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Suggestions For Restarting Sex Life

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June 30th, 2007
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and have generally had sex 2 or more times a week until the last year, when due to some depression issues I lost my sex drive. We have not had sex in over a year.

I have usually been the one to initiate sex. While this always seemed OK, I did notice on some occasions that she seemed less than enthusiastic about it, but I didn't want to make any waves and we went ahead. Then one night when I started things as usual, she got mad and said "when I go to bed at night, I want to read my book and go to sleep". Then I thought back to all the times she seemed not so enthusiastic, and realized that she had been reading those times, too. It made me feel terrible, like I had been really selfish, pushy and oblivious to what she was doing.

Some time after this, my wife started getting menopause symptoms, including vaginal dryness. Despite using lubricants, she had discomfort during sex, which again made me feel selfish, like I'm the only one who actually enjoyed it. It totally killed my ability to perform.

When we had a death in the family, I got depressed and started dwelling on these things, and little by little got myself so psyched out making myself feel like I shouldn't be pushing for sex, that I just stopped trying. My wife tried starting things a few times, but I didn't really respond, mostly because I knew we didn't have enough lubricant on hand, and if I said so it might make her feel like I was blaming her. She hadn't bought more, which I figured (due to the depression) was because she didn't want to have sex.

I'm pretty much over the depression issue with some good counseling and actually am getting my sex drive back.

But she hasn't tried starting sex lately, and I'm worried to because she has said on at least two occasions that not having sex for so long has thinned out her vaginal tissues and it will make things even more difficult for her.

So now I have no idea how to move forward -- I'm worried about the discomfort factor for her and know it will be very guilt-inducing for me if we do try and she has the kind of discomfort I'm worried about.

I'd appreciate any suggestions, especially from women who are post-menopausal.
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meblonde01
replied July 1st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Re: Suggestions For Restarting Sex Life
Macore wrote:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and have generally had sex 2 or more times a week until the last year, when due to some depression issues I lost my sex drive. We have not had sex in over a year.

I have usually been the one to initiate sex. While this always seemed OK, I did notice on some occasions that she seemed less than enthusiastic about it, but I didn't want to make any waves and we went ahead. Then one night when I started things as usual, she got mad and said "when I go to bed at night, I want to read my book and go to sleep". Then I thought back to all the times she seemed not so enthusiastic, and realized that she had been reading those times, too. It made me feel terrible, like I had been really selfish, pushy and oblivious to what she was doing.

Some time after this, my wife started getting menopause symptoms, including vaginal dryness. Despite using lubricants, she had discomfort during sex, which again made me feel selfish, like I'm the only one who actually enjoyed it. It totally killed my ability to perform.

When we had a death in the family, I got depressed and started dwelling on these things, and little by little got myself so psyched out making myself feel like I shouldn't be pushing for sex, that I just stopped trying. My wife tried starting things a few times, but I didn't really respond, mostly because I knew we didn't have enough lubricant on hand, and if I said so it might make her feel like I was blaming her. She hadn't bought more, which I figured (due to the depression) was because she didn't want to have sex.

I'm pretty much over the depression issue with some good counseling and actually am getting my sex drive back.

But she hasn't tried starting sex lately, and I'm worried to because she has said on at least two occasions that not having sex for so long has thinned out her vaginal tissues and it will make things even more difficult for her.

So now I have no idea how to move forward -- I'm worried about the discomfort factor for her and know it will be very guilt-inducing for me if we do try and she has the kind of discomfort I'm worried about.

I'd appreciate any suggestions, especially from women who are post-menopausal.


talk to her just like you are in here.. Tell her you love her and do not want to be selfish but you want to make love to her again like you use to. Ask her what she needs from you for that to become possible. Just be honest
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womaninpain
replied July 13th, 2007
Experienced User
I agree that you should tell her all of this...she needs to know because I think that if she does know how you really feel about it all things will change immensly. I think that she would really appreciate your consideration of her as well. Also...have you ever tried initiating sex at other times not just when laying in bed at night when she is reading? Like say when she is watching tv, or going to take a shower, or early morning, or something like this...maybe for her at that time sex is not on her mind and she is just not into it. Also the spontinaity might spark something as well...we women we eat that stuff up...makes us feel wonderful when you guys look at us when we are cooking dinner and want us.
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postmenopausal
replied March 7th, 2009
Re: Suggestions For Restarting Sex Life
You should gently suggest that she visit her doctor for some oestrogen cream which will alleviate the dryness. Also just go for cuddles, rather than sex, until she feels more confident again.
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