This is a long one...just looking for
opinions. I'm 36, have 2 wonderful kids,
18 & 16, their father and me were
together for 20 years, divorced just last
year. I was very much looking forward to
building a new life and re-discovering who
I am. I started seeing a man about 7
months ago who has never been married, had
no children and didn't want to have
children. Not wanting to have anymore
children myself, I couldn't believe my
luck. Well, in March I found myself
pregnant. We were both in complete shock
and as painful as it was and still is for
both of us, we felt comfortable with the
decision to abort. He was more than I
could have ever hoped for in being
supportive and open with his own emotions
about the entire experience. We talked
often about being more careful, and the
what ifs about it happening again. I told
him that if it happened again, I would
have it. I find myself 2 months later
pregnant again. The disbelief and shame
that I feel cannot be put into words,
though I trusted him to pull out, he
didn't. In the end, I can't put all of the
blame on just one of us, it takes two to
make a baby...I know all of this. I had
decided that I would just put it out of my
mind, not tell him and go through another
abortion alone. Though I've been
struggling with it, scared if I was making
the right decision...I gave him no clues
that I was pregnant...in fact we hadn't
seen each other for the week after I found
out. Then out of the blue he asked me if I
was pregnant. The question caught me so
off guard that I was not able to hide it
on my face. After talking for a while
about how shocking it was, he again said
that he is not father material.
There is a part of me that wants to have
this baby. I can't exactly explain
why...everything in my life and this
situation makes it feel impossible. I
don't make very much money at all, going
through a pregnancy and birth alone scares
the hell out of me and makes me very sad.
The thought of having to put my baby in
day care scares me...on top of the fact
that I have no idea how I could even
afford it. Is it fair to bring a child
into this sort of situation?
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trina1
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jun 2005 Posts: 528 Location: , Lost in Oz.
Posted: 05-26-07 18:01pm
What do you in your heart want to do?
Pulling out is not birth control....and as
adults....you both had to have known
that....thus adding to your chances of
getting pregnant again. I am not judging
you or your actions....I am simply stating
that if pulling out was the only way you
were trying to avoid pregnancy....then
perhaps somewhere deep inside you...one or
both of you was leaving the door open to
pregnancy.
You speak of being ashamed....I don't
think you should be. We all make less than
stellar choices, but I would be
disappointed in him for not being more of
a standup individual. You didn't create
this human life all by yourself....he is
just as responsible as you....and if
having a child was not in his plans....he
should have had a better plan than simply
"just pulling out." Legally....the choice
to have this child or not is
yours....morally....the responsiblity is
both of yours.
Most people don't find themselves in
"perfect" situations when they get
pregnant....if we waited for
perfection....the population of the world
could probably be counted on one hand.
However....if keeping this child is not
something you currently feel that you can
handle(whether it be emotionally or
financially) then there are alternatives
that don't include another abortion. If
keeping this child is what you
want....then there are resources to go to
if you need them. Finally....if having an
abortion is your choice...."legally" that
is your right....but I urge you to look
over any other options you might be
considering first.....before choosing a
decision with such finality in its
outcome.
I will end this by saying that whatever
choice you make.....this man that is
currently in your life needs to step up to
the plate. He needs to support your
decisions and if he is adament about not
being father material....then perhaps he
should make sure that he never becomes a
father again. You deserve at least this
much from him....and a whole lot more.
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Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-26-07 19:35pm
This needs to be moved off of the debate
forum and onto the proper medical
abortion forum.
I'm not going to talk about the pull-out
method. You should know it's not a form of
birth control, and the fact that he didn't
pull out makes it far more his
fault than yours in my opinion.
You said that if you became pregnant
again, you would keep it. If this is how
you felt back then, what has changed now?
Just because you carry to term does not
mean that you have to keep the baby, you
can still give it up for adoption if
neither of you want the baby. I really,
really think you need to talk to him about
this, and the choice of adoption.
If you strongly feel against abortion this
time, then please, consider adoption. I'm
not saying this because I'm pro-life (I'm
not). I'm saying this because you seem to
desperately not want to have another
abortion, and having one in your mental
state is not a healthy choice. Don't make
a desicion that you're regretting before
you even make it!
I agree with you that right now in your
life does not seem like a good time in
your life to raise a child. You don't have
to. You also don't have to abort if you
don't want to. You can have it both ways,
if
the issue here is that you do not want
another abortion.
Adoption is the healthy choice for women
who don't want to abort but also cannot
care for a child.
Whatever your choice, you need to get
yourself on some real birth control. You
need something that you as the female can
do to protect yourself; you need to take
your sexual health into your own hands.
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3963 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 129
Thanked:12
Posted: 05-26-07 19:36pm
I am sorry you find yourself in this
situation.
Since you asked for opinions, mine is that
you should do what you want;
not this man, not this society, not anyone
but you.
Remaining true to yourself is the only way
to come through this situation and win.
I'm not judging your actions, but using
coitus interruptus (penile withdrawal) is
not responsible for a permanant couple.
Whatever the outcome of your pregnancy,
you need to get on regular birth control,
something which can be arranged if you
chat with your doctor.
I feel that it wasn't really logical for
you to say that you would keep any future
baby after your abortion; you can't
predict the future or your feelings,
although I understand why you made such a
presumption. Your partner deserves a
worthy say in the whole matter and you
should take his views into consideration,
although the final decision will always be
yours because it is your body that is
occupied, not his. The outcome of the
pregnancy should be your decision
ultimately, after considering the pros and
cons of keeping this baby and your and
your partner's thoughts.
You have three choices: keep the baby,
have an abortion, or give the baby up for
adoption. If you are leaning towards not
keeping the baby, you need to think which
of the remaining two choices (abortion and
adoption) you are more comfortable with.
Abortion is costly in the US, but keeping
the baby is even more so.
I don't think it is fair to bring a baby
into an environment that would not be
ill-backed economically, loving,
attentive, cared for, and dedicated by (a)
parent(s) of a sound mental state. Since I
don't know the extent to your economic
situation, I can't affirm my opinion on
your situation, nor would I want my
personal morals to affect your decision in
any way. Do you think it would be fair
to raise a child in the environment it
would be in if you keep it?
There is still a lot of social stigma
attached to a second abortion when there
shouldn't be. I'm not going to pretend I
agree with your previous choice of
permanant birth control - it was careless
- but you are being a responsible
individual for wanting to deal with the
issue in the best way possible, whether or
not that means having another
termination.
My final advice to you is: talk your
opinions over with your boyfriend. What
will he do if you decide to keep it? What
is different about the circumstances
around this pregnancy than your previous
one which was not long ago at all? Can you
cope mentally and economically with
raising another baby? Where do you see
yourself in ten years and where would you
like to be in ten years: do either include
another child? Make sure your choice is
best all round and try not to regret it -
you will've opted for it because it's the
best thing.
