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Would You Take Offense?

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Mother in law came to visit.

Her whole family is very tall meaning at least 5 foot 10 on up. Her other son married a girl who is also 5'10. Needless to say, I am the shorty at 5'4.My husband is 6'6 and his brother is 6'5.

She has been saying that she wonders if the child I am carrying will take after my husbands side of the family. She sometimes states that Nathan doesn't eat like a "Lee" , is small and doesn't have my husband's temperment at all (...Nathan is very anal - like my husband, so he does in some ways). She said, I wonder if the other child will surpass Nathan in weight and height. She stated that Nathan hardly eats and that is going to negatively impact other factors such as development. I know that but Nathan is still getting cleaned out due to his poo problem so he is not as hungry (which we were told was going to happened). Secondly, hardly any child can eat like the extremely tall Lee family. She said that she hopes that this other child will eat more and that it will rub off on Nathan. Her other grandchild is a full year younger than nathan but is in the 99% for weight and height. He actually weighs more than Nathan and has a very healthy appetite. She has no concerns with the way he is being raised or his growth. She says that Nathan obviously takes after my side of the family in personally, height and weight. I was on the lower percentile in weight and height.

Her son, my husband, was a "perfect" child and was opposite of strong-willed. He did everything he was told and was/is gifted. Nathan is very smart but he is not gifted like my husband was/is. I sense disappointment in that as well. When I tell them of all the feats my son is doing, I don't get a "That is good!" She doesn't say anything. Nathan was such a great, easy baby and when he was he took after my husband. Now that he is strong-willed and difficult, he takes after my side of the family. It just drives me nuts and frankly really upsets me. If Nathan was reading like my husband did or could put together 300 piece legos by looking at the directions at age three, I would constantly here how much Nathan takes after his daddy and how smart he is.

I told her that perhaps nathan will gain in height and later look like a Lee. She shook her head and said, "No" all the Lee boys were very high in weight and height from the beginning. I know she really wants this next child to look and act like a "Lee."

My husbands family are all genius'. Their IQ's are all off the charts, in addition to their heights. My Nathan and I are not like them. The other grandchild is.I really hope that the child I am carrying is not extremely different from Nathan I hope he is very similar in height and intelligence. I really feel that the other child would get favored if he were like a "Lee". Oh... when she mentioned the whole development thing in relation to the eating habits, I couldn't help but think she probably thinks that's the reason why Nathan is not a genius like the rest of them. Both of her boys were hearty eaters and have extremely high IQ's. Just plain irritating.

This may sound really trivial to most of you but when you marry into a family with ultra high IQ's and very tall people whose whole identity is in their height, it affects your life when you are around them.

I probably am a bit more sensitive to the height and weight thing because Nathan is a little small in comparison to other almost four year old boys. He is very petite. I am a bit sensitive because he has the digestive issues and do wonder if that has negatively impacted his height and weight. . I was extremely petite, so my son may just take after me.

Oh...I love my extremely strong-willed child. Although life is very difficult with his oppositional behavior, I am so glad he is the way he is. He has a lot of leadership potential and is anything but a little follower! I did tell my mother in law that I was glad Nathan was strong-willed and she looked at me without saying one word - almost like she couldn't believe I was happy that my Nathan is just the way he is!!

Sorry for being so long. This is probably a scattered little posting.


***** JUST GOT A PHONE CALL!! My husband's brother is pregnant with child #2! I am happy. They are wonderful people. Interesting how I was just writing about them. The other child will be like a "Lee" in weight and height because both of them are very tall.
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replied May 27th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
how immature of her.I don't know what all to say except that I would tell her that no matter what nathan looks or acts like,he is still part of the family and she should llove him how he is and stop comparing him.tell her exactly how you feel!
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replied May 27th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
jeez. if that was my mother in law i'd tell her there was nothing wrong with my child, and that she should grow up and accept him the way he is or she wouldn't be welcome anymore. i'd be so annoyed if my child was being compared with the other ones in the family and someone said negative things. i don't think you are over reacting at all! i'd never let someone in my family (or anyone for that matter) attack how my child is like that without getting hell from me.
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replied May 27th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
sounds like a real nice lady Rolling Eyes
If all she can do is complain about your son and say all the what she thinks is negative traits then forget her... id just bring up the fact that she, as a lee, should be a much better grandmother..for having such iq's she sounds like a real idiot. What did your hubby have to say?
Nate is handsome and he is obviously going to be an amazing brother by the way he treats your belly right now and i would tell her that it is very very sad that she cant see the all the wonderful things her grandson has to offer..

oh yea and being tall is over rated lol
at least nate will have a easier time finding jeans lol.
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replied May 27th, 2007
Most Diplomatic Poster
I would think about raising the issue with her as well if she keeps making comments like that. In any case, you don't know yet what gifts your boy may have. He is still a little boy. Just because he is not a prodigy now, doesn't mean he won't have talents or gifts that will come with time. What a child needs to be successful with whatever level of intelligence they have is a feeling of security and healthy confidence. A kid can be extremely gifted and intelligent, but without a sound self esteem, they will not be able to reap the full benefit of their abilities. It is up to parents to instill that emotional well being and centred-ness in their child. Some of the most intelligent minds the world has ever known have been packaged in bodies that were far from perfect. The most famous genius, .Einstein, didn't do well in school. Your mother in law should welcome some diversity in the family rather than making you and your son feel like you're on the outside. That said, there is no guarantee that she will do that, so you have to make sure you don't buy into it. Love him the way he is no matter what anyone says. Encourage him to develop the gifts that he does have and teach him that no one is perfect whether they are short or tall. Even the smartest people in the world have to work at it. There are all different kinds of gifted people in this world and if someone chooses to judge a book by its cover they are only cheating themselves.
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replied May 27th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I now don't feel like I am over reacting.

Karen, what you said is something I really need to repeat to myself and also to the parents I work with. I am a school psychologist and frequently work with parents whose kids are atypical learners or have learning disabilities/difference. When it comes to Nathan and other members of my family, all objectivity flies out the window and I am just an emotional case!!! I need advice from other people when it comes to myself or my own family.

Thanks all for providing the advice and support.
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replied May 28th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
I would be put out a bit. Maybe you could talk to your husband and ask him to talk to her and let her know how much it bothers you when she picks .Nathan apart. I would give him the old, "if you don't .I will". That always works for .Mike and .I

Tell her that he takes after his mommy
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replied May 28th, 2007
Supporter
im so sorry your mil is treating you and your son like that.. i hope your next child is just like your son (just hopefully without the digestive problems) your children dont need her saying they arnt perfect because they arnt tall. personally i would hate to be tall shawn says the same thing.. shawn and i were both petite and we both wouldnt want ourselves any other way.

atleast your son wont have to duck whenever he goes threw a door when hes older Exclamation
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replied May 28th, 2007
Most Diplomatic Poster
ladylee70 wrote:
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I now don't feel like I am over reacting.

Karen, what you said is something I really need to repeat to myself and also to the parents I work with. I am a school psychologist and frequently work with parents whose kids are atypical learners or have learning disabilities/difference. When it comes to Nathan and other members of my family, all objectivity flies out the window and I am just an emotional case!!! I need advice from other people when it comes to myself or my own family.

Thanks all for providing the advice and support.


I know what you're saying. It's hard not to have some expectations of your child. I teach special needs kids who are quiet and have self esteem issues. I was the same way when I was a kid, although I had no problems learning, I was really shy and quiet because of things that were happening at home. But I still find myself hoping that my child will be intelligent and do well in school. I started reading on my own before I started kindergarten and was always in special programs, but I still had a lot of problems in school socially. My partner never finished high school. Although he is smart and a very creative person, he was never "book smart". So, I can't help but wonder, "what will our child be like?". I just hope I can be an encouraging and nurturing mother and be accepting of my child for whoever they turn out to be.
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replied May 28th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Thank you,
I am a bit more sensitive to my child because I had difficulty in school. I found out in college I actually have dyslexia. I have worked extremely hard to overcome it. I was never "booksmart" either. I am now just in my field because of the many years I spent in school. I will always struggle with my disability but I compensate quite well now. I also had an undx expressive speech disorder and had extreme difficulty expressing my thoughts in written or spoken word until around my third year of college, as I started to overcome my disability.

Although Nathan is still a little too young to assess whether or not he has a learning disability, he has a few signs and has been in speech therapy since he was two years old. He is doing a lot better now but I am still worried. Nathan's father, on the other hand, started reading very early and was in gifted programs throughout school. I have always been a pretty social person and have an extreme amount of determination due to my disability. He has difficult in the social domain and really struggles with motivation. We are opposite in almost every way.

My husband's parents and his whole family are globally smart. It just makes it that much more difficult when they don't complement him for coming so far - he had hardly any words at two years old and was dx with autism at the time. He has been undx. He is definitely not autistic and is a very social child now. So, when I hear stuff from his parents, especially mom like I have written above in my first and second posting it just really upsets me. I am honestly glad that my son has my motivation level and social skills (as much as you can at almost 4 years old). I really want my son to have the certain school skills that my husband has. I don't want him to suffer like I had for so many years. Perhaps he won't. For now, he is considered to take after my genes because of his difficulties, strong personality, height and weight by my husband's family. He probably does and next time I hear he is not a "Lee" it will take all of my energy not to say "thank goodness" because I love my child and it's just not right.

I will just have to spare him from the feeling that he is being compared in a family of genius' and continue to instill in him a good self esteem. He is a very creative boy who already loves art and drama.

My husband doesn't know when this goes on because his parents don't say anything when he is around. A lot of the discussions happen when his mom and I are alone and the guys are out doing something. My husband told me that he is upset about the whole "Lee thing" but we will wait until it happens again. It has happened on several occasions. If it does happen again, which I am sure it will, I don't think I will have enough patience to wait for him to say something but will probably just go off. His mom is such a calm- mannered person I will look like I am the irrational one. I can see her saying that I misunderstood everything she was trying to say..
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