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Domestic Violence

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kaerbear Most Diplomatic Poster
July 5th, 2007
i don't know where to post this. it's keeping me up tonight because i was thinking of women who are abused by their partners and feel like they have no way out of it. it seems simpler when you're on the outside of it but even then it's hard to know what to tell someone when they tell you they are being abused. my cousin for example tells me vague things about her husband and the way he talks to her. my sister is convinced he is abusing her but my cousin won't say for sure what's going on in her home. it's like she wants to talk about it but she knows what we will tell her, to get out, but she is dependant on him financially and i don't think she believes that there is any other way to live. when i start asking her direct questions about it she clams up and gets all defensive about it. on the one hand i tell her that if he is hurting her she needs to get away from him but at the same time i'm afraid she will stop talking to me and not have anyone to call if she needs help. she lives 4 hours away from me but i've made the 8 hour trip to pick her up more than once when she felt like she had to get away for a while.

my mom got out of an abusive relationship when i was 3 only to end up in another one when i was a little older. it's so damaging to kids to be in that environment, i know this from firsthand experience. what advice can you give to women who are in an abusive situation?? does anyone else have any experience with this?
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mrsbuzski
replied July 5th, 2007
Experienced User
Facts
If in fact there is abuse; your cousin knows there is a "safe haven" with you.

That, might be all you can do for now. Besides prayer that is.

Don't assume though. Just because a person appears to be unhappy or may have a "dooms day" attitude spouse doesn't mean they are getting abused physically or mentally. Or.... also, sometimes, people have the, "poor me" attitude going.

If you know for a fact that something not right is going on, then.....I totally agree, if in doubt, check it out!

Good for you!
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Mommy35
replied July 5th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
It is a lot easier for someone who has not been the victim of domestic violence to say, "well get out", ".I would never stay with someone who didn't treat me right". Part of the abuse starts with the abuser telling their victim how useless they are and how they could never live without them. They threaten them with harming them, their children, their family, etc. They may also say things like, "if you leave me, .I'll call your job and tell them that you______" Then there is the feeling of isolation, it isn't easy to tell someone, even a professional or someone trained in domestic violence about the abuse. People judge, they say they don't, but they do.

Where .I live if you are involved in domestic violence and you are given the opportunity to leave through protection orders, or if an agency who deals with that type of abuse offers to help and you stay, and you continue to have issues associated with the abuse and have children in the home the state will come in and take your children.

Just a couple of months ago about 20 miles from my house, a lady had a fight with her abusive boyfriend, who had a host of other mental issues, she sent her 13 year old to a neighbors house to get help or to just get him out of the house for awhile. The boyfriend shot the boy when he was walking across the field.
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Jude-Love
replied July 5th, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
I had the same experience as you. My dad was terribly, terribly abusive for years. My mother finally left him and he got better. Now, he never passes up a chance to express his disgust with those who verbally and physically abuse their partners.

My advice would be to get out, of course, but I know it isn't that easy when you're financially dependent on someone. If it were me, I'd find some way to make money. And if this woman has internet access, maybe she could think about taking some online courses, to get a degree? I'd seriously not say a word and slowly and methodically work myself up to independence. Save every penny I make, on the sly, and then one day when I would have enough to get out, I'd get out.
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young Girl
replied July 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
easier said than done
and most people never listen to any advice others give them
point blank when youre in a situation like taht no one can help you or tell you what to do
the person has to get out when they are ready and when enough is enogh

hope this helps
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