teeny- do seek for professional help- as in a psychologist.
He might give you the right treatment so you wont' feel that depressed. Maybe he even manages to find out the cause for your severe depression.
And about your boyfriend- don't be afraid to break up with him, if you feel this way. It's better to do that then tormenting the poor guy.
You said you're enjoying being close to God?
What were you referring?
Church or death?
Hope it isn't death..
Answer me soon.

Dear Teeny,

You mentioned that your relationship is healthy and open -- which it seems to be, considering you are serverly depressed, yet he has been there for you for you every step of the way. You try to break up with him because you don't feel that you deserve the love and kindness that he and his family have shown you. But you know what? That is REAL. He sees all of you, the good and the bad with clarity, and he obviously wants to be there for you if he hasn't tried to break up with you, as you mentioned. You may be hypersensitive to his response because of other elements of your life, past relationships, family relationships, etc. I am only bringing up possibilities for you to delve into with a therapist or in your journalling because for me, that is what it was. My poor relationship patterns were suffocating me, and I never realized until I met a great guy who let me be myself. He accepted me, no questions asked, nonjudgmental, just loving and kind even though I was at my worst and acting and being an absolutely horrible human being. I didn't want to get close to anyone, but I realize now that we are all here together on this planet for a reason. And even though it's painful, even though I still hate most of myself, I can see the beauty and love that people have offered me and created with me in my life, and that keeps me going. I have so much to live for, even if it is making a friend laugh for three seconds.

If he wants to be with you, why not let him? Why do you want to break up with him if there is nothing wrong besides the fact that you don't feel deserving? He obviously knows who you are and what you are feeling, and even if he can get inside your mind and your heart because you're not 100% there with him because of your depression, anger, fear, whatever it is, that doesn't mean he can't be there for you. It's a beautiful thing. And his family accepts you too. They want to help you because they love and care for you. They might see something worthy that you cannot see right now in the throes of your depression. You obviously know something is up or you wouldn't be here. So stay with it, start seeing a therapist or counselor, work out, do something, anything. I am not going to pretend it is as easy as 123, as if there's a miracle cure or formula. If I'm honest with myself it took me 7 years to realize how much depression and anxiety disrupted my life, and it took me months and months after I realized to get my ass to a therapist. Just get it all out, the good and the bad. Put yourself out there. Keep trying, even if it feels like it will kill you because nothing hurts more than what you are feeling right now. What do you have to lose? And as for your wonderful boyfriend, if he's seen you like this, when you are feeling so horrible, and is still so supportive and kind, how much more would you have in your relationship if you started to get better? You may not feel deserving that he has to put up with you now, but as you get better, you can make yourself into the sort of person you can see being deserving of love. He is a wonderful person in your eyes, right? So he is deserving of your love, even if you can't love yourself entirely right now to feel deserving of his.

I wish you the best of luck and courage. Please write me if you want to talk further! I know I could use someone to talk to, but I'm posting this on the forum so you know that someone cares and relates. Hopefully someone will respond to me too.

<3 Starkitten

p.s. you may also feel that having a boyfriend makes you more depressed because you are being open and honest with yourself and him. That's why it is even more important to work with a therapist to find constructive ways to rid yourself of what is hurting you while finding/exploring ways to build yourself up again. It feels worse because you are opening up; you are seeing how it could be, how much more you might have, and change is scary and it hurts even more if it is in direct contrast to everything you're ever known before in a relationship or thought possible, or your current state of mind. But it's a good thing! You're growing into a better you, slowly. You'll see.

<3 starkitten

Thank you John and Starkitten for your help. I have been doing a little better lately- been a little happier and haven't been breaking up with my boyfriend. It is a good idea to see a therapist- the only bad part is that I travel very often, so it's difficult to see one person and set up appointments with my schedule. Also, it's hard to find a therapist I like and can stick to. It's awful when I go from one therapist to another to another...it doesn't accomplish anything because they need to know my background history, yada yada yada. So, I'm not sure what to do about that.

I'm pretty much at that point where I have no motivation to help myself anymore. I sometimes feel like the world is against me. I try and try, but I always fail. It's been hard to get out of bed now. This summer has been especially difficult because I came home from college and I don't know what to do with myself. My high school friends have moved away, I can't find a summer job, and I'm just bored and lonely. My boyfriend and good friends live in another state (where I go to college).

I just need to find a way to be at peace with myself...I just don't know how to start because I've been trying. And I know, you'll say "try harder," but I have and I'm tired.

Dear Teeny,

First of all, I hear you. When one is depressed, you keep trying and trying and nothing is ever enough. Life is like that for everyone, but when you are depressed it is even more difficult. The upside is that you have an much more in-depth and broader wisdom from your experiences with relationships and human emotions, so the journey is worth it. But it is super duper hard and frustrating. Failing is okay. It is part of life. The trick is finding the way to pick yourself up again, and sometimes, you need someone to help you get out of it. I relate to being tossed about from accommodating other people's schedules and plans, moving from place to place and not keeping stable relationships --including therapists. Stability is important sometimes, but we can also be creative. I'm on leave from college right now too, and I've just started to see a therapist. You can see more than one person if you need someone more regularly than one therapist can provide. It is hard to cover so much territory with new people, even harder to trust they can handle everything, but you have to do little things to make yourself feel better. I hate juggling, generally, but I know now that I can't expect one person to embody everything that I need, so try and see what works for you. The wonderful thing is that you are what keeps everything beautifully together, the thread that connects all your experiences and relationships, so don't feel like you are too much for people to take. What you are feeling and dealing with is a lot for one person, which is why you are depressed! So maybe we just need to space it out a little between people we trust. How does the saying go? Happiness shared is happiness doubled, sorrow shared is sorrow halved? something like that? Do what comes to mind. I have faith in you!

You know how to start: right now. What are your options? Let's be creative here. Last summer I went home and went nuts with my mother and without my friends. I had an impulse to just use my return flight back to where I could be with my friends and where I could find a job easier, rather than feeling trapped and being unproductive at home. Could you do that? Could you stay with your friends or bf for a week or two until you find a summer job --anything will do, even though you might doubt if you are in a state of mind to keep a job, it's okay, but you just need to feel like you can do something again-- and start seeing a therapist regularly over the summer? Or is there another way to change how your routine at home? Perhaps new places to go in town to meet new people, or do the things that kept you happy and going at school? I don't know you personally, so you'll have to do the thinking here. The sky's the limit! What do you do for fun? Any hobbies? Or try new things for a change, just for the experience. Just don't start anything new that is self-destructive. And all I can say is, learn to love and care for yourself slowly.

And if you ever just feel like giving up, been too tired to do anything right now, pick up the phone and call someone. It can be a friend or someone at a hotline, anyone. Write an email to someone your trust. Journal. Or go and sit in a park and watch the ducks, something. But the times when I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed even to eat, well, I know that me telling you to 'do something' is useless. Do your friends know you are depressed? Could they call you up occasionally? Surround yourself with things you love that keep you alive inside.

Good luck again, and I'm here to chat if you ever need me. Just a click away!

<3 starkitten

Thank you again starkitten for replying to my post. You've been very helpful to me. I am doing better...have started working out again and I'm trying to occupy myself with things. I'm still very lonely, but it's good that I'm trying to keep busy (even if it isn't work). Thank you again, and I probably should talk to you.