Sex Is Starting to Ruin My Relationship Posted: 06-04-07 10:03am
My girlfriend and I have been together for
almost 2 years now. At the start of the
relationship, sex was amazing. We would
always make love and it was always mind
blowing - it just got better and better.
But, for quite some time, she has been
depressed and constantly tired and has
lost all of her sex drive. It's been like
this for months now, and we longer have
sex. I think the last time we did was
about 4 or 5 months ago.
I love her very much, and have always
stood by her, but I'm starting to find
that a non existent sex life is causing me
to be depressed and anxious all the time.
It's got to the point where I try to
snuggle up to her, and do the things that
I know she loves the best, and she just
shakes me off, making me feel like an fool
for trying. I don't try anymore.
Because I don't, I'm just a horny rabbit
all the time. I never want to cheat on
her, because I'm not like that, so now I'm
just self pleasuring myself. At first,
it's okay. You always know how to get your
own rocks off, right? But, now, it's just
always me and my hand...and I'm getting
lonely.
Communication has broken down between us
about it too. I try to talk about it with
her, but she never wants to. She yells at
me telling me to stop pressurising her,
when all I want to do is talk about it to
try and solve it.
Then, a bad thing happened. She walked in
on me in front of a porn website, doing
stuff to myself...by this time, I only
resorted to it because I had had enough
with standing in the shower doing it...I
was so sexually frustrated, I just needed
to...relieve...myself, and the porn was
purely for arousal purposes. It wasn't my
finest moment, because I'm not into
porn...I think it's disgusting, but I was
weak and stupid and frustrated.
And now, she thinks I have as good as
cheated on her. She's treating me with
icyness, telling me that I've changed and
that I'm not the man she thought I once
was. She keeps saying how could I hurt her
like this and what has she ever done to
deserve it? And I feel so terrible and cut
up, I don't know what to do.
I don't think looking at porn is as bad as
actually, physically, cheating on her. I
haven't had sex with anyone else...but she
says that I have taken the first step...
What am I to do? This last week has been
so difficult to deal with. I feel really
quite weakened by it all.
We are a young couple (I'm only 24 and she
is only 21) and I keep saying to myself
that I need to stick by her and help her
through her troubles, but at the same
time, I keep thinking that we should be
enjoying an active sex life, with
experimentation and fun and devoting hours
to it...we have lived together for 6
months now, and have only made love about
4 or 5 times...something like that.
I don't know what to do anymore...she
think's I'm a cheater and a sleeve bag.
Am I just really selfish for doing this?
Can anyone offer any thoughts or advice?
Thanks
?
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5541 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 88
Thanked:31
Posted: 06-04-07 12:05pm
Oh dear. This is a rough situation.
She needs to see a doctor to determine if
she is depressed or if there is a
different condition (like thyroid
disorder) present.
First of all, if she has been depressed
(and lack of sexual desire is a definite
side effect of depression) she needs to be
treated by a therapist. This is a big
problem that needs to be dealt with. Try
gently suggesting that she seek help,
emphasizing that you are worried about her
happiness and well being. Don't talk about
the sex thing at all until her emotional
well being is taken care of. Give her
phone numbers of doctors who she can see,
do the reserach for her. Show her that you
care.
If she is depressed, she probably has
absolutely no desire for sex, and probably
also feels that she is not worth having
sex with. The porn has probably made these
feelings even stronger. Don't feel guilty-
women just see porn in a different way
than men. She might feel as if she is not
worth having sex with, and that you would
rather see women in porn than her. I know
that's not true, but that could be how she
feels. Women, especially people who are
depressed, tend to internalize everything
and turn it into a way to feel bad about
themselves. She can't help it, and she
needs help from a psychologist or
psychiatrist to feel better.
Once her depression is addressed, maybe
the two of you should seek some therapy
together. Don't feel bad about it, it is
not your fault or hers. But she needs to
be treated. For you, the porn was just a
physical need being filled. For her, it is
like emotional cheating. You're going to
have to be patient and help her to get
treated and wait for her to get better. My
suggestion is to keep letting her know
that you are attracted to her and don't
make her feel bad about not wanting sex.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
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HealthySex
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 414
Posted: 06-04-07 13:45pm
Yes, sex is not the problem here, it's
just the symptom that is affecting you.
The problem is with her health. Like
Georgia said, she needs to see a doctor
and find if she has depression or some
other health problem.
