Having a Boyfriend Makes Me More Depressed Posted: 06-15-07 18:58pm
*If anything, read the last paragraph - I
AM SO DEPRESSED & DESPERATE, HELP
I just turned 20 and I have a boyfriend.
We've been going out for about 10 months
now and I love him very much. Our
relationship is extremely open and
healthy, except for one thing - I am
severely depressed. Being in a
relationship makes my depression so much
worse. I feel sorry for my boyfriend
because I try to break up with him very
often. It makes me more depressed that he
has to put up with someone like me that
does this to him. I am surprised that he
has never broken up with me.
I hate relationships. I am highly
oversensitive and cannot handle being that
close to another human being. I thought I
wanted to get married and have kids (and
if I were to do this, then my boyfriend
would surely be the one- no doubt).
However, I've rethought everything and now
I realize that I could never get married.
I want to be single the rest of my life
and live closer to God (being single makes
it easier to be closer to God).
I don't know how to end my relationship
with him. I wish we could just be
friends. He is a big part of my life and
so is his family, and I feel awful for
doing this. I just can't live so
depressed forever. I'm hoping that if we
break up that I won't be severely
depressed anymore. I just don't want to
be depressed anymore. I want to die. My
boyfriend knows this and he's told me to
get help. I'm not that motivated anymore-
I'd rather be depressed so he can just get
away from me.
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John35235
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 17 Location: france
Posted: 06-17-07 02:48am
teeny- do seek for professional help- as
in a psychologist.
He might give you the right treatment so
you wont' feel that depressed. Maybe he
even manages to find out the cause for
your severe depression.
And about your boyfriend- don't be afraid
to break up with him, if you feel this
way. It's better to do that then
tormenting the poor guy.
You said you're enjoying being close to
God?
What were you referring?
Church or death?
Hope it isn't death..
Answer me soon.
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starkitten
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 4
Posted: 06-21-07 10:53am
Dear Teeny,
You mentioned that your relationship is
healthy and open -- which it seems to be,
considering you are serverly depressed,
yet he has been there for you for you
every step of the way. You try to break up
with him because you don't feel that you
deserve the love and kindness that he and
his family have shown you. But you know
what? That is REAL. He sees all of you,
the good and the bad with clarity, and he
obviously wants to be there for you if he
hasn't tried to break up with you, as you
mentioned. You may be hypersensitive to
his response because of other elements of
your life, past relationships, family
relationships, etc. I am only bringing up
possibilities for you to delve into with a
therapist or in your journalling because
for me, that is what it was. My poor
relationship patterns were suffocating me,
and I never realized until I met a great
guy who let me be myself. He accepted me,
no questions asked, nonjudgmental, just
loving and kind even though I was at my
worst and acting and being an absolutely
horrible human being. I didn't want to get
close to anyone, but I realize now that we
are all here together on this planet for a
reason. And even though it's painful, even
though I still hate most of myself, I can
see the beauty and love that people have
offered me and created with me in my life,
and that keeps me going. I have so much to
live for, even if it is making a friend
laugh for three seconds.
If he wants to be with you, why not let
him? Why do you want to break up with him
if there is nothing wrong besides the fact
that you don't feel deserving? He
obviously knows who you are and what you
are feeling, and even if he can get inside
your mind and your heart because you're
not 100% there with him because of your
depression, anger, fear, whatever it is,
that doesn't mean he can't be there for
you. It's a beautiful thing. And his
family accepts you too. They want to help
you because they love and care for you.
They might see something worthy that you
cannot see right now in the throes of your
depression. You obviously know something
is up or you wouldn't be here. So stay
with it, start seeing a therapist or
counselor, work out, do something,
anything. I am not going to pretend it is
as easy as 123, as if there's a miracle
cure or formula. If I'm honest with myself
it took me 7 years to realize how much
depression and anxiety disrupted my life,
and it took me months and months after I
realized to get my ass to a therapist.
Just get it all out, the good and the bad.
Put yourself out there. Keep trying, even
if it feels like it will kill you because
nothing hurts more than what you are
feeling right now. What do you have to
lose? And as for your wonderful boyfriend,
if he's seen you like this, when you are
feeling so horrible, and is still so
supportive and kind, how much more would
you have in your relationship if you
started to get better? You may not feel
deserving that he has to put up with you
now, but as you get better, you can make
yourself into the sort of person you can
see being deserving of love. He is a
wonderful person in your eyes, right? So
he is deserving of your love, even if you
can't love yourself entirely right now to
feel deserving of his.
I wish you the best of luck and courage.
Please write me if you want to talk
further! I know I could use someone to
talk to, but I'm posting this on the forum
so you know that someone cares and
relates. Hopefully someone will respond to
me too.
<3 Starkitten
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starkitten
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 4
Posted: 06-21-07 11:00am
p.s. you may also feel that having a
boyfriend makes you more depressed because
you are being open and honest with
yourself and him. That's why it is even
more important to work with a therapist to
find constructive ways to rid yourself of
what is hurting you while
finding/exploring ways to build yourself
up again. It feels worse because you are
opening up; you are seeing how it could
be, how much more you might have, and
change is scary and it hurts even more if
it is in direct contrast to everything
you're ever known before in a relationship
or thought possible, or your current state
of mind. But it's a good thing! You're
growing into a better you, slowly. You'll
see.
Thank you John and Starkitten for your
help. I have been doing a little better
lately- been a little happier and haven't
been breaking up with my boyfriend. It is
a good idea to see a therapist- the only
bad part is that I travel very often, so
it's difficult to see one person and set
up appointments with my schedule. Also,
it's hard to find a therapist I like and
can stick to. It's awful when I go from
one therapist to another to another...it
doesn't accomplish anything because they
need to know my background history, yada
yada yada. So, I'm not sure what to do
about that.
I'm pretty much at that point where I have
no motivation to help myself anymore. I
sometimes feel like the world is against
me. I try and try, but I always fail.
It's been hard to get out of bed now.
This summer has been especially difficult
because I came home from college and I
don't know what to do with myself. My
high school friends have moved away, I
can't find a summer job, and I'm just
bored and lonely. My boyfriend and good
friends live in another state (where I go
to college).
I just need to find a way to be at peace
with myself...I just don't know how to
start because I've been trying. And I
know, you'll say "try harder," but I have
and I'm tired.
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starkitten
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 4
Posted: 06-21-07 14:59pm
Dear Teeny,
First of all, I hear you. When one is
depressed, you keep trying and trying and
nothing is ever enough. Life is like that
for everyone, but when you are depressed
it is even more difficult. The upside is
that you have an much more in-depth and
broader wisdom from your experiences with
relationships and human emotions, so the
journey is worth it. But it is super duper
hard and frustrating. Failing is okay. It
is part of life. The trick is finding the
way to pick yourself up again, and
sometimes, you need someone to help you
get out of it. I relate to being tossed
about from accommodating other people's
schedules and plans, moving from place to
place and not keeping stable relationships
--including therapists. Stability is
important sometimes, but we can also be
creative. I'm on leave from college right
now too, and I've just started to see a
therapist. You can see more than one
person if you need someone more regularly
than one therapist can provide. It is hard
to cover so much territory with new
people, even harder to trust they can
handle everything, but you have to do
little things to make yourself feel
better. I hate juggling, generally, but I
know now that I can't expect one person to
embody everything that I need, so try and
see what works for you. The wonderful
thing is that you are what keeps
everything beautifully together, the
thread that connects all your experiences
and relationships, so don't feel like you
are too much for people to take. What you
are feeling and dealing with is a lot for
one person, which is why you are
depressed! So maybe we just need to space
it out a little between people we trust.
How does the saying go? Happiness shared
is happiness doubled, sorrow shared is
sorrow halved? something like that? Do what comes to
mind. I have faith in you!
You know how to start: right now. What are
your options? Let's be creative here. Last
summer I went home and went nuts with my
mother and without my friends. I had an
impulse to just use my return flight back
to where I could be with my friends and
where I could find a job easier, rather
than feeling trapped and being
unproductive at home. Could you do that?
Could you stay with your friends or bf for
a week or two until you find a summer job
--anything will do, even though you might
doubt if you are in a state of mind to
keep a job, it's okay, but you just need
to feel like you can do something again--
and start seeing a therapist regularly
over the summer? Or is there another way
to change how your routine at home?
Perhaps new places to go in town to meet
new people, or do the things that kept you
happy and going at school? I don't know
you personally, so you'll have to do the
thinking here. The sky's the limit! What
do you do for fun? Any hobbies? Or try new
things for a change, just for the
experience. Just don't start anything new
that is self-destructive. And all I can
say is, learn to love and care for
yourself slowly.
And if you ever just feel like giving up,
been too tired to do anything right now,
pick up the phone and call someone. It can
be a friend or someone at a hotline,
anyone. Write an email to someone your
trust. Journal. Or go and sit in a park
and watch the ducks, something. But the
times when I'm so depressed I can't get
out of bed even to eat, well, I know that
me telling you to 'do something' is
useless. Do your friends know you are
depressed? Could they call you up
occasionally? Surround yourself with
things you love that keep you alive
inside.
Good luck again, and I'm here to chat if
you ever need me. Just a click away!
Thank you again starkitten for replying to
my post. You've been very helpful to me.
I am doing better...have started working
out again and I'm trying to occupy myself
with things. I'm still very lonely, but
it's good that I'm trying to keep busy
(even if it isn't work). Thank you again,
and I probably should talk to you.
Do what comes to
mind. I have faith in you!
