Ah, isn't it wonderful being on the horns of a dliemma.

I think you actually answered your own problem by saying this has gone on for three years. You don't sound particularly happy about this.

It sounds like you're on a rollercoaster, from high highs to low lows. I don't think that anyone likes that except every once in awhile. Most of us prefer something fairly constant, and I'll bet you're the same.

So, how to get off the rollercoaster...

Just get off! It's your rollercoaster--it's your life. Yeah, yeah, easy to say when it's not your problem.

It sounds like you may need to just make a break. A person doesn't have to be jerk to break things off; if you're in any kind of friendship that isn't making you happy then you need to make the break and move on.

This "maybe one day we'll be together" may be true and if you're willing to wait for something that may never happen then have at it. People (women can use it, too) can use that line when they want to be a puppetmaster/mistress. to someone willing to buy into that scenario. Are you willing to take a chance on waking up 10 years from now, or even five years from now in a relationship that hasn't moved forward and you may have let chances for other relationships pass you by?

And you say this guy's a client?! Major red flag here, unless he's no longer doing business with your company. If he's still a client and something goes wrong you could be in for a demotion or firing. Businesses don't take things like that lightly. Do you live in the shadows and have to keep this relationship a secret? If so, another red flag.

It's OK to run the gamut of emotions as to why you find him so attractive. I've been there plenty of times myself. The answer changes from hour-to-hour or more frequently or can be situational. Have you considered keeping a diary and just pouring your feelings out on paper? Just write and write and write, regardless how how irrational you may believe you're feeling. Just letting go of all the confusion may help to cut through some of the mist on your path.

Do you sit alone nights waiting fo him to call or to come on-line? I did my share of the former during my single life (I got married at 38, pre-internet). It's easy to look back and say "what a waste of time" because I had to go through it, as will you.

But you can decide how long you want this to go on and what path you want to take. You have that power and you can do whatever you want with it. I've posted replies (as have others) to several people who have posted in this forum and the answers are pretty much the same:

1. Nothing happens overnight. That is extremely frustrating when one is unhappy and wants the unhappiness to go away.

2. Consider finding other ways to spend your time. Take up a new hobby, join a new organization, just get out and meet new people. Even if you have to force yourself to go to the mall and window shop, at least you're with other people and away from the phone.

3. I keep forgetting this is the age of cell phones. Unless you really need the phone on, turn it off. Yes, you'll be tempted every few seconds to see if he called or texted you but if you make that first step away, the times between the checking for the texts or messages will get longer and longer.

4. Consider what kind of a relationship you want with this guy. I mean, seriously consider. In one way, you're waaaay smarter than I was. I fell for a guy I met on vacation and within a few months I moved 1000 miles away from where I grew up to be with him. I went into it with eyes wide open (I was in my late 20s, old enough I thought to know better ) and the glitter wore off not long after I got there (I think it had started to wear off before I got down there and I didn't realize it). The rfact that you're not moving to be nearer to him is smart, smart, smart and I applaud you highly. In my case, life handed me lemons and I was able to make lemonade in spades but the lemonade didn't come cheap.

I'm so sorry you're in such turmoil and you've prolly cried yourself to sleep over this for awhile. Do you have someone you trust that you can talk about this to, or do you have any kind of support system? I've been lucky that way; there's always been someone around when I've wanted to talk about a problem.

Of course, you can always post here. Sometimes it's easier to use anonymity (sp?) in starting on a path to wellness.

If I was you I'd skip the conquest thing. Be careful what you wish for, you may get it. If you want to "win" him you want to get him "legally"--no game-playing, no invegling, no using "wiles". How would you feel if he tricked you into a relationship? I can't think of any relationships I've had or known of where trickery worked. Playing a little "hard-to-get" is fine, but out-and-out chicanery is beyond contempt.

Go on with your life, but go your own way. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders all in all, so decide what is best for *you* in your heart of hearts and go after it. You'll change your mind along the way, that's what life's about--makes you a more well-rounded person. You may even make the same mistake a few times. God knows I have! But that's how one learns (and sometimes the lessons can be hard to learn).

Take your time, cry when you need to, keep posting and good luck.

Vitrual hugs from my part of the country.

P.S. Sex is one of the worst ways to try and keep a relationship going. You'll be very sorry in the end.

Thanks for replying. You know I loved this guy for 3 years and I think I will always love him. Have you ever met anyone that makes you the best version of you? This is how this guy makes me feel. He is a good guy, very intelligent and I know he will not hurt me. I mean to the best of his ability, he will not hurt me, if he actually falls in love with someone, that will hurt me, but I think he will find a way to deliver that to me so that I won't be hurt. Does that make sense? And then of course there is the possibility that we will be together. You know, the client part is not really a red flag, in my business, I have many clients and he is no longer my client since he is in another state. But I agree with you that I should not wait around for him. He has his priorities, work, raising his son. You mention that sex is not a good way to keep a relationship going. Sex is not the only part of our relationship, we can talk just about anything, sex is the icing on the cake. But, I also think sex is an important component in a relationship especially for younger adults... As far as the conquest goes, I don't feel that bad about it, because I love him, I truly do. I had to have a bit calculated plan of action to get this hunk in my life but now there is not much more playing games. He knows me well though - he knows not to give me what I want because I will lose interest.
As you see there is no real solution to this madness. He gives me wings, oxygen, however you want to call it. At the same time, I learned to make room for other men in my life not too go to crazy. This makes both him and I both "mistresses"....Life is complicated.

entices,I could not have said that any better myself! your awesome!

good luck ladybug.Find someone who does wantt o eb with and around you. I think if this guy really cared for you,he would try and find a way to work things out.It sounds like he is just stringing you along and why I don't know cause you live in 2 different states. . .well anyhow,good luck and keep us posted!

You asked: You know I loved this guy for 3 years and I think I will always love him. Have you ever met anyone that makes you the best version of you?

Answer: I have a friend I’ve loved for 27 years and, in my own way, I will always love him. He’s been married all those years, I’ve been married for 11 years and we now live 1,000 miles away. Right now he’s dealing with a low-grade type of depression called dysthymia and I’m doing everything I can to help him through (which is listening and being as helpful and sympathetic as possible).

Other stuff:

As far as this relationship goes, it sounds like you may need to prioritize what you what in a relationship. If you love this guy as much as you say you do then you have to accept (not necessarily like) whatever happens. Your sentence about “losing interest” makes me a little concerned. I read that as a possible “game playing” on his part. Like he knows what buttons to push to get a response out of you.

As far as sex goes, it doesn’t matter what age one is. Sex can be the icing on the cake for a relationship but I have male friends that are like brothers. We’ve shared very private things about each other but never have had sex (and this started in my 20s). There are relationships that transcend sex and I feel those are the best relationships of all.

It’s been my experience that sex can ruin a relationship because each partner has different (usually unspoken) expectations: one feels that it binds both people together and makes the relationship exclusive, whilst the other one feels it’s nice for the moment but once it’s done it’s time to do something else. It can be very difficult for the former when the latter finds someone else that s/he wants to have more of a relationship than with the former. The former can become extremely clingy and depressed because the dynamic has shifted and not for the better.

It appears he may not see this thing between you is mutually exclusive—he could even be seeing someone on the side and not told you because he doesn’t want to hurt you or he wants his cake and eat it, too. How would you feel if you found out he was seeing someone else? I have a feeling that the “wind beneath your wings” would disappear and you’d come plummeting to earth.

It sounds like when you get together it’s only for a very short time and you’re both on your best behavior. Real love holds once the glitter wears off and the mundane sets in (usually about six months or so in a relationship). You have to be together together (yes, I’m repeating myself) to see him in different situations. Neither of you are perfect—yes, you can talk across the miles but it’s the being around that can drop the scales from your eyes.

He’s raising a son. Is part of your plan to uproot his son from his life, school, activities, his relationship with his mom and all his friends to get him more closely into your life? Is that fair? I don’t know what the custody laws in his State are but in my State, if both parents have custody they must live in this State. If one moves away then the custody goes to the parent who lives in-State. He may not want that.

There is a solution to this madness (and it’s easy for me to say because I’m not part of it). You have to decide what direction you want this relationship to go. Long-distance relationships can’t last forever, someone has to take the next step and the risk that goes with it. Since it looks like he can’t you may have to. Are you willing to risk whatever may go with it, including him telling you that he doesn’t see a future with you except as a friend and nothing more?

This is all stream-of-consciousness and I apologize for going to and fro.

What is your next step?

Entices you are really good at this! I appreciate all your comments.

Based on your life experience, which option would you choose:

1. Be with someone you like more.
2. Be with someone that likes you more.
3. Stay alone.
4. Be with someone where the love/interest is mutual.

Of course you would choose #4. In my experience, #3 is overrated, #4 is hard to find. So you're left with #1 and #2. Comparing these, I think #2 gives you more peace but you end up feeling guilty, too comfortable, working at the relationship requires a lot of effort because you're not really that much into that person. #1 may not give you the same piece of mind, but at least you have strong feelings for that person and that gets you through the day.

I know we should all strive for #4 but if that does not happen, is #3 the only option?

You asked:

Based on your life experience, which option would you choose:

1. Be with someone you like more.
2. Be with someone that likes you more.
3. Stay alone.
4. Be with someone where the love/interest is mutual.

My answer:

Not enough options. How about

1. Be with someone whose company you enjoy and who enjoys your company. Sort of like your answer #4 without the romance.

2. Be around people who share a common interest with you.

3. Be around people who don't share a common interest with you but whose interest you're interested in (like a book club,a ballroom dancing class or doing volunteer work, for example).

4. Do something nice for yourself as a kind of "pick-me-up" (do a spa thing, buy a new dress, whatever). You'd be surprised how good a little treat for yourself can make you feel and how it can propel you to do something else.


There is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". You can be alone and not be lonely and you can be lonely and not be alone. I can be with my husband and feel lonely and I can be by myself and enjoy it a geat deal. I knit, I love to watch old movies, I'm starting to get into growing flowers (I got a miniature rose plant for Mom's day from the hubster on behalf of our four cats--it bloomed once, I did some small pruning and I'm getting my next set!). The hubster doesn't care much for any of those--his thing is fishing.

Anyway, you now have four other options. I could probably come up with a few more but I have laundry in the dryer.

I think you're still shrouded and are still trying to tear your way out. When you feel surrounded by a thick fog it's very hard to see what's around you. The fog will eventually lift and you'll find which way to go.

I really believe in your heart of hearts that you know which way to go but you're not ready to take that first step. Marshall your forces and start on your way to wellness!

Keep posting!

With virtual hugs,

Camille

P.S. One of these days you'll be good at this, too.