I wrote this on a whim today on my computer, copy and pasted it in every possible folder on my macbook about twelve times hoping that someone would stumble upon it. i am paranoid and in a sense to prideful to ask for help directly. I am just curious before i spend money on some ridiculous amount of money on some psychiatrists that will just tell me I'm stressed out i decided to post that piece of writing here. i am eighteen years old and if i am a hypochondriac, which i seriously doubt, this would be my first hypochondriac symptom.

This is what i wrote down earlier today before researching schizophrenia:


"i can remember parts of my childhood where i would here the screams of people as if they were dying on certain occasions. from ages, i believe, seven to ten i use to talk to myself in mirror for several minutes. my memory is starting to decay in rapid time. i had some audible hallucinations today but not many. more prevalent now than before i am starting to question whether any thing is real. i start to contemplate it and it seems like nothing is really real anymore. i can't tell anyone this because i don't think anyone would believe me. i told monica* about the whole perspective thesis about how i don't know if anything is real but it was pretty indirect. my speech is starting to suffer dramatically, i put random words together and say them spontaneously. my train of thought seems to me to be some sort of paradox. the other night i started to debate whether all of my surroundings were generated by a computer or not, sort of like a matrix philosophy, but not in the sense where i have to save earth from bug-looking machines. i have a serious lack of motivation and it's starting to grow on me. my paranoia is getting out of control, especially with monica*. i question her for some reason everyday, i continue to think there is someone else with no evidence and no signs what-so-ever.


...i hope someone will eventually read this somehow. i need help and i am afraid to ask for it."

*Monica is my current girlfriend

i seriously doubt i have any form of schizophrenia, but i would like to make sure.