i wrote this better but when i hit submit it went to login screen it got lost...its a bit quicker written

so basically the low down of myself is that im 19, just quit my job and have been isolating myself for the 8 months or so. I avoided my close friends/family to the point where they got the picture and left me alone. ive always been a little shy but i would try to work with what i had, and had a good optimistic view on life.
...but lately i dont know who i am anymore. I talk to myself frequently now, inside my head and outside. Sometimes it gets so bad ill pace my house or just stare in the mirror talking to myself about stuff with no importance. But its usually on self improvement or judgemental remarks regarding me or situations i could have played out better. my speech has gotten pretty bad, maybe its just the lack of socializing in the past months, but the thing is i have gotten scared TO socialize now. I cant find any meaning to anything, it seems like every experiance to feeling, seeing,smelling,tasting,touching,hearing,a nd talking has no importance.
I guess deep down im looking for something, something that will give me meaning to this place and how i can deal with it head on. But the past few days ive been getting really scared. scared to the point of semi tears. Im scared because i am getting infatuated with experiancing death. the thought of something better being on the other side makes me TRULY smile. i mean what if were waisting time and theres something really good on the other side. the point is i canot live anymore, i cannot think, read, type or anything! i think im SZ, only thing that makes sense when read. i guess ineed help, probably some good advice would be good too. cause im starting to head down a road that i might regret (but you couldn't)