Mental Conditions Forum - Any Help ? Greatly Appreciated Anyone Else Relate to This ?

I am new to this forum, so please forgive my long post...very confused at this point in my life.

I am a 27 year old male and have had most of these problems going on for awhile. I will try and break it all down, but please be patient. Over the last three years I have went through the following; my grandma died, had a daughter born by emergency c-section and she had to be hospitalized for a little over a week, lost a friend in a plane crash, bought a house, went through a separation, ex got married, sold my house, filed bankruptcy, parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, hated my job for the last four of the five years I've been there and now quit my job.

About 3 years ago, I went out drinking and having always been a worrying type of person, I couldn't remember where I was for like 15 minutes of the night and thought the worst case scenario (I could of killed someone or something to that extent) and was so overwhelmed I couldn't go to work for like a week and a half. I attribute this to a black out with a bad dream or something. The doctors put me on medicine to get over it. Only maybe 2 months since then have I not been on something and everyone thinks I am fine if I don't drink, whether on meds or not. I drink, it messes up my body, I think worst case scenario, get put on meds to get over it. When I don't drink, I don't come up with stuff like that on my own.

Iwent into a treatment center and every doctor I have seen states "it's anxiety, depression and OCD." My ex used to tell me I was bipolar, but the doctors say "no". I was looking up symptoms about a year and a half ago and convinced myself I was schizophrenic (sp). When I came out of treatment, they put me on 1 mg of Clonazepan in the morning and one at night, Lexapro 20 mg and Ambien at night. I quit taking the Clonazepan after talking with my doctor, as I felt it made me more nervous. I did like the doctors said and quit my very stressful job and now must move away from my two kids (I only get 10 days per month). My symptoms...I feel tired all the time, get paranoid, startle very easily, crabby, weight gain then weight loss, which they attribute to the medications, although I could never put on a pound before. Heart palpitations, my ears seem to hurt quite a bit (like driving thru the mountains) of the time and I sometimes get a tingly sensation in my left foot and hand. My body feels like it’s going a million miles a minute for most of my day, but I have no drive. I sometimes feel like I could get up and run a mile. I sometimes am in the most talkative of moods, but then I’m down. I often feel as though my eyes are wide open almost bulging out and I feel like my eyes are moving slowly trying to catch up. I got a bacterial eye infection, the doctor referred me to an internal specialist and she did every test known to mankind. No thryroid problems or anything abnormal.

I really think everything has went down hill since I started medicine. My problem was that I would drink, not remember, the little OCD would come on and I would go get put on medication to get through it. Here is what I have been on and am currently taking;

Since 2003, I have been on Xanax, Paxil, Cymbalta, Buspirone, Clomipramine (had to go to E.R. on this stuff after one dose), Clonazepan, Mirtazipine, Zoloft, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Prozac, Celexa, Toprol XL and Welbutrin. I currently take 20 mg of Lexapro, 0.5 mg of Risperdal, 20 mg of Prilosec and 10 mg of Ambien for sleep. However, I feel I am getting no better.

I have had every test know to mankind done and nothing seems to materialize. I don't think I'm dying or anything like, but I could not go through this for another year. I have two kids under 5 that I only see 10 days per month, but I feel like such a failure to them.

I have noticed that I have a lot of symptoms that go with an inner ear infection, but I also have the symptoms that I could have anything else. Been diagnosed by everyone as having anxiety, depression and some OCD tendencies towards health issues. I just feel (I know a lot of people say this) they are missing something. My eyes are the biggest problem...I cannot talk to someone without feeling like they are thinking I'm crazy and I tend to start to twitch in my neck. My eyes feel like they are wide open all the time, yet heavy like I'm tired. It's almost as if I'm trying to focus in on every little thing. I tend to become dizzy, really shaky after taking a nap, cold all night, sweating and hot all day, short tempered, crabby, no motivation, no sex drive, can't stay asleep, bad dreams, no appetite or overeating...just depends on the day, no concentration, vision seems horrible, pupils seem to fluxuate in size (which I thought was adrenal, but they said they don't recognize that in the medical field). When I'm focused on something and the phone rings or something else, it scares me to death and I am very shaky after that. What is wrong with me???

Could I have damaged my CNS to the point of no return??? Could the medicine be making me worse? headaches, I sometime feel like I’m slow, I can barely hold a conversation with people anymore as I feel different, my legs sometimes jump or twitch, I worry constantly, very forgetful, no sex drive, no motivation (I just want to stay in my house). I have more days that I think about suicide than days I don’t. Very dry scalp (more so now than ever), my scalp feels itchy quite often. I run out of breath very easily and cannot play or hold my children like I used to. I am very irritable and moody. My mind is constantly racing. I rarely talk to my friends and sometime find myself avoiding there phone calls. I can’t sleep or stay asleep with out taking Ambien, but I can’t get up in the mornings either. I cannot tolerate the heat and will actually sweat like a pig, but I am often cold when others are hot. I feel like my eyes are going back and forth and when I’m in a public place I feel like everyone is watching me. I feel very slow reacting when this occurs, but other times I have super fast reflexes. Some days I eat anything in site, but others I could go without food. I often feel weak and shaky. I seem to have a very short attention span and lack of concentration. When I go into a WalMart or some place with bright lights, my pupils actually get enlarged and my eyes feel like they are bulging out. I almost feel drunk all the time...like my equilibreum is off or something.

I was scheduled to have gall bladder surgery three times, but for two of them they couldn't do it (after they had already put me out), as my carbon dioxide levels were to high. Went to a heart doctor and she cleared me so they went through with the surgery.

I feel like a hypochondriac or something with all of this going on and trying to explain it, is the hardest thing. My biggest problem is my eyes which nobody can understand. They feel like they are always trying to focus, feel distorted and very large. Anybody else relate to this? I feel like I am running out of options and I am so frustrated and ashamed to have all of this going on. Every doctor or psychiatrist, tells me it’s just anxiety, compounded with stress, depression, ocd and panic attacks. I’ve had panic attacks before and if that were the case, this would be the longest running panic attack I have ever heard of and I'm not getting better on any of the medications, maybe even worse. I breakdown in tears, can't sleep, my body feels like it's going none stop and I cannot handle any stress. Like I said, the eyes are the biggest factor for me right now and people have even told me my pupils looked big, but the eye doctor said everything looks fine. Almost every one I talk to says I look fine, but just tired. I felt it could be phsycosamatic (sp), but it is an all day, everyday thing and I also have night blindness.

Like I said, I've always been a high energy person and my mother is the same way. The cleaning spells I go through can be attributed to her. The doctor I see here said they do not see any signs of bipolar and if I had that, they believe something extreme would of happened by now. If I don't drink and am not on any medications, I'm usually fine, but if I drink, I get so worried, I have to be put on something.

Do you think the medications could be having an adverse reaction with me? Making me worse instead of better? Any suggestions? With being on all the different medications (I'll have to admit, some I didn't give a very good chance, because I was in that state of mind..."I don't need this."), could I have developed serritonin syndrome or something to that effect even though they were different medications and most of them were never taken together? I drink caffeine (mountain dew, pepsi quite a bit) and chew a can of Copenhagen a day....no street drugs or anything like that. Could an inner ear problem cause all of this? I noticed in the last couple weeks, when I take 10 mg of Ambien, within like 5 minutes I can barely stand and have actually fallen from being so dizzy, but it actually makes me feel half normal....maybe the normal dizzy and ambien dizzy offset each other : ) !!!!!!!!!!!!