Pregnancy Community Chat Forum

i have to start dealing with a problem i've had since about the sixth grade, but i really don't know where to start. i'm just starting to get really scared for myself, and i've got rowan to live for now and i can't let myself keep doing this. i didn't do it while i was pregnant (with a few exceptions when i got really upset, and reacted in this way) so i assumed it was gone. i felt in control of it while i was pregnant. i sort of assumed once you have a child you become a good person automatically. like doing the "right" thing just becomes your nature, that easy. well it's not. anyways, i am bulemic, and i feel like i have no idea how to stop. i don't even know how people who have this fix it. all i know is it feels like an addiction. sort of like a drug. i can't make a proper choice when the opportunity to binge and purge is in front of me. it's not until after i've done it that i feel like i can think rationally again, then it's the "come down". the guilt, regret, frustration over lack of control over the problem. like drug, i can't think at the time i'm faced with it. after i've done it i think "why couldn't i stop myself?". anyways. i thought once i was a mother it would be easy to push these things aside, because i'd be living for someone else. as it ends up i've been surprised with the fact that i am still only human. i'm still a compulsive little girl. anyways... i don't know how to tackle this problem, i've been doing it for so long. i'm scared of getting sick, and i'm scared of dying. mostly i'm scared for rowan. i want to be able to teach her to love herself and be healthy and i don't know how i can do this when i can't even be an example. i'm scared when i think of my future. i use to imagine it fixing itself one day. now i imagine myself living with it until it kills me, and that scares me so much. but not enough to stop. i don't want it to be my number one drive. it rules my life basically. i lie about showering (run the water and just step under to wet myself and actually spend the time throwing up and brushing my teeth etc), and crapping, just so i can have the bathroom to myself. i throw up into my hands and drop it into the toilet so it won't make a splash (gross i know, but that's how far i go). i take my toothbrush every where. i can't just go out like a normal person and enjoy normal things because i'm always accommodating my problem. i've heard that prozzac helps with compulsiveness and is often used for bulemics. has anyone used it here? mostly i just finally reached the point where i can't live with it anymore, i want it out of my life, but i have no idea how to start... also i just wanted a little bit of support and i don't know who else to talk to about it besides you guys... i'm actually starting to get scared. also i'm pissed off. this all goes back to my childhood, and growing up with my mother. i remember exactly why i even tried it and it was because my mom use to go on how fat and disgusting i was. she'd yell the most horrible things, about how my dad left because of me, and i was a little pig, and she beat the living sh*t out of me. i know this is where it all started, and for that i am still so angry at her. she gave me a complex i'm probably going to have to deal with for the rest of my life because she was selfish, unstable, and cruel and i really don't know how to forgive her for this. anyways... thanks for listening. i feel like a douche bag even talking to anyone about this.

Replies(26)

mc4ever02

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this and I hate that your mother made you feel so bad about yourself.

It's a disease and a very addictive feeling. It is a feeling of control. If you have control of nothing else in your life you have control over that.

I think that it is a great step that you are acknowledging it and that it is not healthy. I think you need to seek professional help. We will all be here to help and support you through this, but only a professional will be able to give you the tools you need to overcome this.

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help. But I want you to know that I am here for you if you need anything.

~BIg hug~

ShiningShannon

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

I am so sorry that you have to go through this and that you had to deal with that kind of abuse growing up. I do not know what it is like to have a problem like that, so I dont have personal advise, I wish I did(have advise to give). I agree with Christy about seeking out some professional help, you have already done the most important thing, admitting and realizing you have a problem that needs to be sloved before it takes over you life. You are headed in the right direction imo, you have stated clearly you want to be healthy and live your life as a healthy example for your daughter. I dont know you that well, but I am here for you also. I hope that you can find the help that your looking for. Good luck Smile

HcoBrunette06

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Especially eHealthy

i love you tanya, you know im here for you if you need anything.

Bridget

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Especially eHealthy

Tanya, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's great that you know it's a problem and you want to fix it though. I agree with the others, you should seek out a professional.

You're a strong woman, tanya. I know you can get through this. Because of this and the way your mother treated you growing up, I'm sure you'll do all that you can to help .rowan grow up to be a healthy smart beautiful girl.

We're all here for you and we love you.

ShiningShannon

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

IHeartMyBostonTerrier wrote:

You're a strong woman, tanya. I know you can get through this. Because of this and the way your mother treated you growing up, I'm sure you'll do all that you can to help .rowan grow up to be a healthy smart beautiful girl.

We're all here for you and we love you.

I totally agree Smile

Amber*Marie

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I wish I had some comforting words to say that will make you feel better.
The main thing is your already past step #1 and thats confronting yourself and telling yourself that you need help. Im glad you realized you have a problem before its too late. Your are a very beautiful lady and you have a beautiful daughter and I know you can get through this. Keep your head held high and stay strong! We are all here for you!

*~*~*~HUGS~*~*~*

- Amber

AyaMiyaki

replied on May 23rd, 2007

Especially eHealthy

Wow.

I don't know what to say exactly, except that I really admire and respect you, and I hope that you find a way to overcome this. Sad

*hugs*

Kia

replied on May 24th, 2007

Supporter

*stands up and applauds tanya*

You have overcome three of *the* biggest hurdles ever.
1. you have identified and accepted that you have an eating disorder.
2. you have identified and accepted that it is a problem.
3. you have decided that you want to take action to help you control the eating disorder.

let me say you are not weak and should not feel guilty for not being able to control this.

it is a known psychological disorder and very few people can actually do anything about it alone.

you next step is to speak to your doctor.
prozac does indeed help with complusive disorders.
people with compulsive disorders also benefit from "cognitive therapy" which helps re-train the brains control center.

I don't believe anyone with a compulsive disorder can ever be 100% cured - for example an alcoholic can never have the odd drink of a weekend like most people and not have the desire (at some point) to binge.

but with help it is possible to minise the disorder to a point where it doesn't control you any longer.

link 1 - link 2 - link 3

It is interesting that during pregnancy the urge was vastly reduced.
is the bulimia worse at certain times during your cycle?

oh and foods high in tryptophan may also help to boost your natural serotonin production.
Foods high in tryptophan include: Milk, eggs, meat, nuts, beans, fish, and cheese. Cheddar, Gruyere, and Swiss cheese are particularly rich in tryptophan.
I know you are vegetarian (vegan?) and I also belive you said you ate meat during in your pregnancy because of the nutrient value.
I make an uneducated guess that the eating of these products also played a part on the redcution of the control that bulimia had over you during pregnancy.
in which case it may be worth considering a 5HTP supplement to your diet. (hydroxy tryptophan) which you should be able to get in most health food stores.

trytophan is also converted into niacin by the body. niacin reduces anxiety.

vegetarian foods with a greater tryptophan content include
beans, peas, cheese, nuts, sunflower seeds, wheat germ.

Quote:

Plenty of carbohydrates in your meals helps tryptophan get to where it does the most good: your brain. In order to cross the blood-brain barrier and get in, carbs are required. So cheese and crackers provides a better effect than the cheese standing alone. Cover your ears, animal friends, for I am also about to condone eating the occasional dead bird. Poultry, especially the dark meat, is a rich (yet very cheap) source of tryptophan. Add potatoes or stuffing, and you have the reason everybody is sprawled out and snoring up a storm after a typical Thanksgiving food orgy. But to be able to look your parakeet in the eye after the fourth Thursday in November, you can stay vegetarian and still get tanked up on tryptophan.

Consider that five servings of beans, a few portions of cheese or peanut butter, or several handfuls of cashews provide 1,000–2,000 mg of tryptophan, which will work as well as prescription antidepressants—but don't tell the drug companies. Some skeptics think that the pharmaceutical people already know, and that is why the FDA is keeping tryptophan supplements off the market.

Quote:

Remember that tryptophan is one of the ten essential amino acids you need to stay alive. It is by law added to liquid feedings for the elderly and all infant formulas. Yet tryptophan supplements remain illegal. You can legally buy L-5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP), a nonprescription tryptophan derivative, at health foods stores. 5-HTP is quite costly, however. The good news is that plenty of inexpensive vitamin C enables your body to convert dietary tryptophan into your own 5-HTP, and then on into serotonin.

Quote:

Foods High in the Amino Acid L-Tryptophan

(In milligrams per 100-gram (3.5 ounce) portion, about the size of a deck of playing cards. That is not a large serving, and in a single meal you might easily double or triple the figures listed here.)

Beans
Lentils 215
Dried peas 250
Navy 200
Pinto 210
Red kidney 215
Soy 525

Nuts and Seeds
Brazil nuts 185
Cashews 470
Filberts 210
Peanuts 340
Peanut butter 330 (natural, not commercial)
Pumpkin seeds 560
Sesame seeds 330

Tahini (ground sesame seeds) 575

Sunflower seeds 340

Other nuts generally provide at least 130 mg per small serving; usually more.

Grains
Wheat germ 265

Cheese
Cheddar 340
Parmesan 490
Swiss 375

Other cheeses tend to be lower in tryptophan, but are still very good sources.

Eggs 210

Poultry 250

Brewer's Yeast 700

(Source: USDA, Amino Acid Content of Foods)

tinkinpink84

replied on May 24th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

wow, first off reading that suprised me, i would have never thought you had any sort of problems, you always seemed so happy etc. I kinda know what you mean with the addiction, i was anorexic and bulimic for 5 yrs but in 2004 i went to a psychologist, i went weekly. my bf at that time knew about it and he told me to tell my parents and get help, i finally realized thats what i needed to do and i told my mom and they helped me get help. I never actually finished therapy though i moved in with my sister but they diagnosed me as depressed and i was on lexapro. In dec 04 is when i got pregnant with joseph i was semi recovered by then and was able to be normal while pregnant. I fell back a little bit after he was born, i guess bulimia is a bit different then anorexia though, when u starve u have like no energy etc and i wanted to be able to take care of joseph and stuff. Then i got pregnant with jordynne and remained healthy too, but i still have days where i just wanna go back to those old habits of starving and purging etc. there have been weeks here and there were i barely eat etc because i am not comfortable with my weight at all. I think the first step youve done is admitting the problem the next step would be to talk with someone about getting professional help. Some personal questions i want to ask is how often do u binge/purge and how long youve been bulimic? you can answer in PM;s or you dont have to answer at all if you dont feel comfortable answering them. Bulimia i think is a little scarier because your forcing your body to work backwards and any one time u purge could potentially kill you so i know why your scared. It feels harder to overcome when you have kids and you wanna be healthy for them but you cant get over the bulimia, you wont be able to do it on your own though. I would try and see a psychologist asap. Its hard to actually talk in person about it so even writing it out and bringing it to them will help until you get comfortable. I have this eating disorders workbook my therapist had me get, i got the bookstore to order it for me. there are excersizes in there etc, and also do things like turn the negative thoughts into posotive ones etc. Its better to get it under control asap because i know you wouldnt want to be in a treatment center and leave rowan. But depending how long youve been doing this they may take blood to measure your vitamin levels etc to make sure you arent malnourished etc, because if they feel your health is at stake they may want to admit you. If you ever need to talk im here you can PM me or whatnot, not sure if you have aol or yahoo. I know what your going through. And you would think having a kid would change your perspective and make you stop but it doesnt always work like that. I wish you the best of luck and i hope you get the help you need Smile

Willa Weintraub

replied on May 24th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

wow tanya,it's insane to know you went through all that and are still so strong,even though you may fel weak.I agree with everyone and you've heard it already. Get some help with this so you can be better for not only rowan but also yourself!

musikmaker

replied on May 24th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I had anorexia when I was a teenager and then once my parents found out I devoleped bulimia because it was easier to hard from them. I haven't struggled with it since I became pregnant but sometimes I literally hate myself for all the weight that I have gained. So I guess that it is not completely gone.

When I was recovering I read somewhere that something like 60-70% of people with eating disorders struggle with it for the rest of their lives. I can completely understand that. I am scared that whenever I have .Luke that I am going to revert back to that unhealthy lifestyle. I have gained soooo much weight this pregnancy that I may seriously starve myself for weeks after I have him. I am not saying I want to but looking at past experiences I can see this happening.

I can't even remember what made me stop being obsessively anorexic and bulimic. I think that it was the support of my family and the constant compliments from my then bf and then also my husband (after we met). It's almost like a mental thing and I hate that because I want to be in control of all circumstances. Learning realxation techniques helps I have heard. I can believe that.

Anyways, sorry if I rambled on too much about my fears and stuff but I am here if you ever want to talk.

Jules

replied on May 24th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I understand how you're feeling - i binge eat and although I don't throw up afterwards (I have tried, but I have a form of emetophobia so it just isn't going to happen) and I've tried so hard not to binge but I can't seem to control myself.

Every day is the same crappy battle over and over and over again. I tell myself every day that tomorrow I will be 'good' and 'normal' but it never lasts long.

Big hugs to you, I know how it feels to have your life dominated by something like this Wink

Magical Logic

replied on May 24th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

sorry .Tanya. everyone here has gave u great advice.

i am starting to believe i have a problem with food too Sad

michelle1981

replied on May 24th, 2007

Supporter

oh sweetie, i'm so sorry! I'm glad that you recognize that this is a big problem and want to fix it.

Just know that we are all here for you .tanya! We love you!

jenniek

replied on May 24th, 2007

Active User, very eHealthy

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! Don't be ashamed or anything, go get help for you andyour daughter. You can do it!!

And purest green;

PurestGreen wrote:

Binge eating isas much a eating disorder as the others. The have help out there for it. You should look into it.

I hope everyone gets help with everything going on! Best wishes to you all

ThriftyGal

replied on May 25th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

thank you for all the responses. you girls are really great.

kia, i was vegan before getting pregnant and until a month ago i had been following it for about four weeks. it didn't last long and i'm waiting until i move out to follow it again. thanks for all that info... i've heard different ways of eating can treat depression and compulsive disorders and i'm definitely going to look into that.

tink, i've been doing it since about the sixth grade though there are different times in my life where it's been more serious. it didn't really become that serious until around tenth grade i'd say. there are months where i would only do it a couple times a week, and there are weeks where i do it a couple times everyday. also if something stressful is happening or I get upset. and i am a happy person, which is why i don't understand why this thing has such a hold on me.

thank you guys again. i am going to first talk to my dr so he can send me to a someone. the idea of talking about it in person is terrifying. i've only come to terms with it being serious lately. i've always sort of treated it as a joke and laughed at it.

Willa Weintraub

replied on May 25th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

tanyaface wrote:

maybe it will make it easier talking to a perfect stranger and getting help than someone you know?good luck tanya and keep us updated on how things are going for you!

ThriftyGal

replied on May 25th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

i ment it will be hard talking to the actual dr. anyways, thanks everyone.

neighbours

replied on May 25th, 2007

Experienced User

Tanya, my sister is bulimic and it's had an impact on mostly her but also all of us around her so I can basically understand what you're going through...some of the things you've said sound so familiar.

You should try councelling...I have to say that I don't think it did much for my sister but everyone is different and people respond to these things in different ways.

Also, set yourself a proper meal "timetable". Try to make sure that you eat at the right times, three times a day. I know it's hard cos you feel the need to binge alot but if you can do that and really stick to it, it'll become alot easier.

My sister recently got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which she's been dealing with for a long time. I think it either arose from my mum and how she treated her when she was younger or from a previous boyfriend break up which left her broken hearted.

Anyway, she's still not fully well but she finds it alot alot better when she's really occupied during the day. She has just got a job and she's really in to it so binging and purging arent her central focus anymore. Maybe you could find some sort of hobby or something that takes your interest?

(sorry to keep saying my sister lol...i'm just speaking from what I know about her bulimia) My parents kinda gave up on her after a while because she'd come home and just eat everything in the fridge and my mum would shout and it would become a viscious circle. Now that she's moved out it's a lot better but I think it's sad that it had to come to that. The amount of stress it caused within our family is unbelievable but Kate (sister) had to be the first to say "I want to stop this" before she could help herself.

You have to really want to stop before it's worth getting help because if your heart isn't in it, nothing can stop you.

I really hope you get better, you're not alone...there are so many people in the same position as you out there and others who have been through it already.

I'm sure you'll do great Wink

Be proud of yourself for even coming out with it like you did, it's not an easy thing to admit to.

Good luck Smile

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