Hi everyone,

well here I am wondering who or what can help me.
But here is a breakdown of why I am here - I have tried (unsuccessfully) to make it as short as pos but got carried away.

I am 49, happily married with a lovely well balanced daughter who becomes a teenager shortly. I have no financial probs (yet), new car on the drive and mortgage paid. Sounds like I shouldn’t have a problem in the world right ?
But... I have now been off work some 3 months with depression, which was triggered by stress at work (call centre).
I have suffered severe depression on and off for some 25 years now.
So I have history. I suffer this ‘illness’ about every couple of years and thinking back the longest period has been 3 months. Each time I have managed to ‘bounce back’ and it is often without the use of any drugs. Right now I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and I have dug a hole that I just can’t seem to find a way to climb out of.
It is probable that my problems are linked to my mother committing suicide when I was 16 and thereafter blaming my father for it. Maybe there is a hereditary link or gene fault somewhere but I have no relatives left , or records, to back this up. For me my childhood has long been a blocked past and it is often extremely difficult to discuss it or remember the bad as well as the good.
My first experience with depression was as a young man serving with the army in belfast in 1979 – I had just been promoted and become engaged. However I had just spent 4 years in germany drinking myself silly and being jack the lad - so I was not ready for the responsibilities thrust on me. The events that occurred are still painfully clear in my memory – but I found myself driving out to a lonely area and swallowing ‘many’ pills.
At some point I drove back to the barracks, shut myself in a toilet and then proceeded to cut my wrist. The classic cry for help I guess yet something forced me to go and get medical attention. I was bandaged up and had my first experience of the stomach pump.
(horrendous experience !)
i was then flown back to england. 6 months of therapy followed and I then left the army. I returned to my hometown penniless and to the council house my father still lived in. I found it difficult to find work and I turned to petty crime. Thankfully I was caught and avoided a prison sentence. I took a government computer course later but it would not help me to find a job in my home town – and so with £5 in my pocket I ‘hitched’ lifts to london to try and make my fortune. I slept rough for a while but I applied for a job with a computer company and, to my surprise, I got it. For the next couple of years life was still hard as I went from one run down bed sit to another – and I still suffered from more severe depressive episodes. Eventually I climbed the promotion ladder and within 5 years I had a managerial role that resulted in a good income and better lifestyle. I bought my first house in the mid 1980’s. I met my wife shortly after and within a year we were engaged. Life was really fantastic and I started experiencing wonderful annual holidays abroad including america and turkey. We sold our own properties and bought a brand new house in 1988 – the following year we got married.
It was the climax to years and years of hard work. But during the honeymoon – I started suffering from depression. Unbelievable as it seems. Was it the stress of organising the wedding or the shock of finding happiness – I still don’t know. But I could not go back to work for 3 months. But go back I did and all was fairly o.K. Until I was made redundant 6 years later. Totally out of the blue and it hit hard. Another long depressive episode followed. (incidentally I cannot remember if I was on any drugs during this or any previous episodes).
After doing a few bum jobs I eventually applied for a job in a call centre. It was difficult but I took to it well. I started with an agency and 18 months later I was successful in being taken on as ‘salaried staff’ with all the benefits of course. I made new friends and took up golf. Everything going well it would seem.
Yet I have suffered 3 major periods of depression since then. All triggered by work stress really. (what else could trigger it ?)
i should add that I took prozac and other sri drugs at some point – even st johns wort got a long look in)
each time I managed to turn the corner again and then return to the workplace.
This current episode follows on from my decision to change to part time hours last spring (after another 'attack). The thought of working reduced hours was a real boost to my confidence – but as a result of this I found myself in a different work area of the company. Doing work I was not really familiar with I guess. I had a couple of panic attacks which forced me to leave the workplace temporarily and then I suffered so badly on one day last november that I have not been back since. I have also been looking for an alternative and less stressful job since. I have not taken any drugs in these 3 months but because I am getting anxiety attacks and waking up with depressed thoughts I now have to think seriously about taking something – but what ? Xanax looked a good option but my gp cannot prescribe it. So possibly I may look at something like valium. I just do not have a clue.
Why do I feel I need such a prop ?. Well apart from the depression and the anxiety (mainly over work) I also ‘believe’ I am a terrible conversationalist and have very poor social skills, I ‘believe’ I have attention deficit disorder and I know I cannot remember things as well as I used to. Am I ‘knocking myself’ unfairly ? Do I really believe I am these things ? Yes I do and basically I don’t think I really like myself either !.
I am pretty much an emotional wreck and though I spend many days cycling and walking to keep myself physically fit I do my best to avoid social contact be it the neighbours or friends. I feel so disappointed with myself – after so many years of hard times and being in the gutter to becoming relatively successful and extremely happy – I have allowed myself to sink to new lows again.
Any advice anyone ? Is there a magic potion that fits my bill. I would love to be able to return to my current workplace (where I only need to work 24 hours a week !) but I get terribly anxious about seeing work colleagues again who have seen me fall off the planet before. That and the loss of confidence in my work are the big stumbling blocks. My company have been great and I have seen occupational health who got me to have 4 sessions with a councellor. (mind it could be argued that my company should have 'risk assessed' me better in my new work role....)

yes – everthing is all about confidence - I know that - but I recognise my frailties all too well. I remember 10 years ago when I 'came back' from a very bad episode. I cannot describe the euphoric feeling I had the next day ! Knowing I had conquered my fears again (but I have never quite had that same exultant rush since)
if any of you lovely people, who are obviously suffering in similar or different ways, can advise on a particular drug that can help me then please do so. Or any other alternative that can help me get out of my hole. I know many professionals take cocaine to keep them going and to give them that 'rush' - but i'm looking at a more ethical option. (or at least something that is recognised as being fairly safe though I am prepared to have to do the long haul knowing so many of these drugs are highly addictive)
finally.. Good luck to you all out there. I’m with you 100%.