Dear Teeny,
You mentioned that your relationship is healthy and open -- which it seems to be, considering you are serverly depressed, yet he has been there for you for you every step of the way. You try to break up with him because you don't feel that you deserve the love and kindness that he and his family have shown you. But you know what? That is REAL. He sees all of you, the good and the bad with clarity, and he obviously wants to be there for you if he hasn't tried to break up with you, as you mentioned. You may be hypersensitive to his response because of other elements of your life, past relationships, family relationships, etc. I am only bringing up possibilities for you to delve into with a therapist or in your journalling because for me, that is what it was. My poor relationship patterns were suffocating me, and I never realized until I met a great guy who let me be myself. He accepted me, no questions asked, nonjudgmental, just loving and kind even though I was at my worst and acting and being an absolutely horrible human being. I didn't want to get close to anyone, but I realize now that we are all here together on this planet for a reason. And even though it's painful, even though I still hate most of myself, I can see the beauty and love that people have offered me and created with me in my life, and that keeps me going. I have so much to live for, even if it is making a friend laugh for three seconds.
If he wants to be with you, why not let him? Why do you want to break up with him if there is nothing wrong besides the fact that you don't feel deserving? He obviously knows who you are and what you are feeling, and even if he can get inside your mind and your heart because you're not 100% there with him because of your depression, anger, fear, whatever it is, that doesn't mean he can't be there for you. It's a beautiful thing. And his family accepts you too. They want to help you because they love and care for you. They might see something worthy that you cannot see right now in the throes of your depression. You obviously know something is up or you wouldn't be here. So stay with it, start seeing a therapist or counselor, work out, do something, anything. I am not going to pretend it is as easy as 123, as if there's a miracle cure or formula. If I'm honest with myself it took me 7 years to realize how much depression and anxiety disrupted my life, and it took me months and months after I realized to get my ass to a therapist. Just get it all out, the good and the bad. Put yourself out there. Keep trying, even if it feels like it will kill you because nothing hurts more than what you are feeling right now. What do you have to lose? And as for your wonderful boyfriend, if he's seen you like this, when you are feeling so horrible, and is still so supportive and kind, how much more would you have in your relationship if you started to get better? You may not feel deserving that he has to put up with you now, but as you get better, you can make yourself into the sort of person you can see being deserving of love. He is a wonderful person in your eyes, right? So he is deserving of your love, even if you can't love yourself entirely right now to feel deserving of his.
I wish you the best of luck and courage. Please write me if you want to talk further! I know I could use someone to talk to, but I'm posting this on the forum so you know that someone cares and relates. Hopefully someone will respond to me too.
<3 Starkitten