wow, that sounds like you have been putting up with a lot. He sounds like he has some trust issues, and perhaps he is not over his wife. Furthermore, you do not have to put up with someone putting you down and swearing at you. You may think about possibly breaking this off before things get worse. You said he is very religious, but the way he is treating you is very judgemental, and not very "christian" if you ask me.

Now, let me see if I have this straight:

You’re 23, he’s 33.

He calls himself “religious” and yet you stay the night with him.

You have to sneak in to see him.

He has a 15-year-old daughter you haven’t met yet. RED FLAG

You’re worried that he’ll go back to her, regardless of what he says.

Although he hates his ex and could never go back they and his ex apparently get along enough for her to take him to doctor’s appointments. RED FLAG

You confront him about things and he gets angry.

The words “I’m sorry” are foreign to him. RED FLAG

You fight and there’s some kind of escalation to the point where nothing gets solved.

It appears that he takes and doesn’t seem to give you whatever you need.

He makes you pay to get back into his good graces. RED FLAG

He wants you to heal his broken heart.

Did I sum it up properly?

Take it from a 50-year-old woman who has been through several of the things on the checklist. GET RID OF HIM AND FAST!!! If a friend of yours told you the same thing you’re telling us, what would you say? How would answer the thing about afraid to be alone?

Why do you have to sneak over to see him?

Why hasn’t he introduced you to his daughter? That’s a red flag right there.

Is this your “first love”? It sounds like it might be. Many first-loves end up being a “master-slave” relationship, where one constantly gives and rarely receives. But the “slave” holds out for crumbs because those are better than nothing. My first love was like that—I had low self-esteem and he was able to exploit that. When we fought it was always my fault, but I didn’t have to buy my way back. I took it for 4 years because I figured a bad relationship was better than nothing. I was terrified about being alone. Even when the end came I was devastated, but I knew I was doing the right thing when I walked out of that apartment for the last time.

There’s a great deal of difference between a 23-year-old woman and a 33-year-old man. As you get older, the age difference (maturity) difference is less).

It sounds as though you know what you need to do but you’re afraid of taking that first step. What do you have to lose besides a loser of a bf? You have so much to gain, particularly how to be friends with yourself. About three months or so after I walked through that doorway, scared but still knowing I’d made the right decision, he called me at work to ask me how we should handle our ever meeting on the street. I was stunned that he called and my knees buckled (fortunately I fell into a chair). I was even more stunned because he was asking such a stupid question and in an annoyed voice I said, How should I know? Why are you asking me this question? As you can imagine that was a very quick conversation and when I got off the phone, the secretary at whose desk the phone was located told me that he was trying to get me back. There was no way I was ever going back to him and I realized everything would be all right.

I had dreams about him for several months after the breakup and you probably will, too. I was fortunate to have a support network of friends to help me get through it. What kind of support network do you have?

This is the time to reinvent yourself. Change your hairstyle—put some highlights or something in it. Take up a new hobby, something that forces you to be out with people. Set some goals for yourself for something you’ve always wanted to do. In my case, I visited all the places that “we” were going to go. No pangs of anything, just incredible satisfaction knowing I did something he would probably never do. Do things that make you happy.

OK, so you might end up meeting him somewhere. How will you handle it? You will rise above him—he’ll want to suck you into his game and you simply won’t stand for it. That kind of idea gives you immense power over him, do you realize that? You have the power to determine what you want to be, what roads you want to follow. You’ll make mistakes along the way (all people do, that’s why we’re people) but you’ll also learn.

But you have to be strong and never, ever take him back. It sounds to me (and I’m a 50-year-old woman who’s been through several of these) that he wants it both ways—his ex and you. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but what kind of future would you have to look forward to? Had I married my first love, I’d have put a bullet through my head years ago.

I’ve posted this to other broken-hearted people but:

1. Don’t EVER be a doormat to ANYONE, again!!!!!!

2. This guy was a habit you picked up. Time to break the habit. Habits are easy to pick up and very hard to put down but you have to do it.

3. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Make that break a clean and permanent one.

I’m so sorry that you’re hurting but it’s like getting all the bad blood out of a wound (I’d know, as I fell off my bike this afternoon and bruised myself up pretty badly. I should start to stiffen up soon). You have to get rid of all of it before you can move on. You won’t get it all out overnight but over time you will heal. It’s perfectly OK to mourn the loss of relationship, however toxic. You’ve learned a great deal from this experience. Think about trying to meet guys closer to your age; you’ll have more in common and I think you’ll enjoy yourself more.

Just get out there and be with people, even it means mall-walking. It will alleviate some of your loneliness (if only for the time spent there) and you might get inspired about your makeover. You don’t have to spend $$$; a change in attitude, walking tall and erect, and reminding yourself that you are royalty can do wonders. It did for me.

You also might consider keeping a journal to help you get through your misery. Just pour your heart out, even if it means writing “I’m so miserable I can’t stand it” and take it from there. After awhile the tears will stop.

Please continue to post. I want to know how you are doing.

Good luck.

We broke up yesterday. He did it because i finally stood up for myself. I told him how i felt and hung up on him which he does to me all the time. I call him back no answer, left voice messages and text messages. More than 10 all together and nothing. The disrespect just keeps on getting worse because he knows im not going anywhere. Reading my original post gives me more strength to let this go and see how bad it really is. He told me i can screw who ever i want and that he doesnt care if all the guys were to gang bang me here at work. So dis respectful. I would hate if someone was treating my little sister this way. Theres no point in trying to hold on to somethign that never belonged to me. Im letting him go, and i would be so dumb if i didnt learn from this. If is stay with him things are only going to get worse, for sure. Ive got amazing friends and my mom that never gets tired of listening to the same sad story. Hey at least ill have more money now right ha ha. Maybe i never really loved him. Im starsting to think i just had some kind of bond with him. My previous b friend and i were together for 3 yrs. And itreated him the same way that this guy treated me. Lesson learned big time and i got it back 3x harder. Did i love the way he treated me, what am i going to miss? Him putting me down. Belittling me, honeslty what am i losing. If anything, ill be spending more time with my family now. I was always with him. Not one single weekend went by that we werent together.

If he really loved me, he would want to lose me. If he didnt want to lose me, he wouldnt do anythign to jeopardize (srry sp) that and treating me that way is a sure way to do that!! Not worth my time. I deserve better.

God has something better in store for me thats why he took "peter" away from me. He knows exactly what hes doing.

Now lets just put this plan into action.

Im going to miss him so much and im going to try my bestest not to call him.

I dont know why i still want to be with this giy though?

Entices, by the way the tears havent been there.

Is it that i already was preparing myself for this or maybe it just hasnt sunk in yet.

Hi, sweetie:

First of all, congratulations for standing up for yourself. I am very, very proud of you. You showed him who was boss (at least initially) and he folded. Then, unfortunatly you folded.

Of course you want to be with someone, no matter how badly you were treated. I missed having my "first love" around me for quite awhile, although I had enough self-esteem not to call him--and that was incredibly hard to do.

Have you ever heard of "avoidance therapy"? I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, but it works something like this. You start doing some kind behavior that you've somehow picked up--say in your case you want to call him. Then you associate that with something painful or bad--say the way he treated you. Every time you're about ready to pick up that phone, think of how shabbily he treated you--think of all that extortion money you paid (that's what you essentially did), think of all the terrible things he did to you. That should be enough to want you to put the phone down without calling.

From the description you gave, it sounds like your previous bf treated you the same way. Why do want to get involved with men who treat you this way? Nice girls appear to be attracted to bad boys because they appear to lead such an--I can't think of the right word--exciting life style. The glitter rubs off pretty quickly though and all you have left is dross (look up word--you'll see what I mean). If you feel that you're only worth having those kinds of men, you wish to seek the advice of a mental health professional. There may be something you're subconsciously doing in making the wrong choice. The sooner you nip this in the bud the better.

You don't know how fortunate you are that your mom is so supportive. My mom absolutely HATED my first love and when we broke up I'm sure she was completely overjoyed. There was no way I could go to her.

I get the idea that he may not be capable of appropriately loving a woman. Did you ever find out why he ended up getting a divorce? It does take two to make a relationship work but if one has severe emotional baggage that s/he won't get rid of, the other may decide after awhile to throw in the towel (with any luck, before it's too late). Don't do the "if he really loved me" thing--just accept the fact that it's over and you will learn to let go.

When I've had my heart broken, I enjoy listening to music and somehow am able to find songs that capture my feelings. Here are the lyrics to a song called "It's Over" by Boz Scaggs (with a few words changed) for your situation:

Best of friends
Never part
Best of fools has loved forever
From the bottom of her heart

So why pretend
This is the end
You'll have to find out for yourself
Go on ask somebody else

Chorus:

Why can't you just get it through your head
It's over, it's over now
Yes, you heard me clearly now I said
It's over, it's over now

I'm not really over you
You might say that
I can't take it, I can't take it
Lord, I swear I just can't take it no more

(Go away) go away
(Far away) so far away
It's too late to turn back now
And it don't matter anyhow

'Cause I was right
You're to blame
Can't go on the same old way
Can't keep up the same old game

(Chorus)

I'm not really over you
You might say that
I can't take it, I can't take it
Lord, I swear I just can't take it no more

That song helped me a great deal, because I imagined singing it to him while he was stuck sitting on a bar stool and I was walking around him (in other words, he had to take it from all sides).

It's very possible that you cried yourself out because you did suspect that the end was coming.

Because of a guy I moved 1000 miles away from where I grew up (I was 29 at the time). I met him whilst I was on vacation (he's my best friend's cousin and offered his hospitality when I was in the area). We clicked immediately and had the most wonderful time together. Came the day for me to go and we both cried. We both spent money on phone bills (back before they had pre-paid phone cards) and I decided that since he couldn't move up there I'd move to him.

I think the relationship had peaked whilst I was there because once I got down there the shine had rubbed off. We were too diferent for each other. I tried to keep an open mind to him but he wouldn't keep an open mind to me. I went to several things I didn't want to go to (nothing weird or kinky) because he wanted to go to them. We started having diagreements not all that long after I got down there and I walked into that situation with eyes wide open. I knew there was a 50/50 chance things wouldn't go well but I was willing to accept that.

Anyway, Christmas was a very bad time for us. I think we patched things together because neither of us wanted to be lonely. His behavior kind of changed--at one sweet then scolding me because of what we had done (nothing terrible but a little adventuresome). The next time we would get into that situation I'd remind him about how things went before and he said they'd be different and they weren't.

Before Valentine's Day I realized it was over. We had gone to the State Fair because the Christian Rock group he was part of was performing. I went with, even though I knew I'd be home late would get about 4 hours' sleep before getting up to go to work the next morning. I don't know that we sat together on the bus trip up, I think I brought the paper and read it. We barely spoke to each other on the ride up and definitely not on the ride back. When we did speak the conversation was polite but very strained.

Then he shocked me by inviting me to go on a dinner cruise for Val's Day. I actually didn't want to go but I said I would. Looking back on it, the entire experience could have made for a great episode of some sitcom. We sat there as though we "had" to be together (like we were the last ones pcked for a sprots team) and barely spoke to each other. I tried to pretend he either wasn't there or that he was somebody else.

There's a movie I watch every Val's Day and it was going to be on. All I could think about was being back in time to see it. I kept hoping we'd back in time so I wouldn't miss any of it. He just couldn't get me back fast enough (I'm sure he wanted the evening to end). God was in my corner because I got back in plenty of time.

I think the next evening I called him at work (he was an EMT at the time) and told him it was over and we had to face it--I couldn't believe I was saying that. I hated doing it over the phone but I didn't know when next I would see him. There was sadness in his voice like he still wanted to go on with it. When I got off the phone I was completely euphoric, like the weight of the world was off my shoulders and I felt like jumping up and down.

I believed I had cried myself out beforehand. As far as you, my dear, you just have to take it day by day. You may be numb right now because you took the first step and you may end up crying several times. That's OK. The tears will dry up over time as you find your center of balance.

Good luck, and please keep posting.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Camille

i gave in. he called asking me to help him w something and i agreed. i went over on fri, stayed the night, on sat we picked up my niece and did not argue the entire day. we cooked i cleaned watched the fights and it was cool. today comes, hes already awake. he was awake already and i lok at him and hes watching tv. doesnt even look my way and so i dont look his way. the he starts talking about how i dont hug him and stuff. well i had to go because i have a party to go to. he gets me and holds me tight and tells me not to hurt him and if i wanted to hug him i should have instead of expecting to get hugged. so thats that. i iron his clothes and feed him before i leave.

sad so sad, i know. i dont think its going to be over until I accept that its over. if he calls i always pick up. i carry the phone with me just in case he calls. i need to be able to see that phone ring and leave it ringing.

my last boyfriend was not this way with me. he was the total opposite. i am the one who treated him this way. i would yell at him at hang up on him. he was such a sweetheart but i guess i did want a bad boy. he really loved me and i know he would have done anything for me, but it just wasnt a mutual feeling.

i dont know what needs to happen in order for me to want to let go. i kind of feel "well if i have something its better than not being with him at all." i try to justify everything because i see it as im always with him on the weekends. if he was still being with his ex they would be together on the weekends. but that has nothing to do with the way that he talks to me.we talked on friday and he told me you need to be very careful with me because i have 0 tolerance when you piss me off. and im like " ok baby ill be good to you." i know im being so ignorant and falling into that dumb girl category, i just really need to break this habit. i just dont know how?

i know that if i go out with someone else it would be so easy for me but i dont want anyone else.

OK, you made a mistake by seeing him again.

Until you make a clean break with him, this toxic cycle will keep repeating itself. Is this what you want for yourself? You're allowing yourself to be manipulated--are you certain this is best for you?

YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE A DOORMAT!!!! My dear, what are you thinking about?!!!!

Of course you're going to think about him for awhile. That's natural, but you have to let time take its course. Make yourself take that first step again. Do you realize what you could be doing instead of sitting by the phone? You could be learning something new, gettting together with friends or doing something that makes you happy. And you want to be miserable!

I realize that sometimes being in a bad relationship may feel better than being alone but you have to get out of it. It sounds like you're allowing him to mentally abuse you--again, would you allow a close friend to be treated like this? You must be your own best friend and realize you deserve better.

For awhile you'll feel like you're climbing up a steep hill and you'll feel like you're losing your balance and will fall back to the bottom. You may fall back a little but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Over time the hill will plateau out and things will get easier. There is always loss before fulfillment.

Now, march forward, one painful step at a time. Forget the d**n phone--it sounds like you're using that as a thread to hold on to in the event that he may call and want you again.

Good luck and try to be strong!

so we broke up again. he went to pick up his daughters yesterday and i know he went to pick up his ex also. of course i got mad and of course i told him. he told me he went to the movies with them. i was calling gim and he wouldnt pick up. he only called me when he was in the bathroom. why cant he talk to me infront of them, because she was there...duh. anyways he call me about 8:30 pm and says whats your problem. i answer i just dont trust you, i dont know if you still want to be with me cause im always doing this, seriously. then he says seriously, i dont, i dont want to argue and lets just leave it at that. he turned off his phone and hasnt called me since. hes been ignoring my phone calls also.

i just cant help but think what if he goes back to his ex, im going to hate the fact that im all by myself and hes already back withsomeone so fast. i know i shouldnt care and i should be feeling relieved that im not going to have to slave over him and listen to his insults.

im gonna try this time, and im going to try really hard.

its only been 1 day, and of course i cant expect to be feeling better.

My dear, this just has to stop!

GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! I know, so easy to say but (wagging finger), young lady, this time I mean it! Am I going to have to jump through the Internet and take that phone away from you?

Leave him alone. He's giving you plenty of signals that he's moved on and you have to, also.

Please, stop calling him. I don't know where you're from but he would have great cause for calling the police on you for harrassing him. Do you want to have to go through that--for HIM? C'mon, he's not worth it.

So he goes back to his ex. Does that mean that there are no other men out there? Of course there are! Please reread my previous posts as I can't offer anything more. If you want to PM me, please do so (I think I'm available by PM). I'll be out of town for the next few days, but every time you think about calling him, log on here and spend yourself here. It may be more theraputic and I think you'll feel better in the long run.

What about a diary--you can pour out your rage to it. You sound insecure and I'm sorry for that. I hope you can make peace with yourself.

Please keep posting I'll support you as best I can but keep moving away from him!

Camille

You sound like me a little bit. Your situation with your guy is doomed, it's unhealthy and you know it. Have you ever been addicted to drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, guys, intimacy? I personally don't have an addictive personality with the exception of intimacy, BF.
There are certain "bad boys" out there who will take advantage of the fact that they see that you are "addicted" to them and will treat you like s*%^t on purpose just to see how much they can get away with...

All of my relationships are ok as long as I'm not into the guy too much. If I want him more and he does not deliver, like he does not call me enough, does not return my phone calls, txt msg, I get FRANTIC. I get irrationally ENRAGED by the situation and that's when I would call that guy so many times that he answers! Kinda what you were doing with your BF. Think about it though, every time you call him, you are expecting him to be sweet, that's why you go back for more. Once in a while he will treat you the way you want to be treated, (like any normal BF) - that's just to get you hooked. Later he will give you the same cold shoulder, the same disrespect. Why you stick around? Because you want him to redeem himself and treat you right. In my experience, that will not happen as long as you stay with him and let him do this to you. If like me, you like the bad boys, know that they don't have that much of a conscience. This is a game to them, they don't take it seriously. So while, you are sitting there dwelling on what he said to you and crying, he is already thinking about something else...
BAD BOYS WILL NOT RESPECT YOU UNLESS THEY SEE YOU RESPECT YOURSELF...

I was lucky. After dating my abusive BF, I met a Mr. Nice guy who fell in love with me, treated me like a goddes. This gave me some perspective on how relationships should be.

Keep on posting.