Depression Forum - I Know I Need Help

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Q: I Know I Need Help

asked by: seledis on May 26th, 2007

New User

I haven't been to a health care provider, so it's not a professional diagnosis, but i'm fairly sure I have mdd.
i've been depressed off an on for the past three years or so, but within the past year and a half it's gotten really severe. It's lasted for weeks and at one point, months at a time.
Sometimes it's triggered by something pretty insignificant, and sometimes it comes out of no where. Each time I'm in deep I convince myself horrible things which I know logically aren't true, but end up feeling like it's the only possible answer.

These feelings have lead to really terrible self-destructive habbits and constant thoughts, planning, and near attempts at suicide.
As much as I want to escape and just fade away, all I can think about when it gets down to it is how incredibly selfish I'm being and I should just suck it up and deal with it like everyone else.

In the past 6 months, I slowly began opening up about these problems. I thought I had a friend I could talk to, and I always felt a little better when I did talk to her when it got really bad (even though it would usually take me 2 or 3 weeks before I would get the nerve to say I was feeling like this).
But I haven't really seen her in a month and she doesn't seem to have the time for me she always assured she would have.

I know there are ways to fix this.
I know I'm never going to be able to kill myself, but the constant desire to want to run away in such a way is really tearing me apart.
I know my problems are all internal, in my head, etc etc. But I'm afraid to seek help because I don't have medical insurance and I don't want my parents or the rest of my family to find out about all this.

People have told me they're sure that they'd understand, but they haven't about some other serious issues (not in a bad or judgemental way or anything) and they have enough problems on their minds. They don't need to offer up any more bills to pay or worry about how I'm doing or whether or not their daughter might be nuts or something.

I really want to find help.
I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't want anyone to find out. Especially not after the one person I thought I could trust seems to have proved me wrong.

How can I get help without medical insurance or insane bills?
Please, please help me.

Replies(4)

v00d00cita

replied on May 27th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

Re: I Know I Need Help

Hello, seledis.
Welcome to the forum.

You know you need help, which is a big step you're taking. It's a hard step to take, actually, but you're doing it. First of all, you must'n see the fact that you didn't kill yourself or that you don't feel capable of doing so as a failure. It's not a failure. It's so much braver to choose to live than to kill yourself. Besides, you're worth living.
But why do you feel like that and why do you wanted to die?

seledis wrote:

In the past 6 months, I slowly began opening up about these problems. I thought I had a friend I could talk to, and I always felt a little better when I did talk to her when it got really bad (even though it would usually take me 2 or 3 weeks before I would get the nerve to say I was feeling like this).
But I haven't really seen her in a month and she doesn't seem to have the time for me she always assured she would have.

Sometimes it's hard for people to help you as much as they'd wish to, but you have to be patient as well. Here at the forum I'm sure you'll find more people you can talk to if you don't want to talk to anyone else in person.
You're correct when you say there are ways of getting out of that situation. Oftenly, small things like going out even all by yourself, taking a walk by the seaside, having a hobby, etc, can be really helpful. Have you ever tried anything before?

Get better Smile

seledis

replied on May 27th, 2007

New User

Re: I Know I Need Help

It's a lot of things that contradict each other.
It'll flip from feeling alone and feeling that it's my fault. Convincing myself that no one wants to be around me and all I do is annoy people or stuff like that.
Then it'll go into more of an angry point of view, where I feel used and ditched and it's all them, not me. I regret doing things that used to make me happy and get bitter for all the nice gestures to my friends I make.
I feel like a massive screw-up and that no one will like me if they really knew me so I keep this mask on. I don't want people to know how I'm feeling because, really, no one wants to hang around someone who's depressed all the time. Who would chose to deal with that? I don't want to.

So then I feel fake for lying all the time and acting like everything's so great.

I've gone out on my own before.
Gone to the movies, several times gone to bars, gone on just massive 3-4 hour long walks. But the biggest problem is that when I'm left alone with my thoughts is when it gets worse. I thought that at least something like a movie would be distracting enough or that something like a drink or two would disconnect me enough to enjoy some time without out (or at least forget why it all bothers me like it does), but it still takes over.

I'm afraid of the idea of medication because of all the side-effects I've read about (and the fact I don't have a health care provider), but at this point I know the only thing I feel would "help" I know I'm never going to do.
Thank you for saying it's not a failure. I feel like saying I'm not going to do it diminishes my sincerity in wanting to..
But as long as I am going to be around, I want to get rid of this hurting. I'm willing to try anything at this point..

catswold

replied on May 27th, 2007

Supporter

Seledis,
Most cities and towns have agencies that will treat people with a variety of "mental" and social issues for a very small fee (or even free). These counsellors tend to be MSW's and the like.

We all go thru depressing and lonely times. Oh believe me. You almost sound like me when I was young. Call around. Places like Catholic Social Services (you don't have to be Catholic) or other social services and churches with a counselling staff. Be anonymous while calling until you feel comfortable. And everything must be kept confidential. It's the law.

I will pray that you get the help you need.
God bless you,
Carol

v00d00cita

replied on May 27th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

catswold wrote:

Most cities and towns have agencies that will treat people with a variety of "mental" and social issues for a very small fee (or even free). These counsellors tend to be MSW's and the like.

We all go thru depressing and lonely times. Oh believe me. You almost sound like me when I was young. Call around. Places like Catholic Social Services (you don't have to be Catholic) or other social services and churches with a counselling staff. Be anonymous while calling until you feel comfortable. And everything must be kept confidential. It's the law.

She's right. This is good advice. Smile

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