. Talking to her ex is dangerous behavior. Drinking with her meds, is dangerous.

Decide what is right for you, set up some guidelines, and she can play by the rules or not. You (she) have to be an active participant in your own recovery, if you don't care, why should anyone else.

Good luck,

mia

I married a bi-polar, she died in december, we had been married for 19 years.

I met her during a very manic phase, she was a ball of energy, professed how much she loved me, moved in with shortly afterwards, her dark side began peeking through and before I could extricate myself she got pregnant and we got married.

We had two children, boys 18 and 15 and a stepson that is 24.

Had I had it to do all over again, I would never involve myself with that mental torture again.

Remember the old nursery rhyme, when she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid. In our time together, the horrid outweighed the good.

Prepare yourself for maniacal tyrades, obsessive spending, alcoholic binge drinking, drug use, lies, thefts, outrageous misbehavior, complete alienation from old friends and family, and unpleasant words and scenes that would defy explanation.

My wife was finally diagnosed after she went into a severe postpartum depression and almost killed herself following the birth of my 15 year old. In the course of our marriage, she was hospitalized about 15 times, her disease got worse as she got older.

Wife was an epileptic, and had real bad migraines in addition to her bipolar disease. When she died she was taking over 20 different medicines, she shopped doctors to get the meds she wanted like she shopped for shoes, I feel that something in the mix that she was taking killed her, am sure that her death was not deliberate, just a terrible accident.

I find myself now to be the provider and nurturer of 3 boys and a granddaughter, instead of enjoying a retired life with someone that I had been married to for years I see a life of loneliness ahead instead.

I read your story and I see much of myself in you, it's tough to leave someone that you obviously feel much for, with the benefit of hindsight I see what I mistake I made hooking up with the lady, should you stick with her be assured of many years of pain.

Wow I wish that would have been posted about two months ago!!! It is utterly amazing what you had to go through, and what I am in the process of going through. How she said she loved me, all energetic, stayed at my house all of the time. She didn't call me for three weeks, and I thought it was over. Then she said she was pregnant with twins. She had told me she was on birth control, but I think she lied. So, unfortunately, and I am ashamed to say, she aborted them. I had no say in the matter of course, but am having to pay for the procedure. Money in which I believe she went on a little shopping spree with. She is still off of her medications as a result of the termination, so it's even worse.

Mental torture is exactly what I am going through right now. She never wants to do anything with me, and she gets upset with me if I bring it up. Everything is on her terms. She mistakes me wanting to see her for insecurity.

I had been comtemplating ending the whole thing about about a month ago when the pregnancy issue came up. Through that process, we became pretty close. Just this past week, she became upset with me again. I brought up the fact that I had only seen her for half an hour out of a whole week. She once again accused me of insecurity. That was last thursday, and I have spoken to her since. It's been kind of the final straw for me. I've only been through 2 months of this, I don't know how you did it for 19 years. Sometimes I think I am starting to become half crazy myself.

So we'll see how it goes. I just have to get it over with, and not let my feelings get in the way, which is very difficult. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I am sorry you had to go through life living what I am living now. You are definitely a saint because no man should ever have to go through this. I know in due time, the decision I am making will be the right one, and with the help you have given me, it will make it that much easier.

I can't thank you enough.

It's tough to leave someone that you have feelings for, I know my mother used to say that if she's this crazy now imagine what it will be like if you marry her, should have listened to mom.

The issue of her pregnancy and then her aborting your children without allowing you any say in the matter should really get your attention. How can you allow your rights to be trampled, your children be killed and still want to have anything to do with the wench. Something like that regardless of your feelings about abortion should be discussed beforehand, the fact that she would kill your babies without your having any say in the matter should speak volumes.

Your relationship with this woman is like a plane that's been hit by anti-aircraft fire, it's on fire and beginning to spin out of control towards the ground and certain death for you, get your parachute on and bail out before it is too late, be prepared to have to withstand lots of tears, telephone calls and harassment, eventually it will end but that torture is nothing to what you will have to experience if you stay.

The whole pregnancy thing has been bugging me still. I failed to mention that she wasn't even going to tell me about it. She was just going to have the abortion, and then move on. Now, she expects me to pay for it because I am responsible for her constantly vomiting and feeling sick as a result of the pregnancy.

I don't know why I haven't just left her a long time ago. I guess when you think you are in love, you try to stick it out. I've had friends and family say the same thing you are right now, get out. It's not worth it. Now that I have firsthand experiences, it's a no brainer.

Today it is official. Thanks for the help!! You might have just saved my life.

She won't answer my phone calls, so I have sent her an email ending the whole thing. My question is now, what should I expect from her? I have a feeling that it's not going to be that big of a deal because she is mad at me anyway.

I haven't got a response back from her yet, so I need to kind of prepare myself. If she insults me or anything, well, that won't bother me because that's all she's been doing since she's been off her medication.

Any thoughts?

She won't let you off that easy, it might not be a day, a week could be a couple of months, betcher ass though she'll be back, begging and pleading, asking for just one more chance, being a nice guy you'll start having doubts, she'll drag the whole abortion thing up and throw it in your face, try and make you feel really guilty, next thing you know you'll be wrapped back up in her silliness, be strong, and be prepared for the full court press by her.

My biggest worry at the moment is me and how i'm going to react to her. I have a tendency to get a little attached, even in bad situations as this. I had figured on her trying to be a lot more touchy feely and sexual. Fortunately, she's not supposed to have sex for a few weeks because of the abortion, so i'll be able to dodge that. She's a smart gal, and she's knows what men like, i'll give her that.

I've been through the making me feel guilty part already. She used that to get me to pay fo the termination. I also assumed i'd hear the "i can change" lines or things will get better. She told me that she never really gets attached until about 6 months.

Fortunately spring is here, and i'll be out of town on weekends and will be busy doing things on weeknights, so i'll keep myself occupied. I'll be prepared for her onslaught of promises and lines.

Thanks

Good riddance to bad rubbish. I'm not sure everything she has done is strictly bi-polar, but definetly manipulation. As for you being repsonsible for her pregnancy and throwing up, last time I checked it takes two to tango! Therefore, you are only 50% responsible for anything.

I think now is a good time to take up a hobby and not be home too much so you don't accidentally get sucked back in.

Good luck

mia

I haven't heard from her yet. I don't know what her reaction is going to be. She is a very smart girl, and she knows how to manipulate her condition. She blames a lot of her recent behavior on not taking her medication because of the pregnancy. The thing is, I haven't seen a drastic change in her behavior since she has been off her medication.

During the spring and summer I am gone most of the time on weekends, and am planning to occupy my evenings with things. I don't think i'll be running into her very much. I just hope she doesn't do anything drastic to herself or me.