Medical Abortion Forum - My Girlfriend Is Pregnant & I Need Advise!!

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Q: My Girlfriend Is Pregnant & I Need Advise!!

asked by: billybilo on June 1st, 2007

New User

Hi,

I have been going out with my girlfriend, who is 18 years old for about 2 months and she has just told me she is 6 months pregnant with someone else's child. I was absoloutley gobsmacked by this as she is so damn thin. She is a recreational drug user and I have known this since I met her. She takes mostly cocaine but also ecstacy, speed and marijuana. I have never really been okay with her taking these drugs but she's very stubborn and brushes it aside, plus she's an addict who doesn't want to stop.

She told me about the pregnancy when we were first starting getting intimate(she just stopped and went all coy) so I asked her what was up. She told me about it, and I was, well just stunned. Her stomach is completely flat(I look more pregnant than her and I'm not fat either). She told me she has known about the pregnancy since January and with it being June she says she's 6 months gone. Since I met her I've always felt there was something she was hiding but this was the last thing on my mind. She said that she wants to get an abortion but just 'blocks' the pregnancy from her mind and gets on with her life. She also told me that she takes speed and doesn't eat for 3 days so that she doesn't get fat. I presume that the baby is dead and is still inside her. Her parents don't know and they are friends of my parents, so I can't discuss it with my parents as she doesn't want her parents to EVER know.

I, myself am only 19 and I'm completely baffled by all of this and feel out of depth. I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to offend her because she is clearly lost and confused. In truth I am disgusted with her actions as the foetus is a living thing and even though I may not agree with abortion, I feel it is a better way of killing the foetus than taking multiple drugs and not eating. With her being 6 months gone I find it hard to believe she can legally have an abortion but she reckons that she can go to a clinic for 3 days in a nearby city and have it done.

Can you please help me out as I really like her and want her to get through this bad patch in the best possible way. She is someone who is very insecure, needing constant reassurance and finds it difficult to trust people & open up to them. This is why I'm finding it so difficult to advise her as I'm unsure of what approach to take.

Any advice would be fantastic as I really want to point her in the right direction.

Thanks for your time.

Replies(20)

sillyakchick

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I am guessing that she has not gotten the appropriate prenatal care. This may sound like a stupid question, but are you certain that she is, in fact pregnant? Have you noticed in the last 6 months that she has needed to abstain from sex due to her period, or have you noticed her needing to use sanitary products? You sound like a very insightful and concerned gentleman, and your concern for both her and the baby is commendable.

At this point the baby could very well have a tremendous amount of damage done due to her activities. An abortion may indeed be the best choice for her, in light of the fact that she has done so many drugs while pregnant and the fact that her status as a proper mother right now is so questionable.

Best of luck to you in this. Please keep us posted as to what happens.

Llewellyn

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Yeah, I don't know what abortion laws are like where you are, but I don't think an abortion would be legal at that point where I am.

Honestly, I think it sounds like telling your parents and hers might be the best thing for her. You're right that it is probably too late for the baby, but it sounds like this girl has some major psychological issues going on and needs some serious help before she does even more damage to herself and anyone else.

You say she is insecure. If you tell someone, there is a chance that she will get angry with you and feel that she cannot trust you for a while. However, I think it sounds like it is worth that risk. By the sound of it, she is too dangerous and unstable to go on living the way she is, and a serious relationship with someone in that condition would be a joke. Maybe she can at least get some medical attention and counseling out of it.

billybilo

replied on June 1st, 2007

New User

Thank you for your replies.

I have actually known her since I was about 6 due to our parents being friends but lost contact for quite sometime and we recently bumped into each other and got talking etc.

I have no idea about her periods as I'm yet to have sex with her(she dropped this bombshell as the mood was arising).

Another thing is that she refuses to tell me who the father is and insists it isn't her previous boyfriend who I happen to know. She says I don't know who he is but she refuses to say, which I find crazy. She has told me that she has done 'sexual favours' for drugs in the past and has been beaten and burnt with a cigarette(she has a scar near her vagina) when she refused to sleep with a dealer. So I'm left with a terrible feeling that she has been raped or something and fallen pregnant and maybe is purposely taking drugs to block out these memories.

As you can see I am very concerned and worried about her state of mind. She is such a lovely person too but has this other side that she's just recently started to show. I have no idea what the best solution is, a big part of me wants to help but another part questions whether she's worth it.

Llewellyn

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

If you are wondering whether or not she is worth it, you could still try to help her without necessarily being with her. You could tell your parents so that your family and hers can get her help. After that, it would be up to you whether or not you wanted to stay involved in her life.

Birch

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

(I just read this kind of stuff and I get nauseous. What I really want to say isn't very nicey-nice, so I hope no one wants to poke a skewer into my neck and stick my head on the ramparts.)

Step One: Get out of her life. She will only get help if she wants it, and no amount of cajoling from you is going to help her.

Step Two: Stay out, and ignore the inevitable requests for communication.
Remind yourself that she's on coke, mj, etc. Do you want to have a girlfriend who's a coke addict? I know you want to be supportive, but there's a fine line between support, enabling, and watching out for your own ass.

Here's what I would do--(Support, also known as tough love:) Tell her she needs help, and refuse to have anything to do with her until she's gotten it.

Good luck!

Kypros

replied on June 1st, 2007

Experienced User

Birch, I can't say that I agree with the strictness of your approach. although this guy needs to get tough for the good of his girlfriend, at least!

You said she wants an abortion; I'm very hopeful a multiple drugs addict with an eating disorder can get a late-term abortion on grounds of maternal health, foetal health, dramatic change in relationship with father of baby etc. but she will need to sort this out as soon as possible. If the foetus is dead, or indeed even if it isn't!, it's life-threatening.

Firstly, decide if you want a relationship with this girl. Tell her you will support her with all the love and backing you can give but in order to be able to be in a relationship she needs to get help for herself. It seems clear she's gone a murky past that needs to resurface and be dealt with, not ignored. Tell her the risks she is doing to herself by being heavily pregnant and addicted to alcohol and semi-anorexic (????)

Secondly, be firm but fair. Take her feelings into consideration and try to get her to trust that you are genuinely wanting to aid her. She needs to meet you half way otherwise no help can be given. I'm sorry I'm brief but I need to leave. My thoughts are with you.

Kypros.

nightangel73

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Birch wrote:

i absolutetly agree with you on this one birchie!

Birch

replied on June 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

nightangel73 wrote:

Birch wrote:

i absolutetly agree with you on this one birchie!

A miracle!! Wink

Kypros, I've been working with substance abusers these past six months and if there is anything I've learned, it's that they won't get help unless they lose everything and everyone stands up to them. Sometimes that doesn't even work. It seems like anything short of extremely tough love isn't enough motivation.

I also was thinking about what is best for this young man. Being involved with a drug addict, who claims she is pregnant and refuses to give details, who ignores her pregnancy (hey prolifers-here's an actual example of not taking responsibility!) is extremely chaotic and not a healthy place for anyone to be.

If the genders were switched--minus the pregnancy piece-would we advise her to leave him? "You deserve better" & "don't put up with this crap" etc is what I think we'd hear alot.

billybilo

replied on June 4th, 2007

New User

Thanks for all the replies there are some very good points that I have considered.

Having had further talks with her she has now made an appointment to go to an abortion clinic on Thursday with me as support. She told me that she has made 3 appointments in the past but has cancelled at the last minute as she's been too scared and has had no one with her as support.

I have also told her that me and her are on hold until all this is out of the way. She says she'll take a new approach in trying to get off drugs as in the past she has tried stopping one at a time, now she'll stop them all.

Thanks for all the advise I'll let you know how everything goes on Thursday.

Moo

replied on June 4th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

She is six months pregnant, she is only going to be able to get an abortion up until week 24 and then doctors are usually quite reluctant to refer her, especially if she has known since January. However, as Kyros said she may be able to on foetal abnormality grounds if it has been damaged by her substance abuse.

I do not think this story really checks out - she has NO sign of pregnancy right? No prenatal care? No doctors appointments?
If she is infact pregnanct and has known since Januray then she is being totally irresponsible. I am very much pro-choice but she has continuously abused drugs ans she claimes to have done nothign because she's scared? having an unplanned pregnancy IS scary but there is only a certain amount of time you can ignore it and six months is usually way after that mark.

Let us know how it goes

billybilo

replied on June 4th, 2007

New User

Moo, I can understand what your saying entirely. All this drug stuff and denial happened before I met her. I am not completely sure but I reckon that the baby is dead inside her, is that a miscarraige? And if she doesn't get it taken out she'll give birth to a dead baby. There is a slight slight bump but I'd say she looks a month pregnant rather than 6. I have told her that the choice she has taken is stupid and that she should have sorted it long ago. The people(her friends) she confided in have just said 'get an abortion' not 'come on, let's get this sorted, I'll help you in your time of crisis and hold your hand through it all(they are addicts too, if you couldn't have guessed)'. When I told her that I'd go with her she couldn't believe it,her face lit up. So, yes she's been scared etc but also alone. That is the only excuse I can think of that she has, I just hope it gets sorted asap.

Moo

replied on June 4th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

If the foetus has died then she needs it removed as it can cause infections. Depending on the gestation it would either be classed as a miscarriage or a still birth - even if she did need surgery to remove it as it is not alive. She does need this sorted as you can't just ignore a pregnancy!

I think you're doing a remarkable thing by being there for her but I also think you deserve so much better. Yes she needs this sorted and it's good if you can help her but afterwards I'd really look at whethe ryou want a relationship with someone who abuses their body so much with drugs/whether she'll get help. Best of luck

Kypros

replied on June 6th, 2007

Experienced User

billybilo, you've been an excellent rock to your girlfriend and an incentive to act.

If the foetus is already dead and she gives birth, that is a stillbirth; under the same circumstances but removed by the doctor (usually the same way some abortions are performed) then it is a miscarriage; otherwise, it's just an abortion if she goes ahead with it.

It's good of you to keep us informed to. I always like to know what happens to the people we help. It's altruistically self-satisfying, too.

Kypros.

Birch

replied on June 6th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Kypros wrote:

It's good of you to keep us informed to. I always like to know what happens to the people we help. It's altruistically self-satisfying, too.

Kypros.

Ah, can it be altruistic and self-satisfying? Wink

coreenfemme

replied on June 6th, 2007

New User

well, i want to go ahead and say that i have to agree with birch. ive been dating a man for over a year who used to be known as part of a toxic trio and i personally have done mj once about 7 yrs ago, but am completely drug free since then.

my SO decided before we ever met to quit drugs bc they were taking him nowhere fast and if he had an accident at work, they would throw him out of that place real quick. he has flat out told me that if i was ever to try drugs out he would kick me to the curb bc the only thing i would be doing is ensuring a jail sentance for both of us.

dude, the only thing i can say is get out, and get out now. not wanting to sound like a health forum or anything, but shes too far along to have an abortion and the kid is going to be screwed up royally if its not already dead so cut ur losses.

a lot of the time people stay with someone out of feelings of obligation which sounds like what ur doing, which dont get me wrong is commendable, but ur just a kid and need to work on getting ur own life together bc trust me all she is going to do if she really is doped out and has had all kinds of traumatic things done to her, is take you down with her.

i recently saw a movie i would def. recommend, its called the basketball diaries. def. gives a whole new perspective to what people do to themselves and how low they have to go before they pick themselves up.

Jules

replied on June 6th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Birch wrote:

Kypros wrote:

It's good of you to keep us informed to. I always like to know what happens to the people we help. It's altruistically self-satisfying, too.

Kypros.

Ah, can it be altruistic and self-satisfying? Wink

Hee hee, I was going to say the same thing but thought I might come across as pedantic...but we all know what you're like, Birch... Mr. Green

sandyallen

replied on June 6th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

It is great to know that she has a friend like you to depend on but please be careful! I hope that she can get this pregnancy, miscarriage or whatever happens there out of the way and she can get into some type of rehabilitation and get off of these drugs. Some pregnant females do not start showing alot until later on in there pregnancy but you generally always feel movement by 6 months, pretty much every pregnancy is different. I do agree though, if the fetus is dead, the dr does need to remove it! Please keep us posted and let us know what happens. We are here for you!

n_m_zia_girl

replied on June 6th, 2007

New User

Advice

Yeah, I don't really have advice for your girlfriend, because what sort of woman would do that? If you don't want the child, don't get pregnant in the first place, and if you do get pregnant and don't want the child, try to go about it in the most humane way and get an abortion while it's still early.
As for you, just from reading your post you sound fairly intelligent. You are just 19 years old, and sorry man, but you don't need someone who is hooked on drugs and doesn't even care enough about life to take care of herself or her child. What if she were to become pregnant by you? Do you think she would tell you? Do you think she would continue with the drugs and hurt or even kill the child? I can't imanage that would make you feel very good. There are plenty of good women out there who respect themselves enough so that they are not hooked on drugs or disrespecting their bodies in such ways. If you have only been with her a few months and she has already kept such a HUGE secert from you and put this sort of worry and stress on you, then what could the future hold?
Sorry to be so harsh man, but you need to think about such things. Don't worry about her so much, because she doesn't even care about her self. You need to worry about yourself and what's best for you. Don't get stuck in something that you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Hope you heed this advice and all works out for you.

ihavequestions123

replied on September 29th, 2008

New User

did she take a pregnancy test? because i know that when girls are that skinny and has habits like hers, it is possible for them to just stop getting their period. plus i highly doubt that there is any way that she is 6 monthes pregnant, and has absolutely no signs.
also, i understand i have known her a long time and are friends with her, but are you sure this is the type of girl u want to be with? i mean my god, cocaine, mj and shes says shes 6 months pregnant and doesnt care?
be a good friend and try to help her, but i think u seriously need to think about being in a relationship with this girl, maybe reconsider?

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