Hi. I spent years on prozac for suicidal depression and ocd. The prozac worked well for me as far as the depression and ocd. About a year ago, a new shrink thought I might be bi-polar. I have always had incredible mood swings, episodes of incredible energy and a feeling of being able to take on the world and in the last two years had added insane spending to the list. So, based on the stuff I read, the bi-polar seemed like the correct diagnosis. The doctor added a med. I can't remember the name of and olanzapine to stop in it's tracks the crazy spending. The med.S did stop the "up" of my bi-bolar but after a few months, I realized I was still very "down". Not suicidal...But immobilized. I got moved to a new Dr. , (i am a kaiser patient) who wanted to try just lamotrigine with out any of the other drugs, including my prozac. So...Fast forward to today. The lamotricine controls my "highs" and I don't find myself totally immobilized...But....I think I am right on the edge of depression. I feel unmotivated by life. My ocd has re-emerged, although it is very mild and manageable.

Frankly, I miss my "highs". Not the crazy spending....But the creative side of me, (i am an artist....Or rather....I used to be an artist. I don't paint or draw or even decorate my home anymore)seems to have died. Is this just the way I have to live to have the extreme "highs" controled? And is the semi-apathy towards life just the way one has to live? I know I can't return to "the old me".....But as I sit and stare at my easel I am sooo sad for what I have lost. I am also "weepy" not sobbing crying....But tearing up over the littlest things. I do not feel suicidal but have this feeling like the song says, "is that all there is?"

any advice from people that have been going through this longer than me would be so apprciated. I don't know weather to expect more....Or just accept that this is it?

Thanks for letting me ramble. Clearly, I am confused, and searching.

Gayle