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Wedding to Be , Second Thoughts Or In My Head ...

Jay has become my best friend. He is the one I have the most fun with but we are two very different people in another sense. Jay and I are on the same wavelength when we are talking about going out, having fun, etc... From a life POV we are completely different. I am a very capable person that constantly takes my future into consideration. I have always done well in school and have a good job. He on the other hand is a lot older than I am but has a very unstable career, always getting discharged or not getting his work contracts renewed. He is not always as capable as he should be. (I hope this doesn't sound bad, but if I want a truthful opinion I need to be honest) I think as a man in his thirties he should have money saved, a good stable job, and not need my help for every little thing. It scares me that we are now getting married and again I am being thrown into a situation where he does not have a job. (He recently found out that his contract is not getting renewed) The only reason he has found his last four jobs are because I have helped him and when he does have a job, he doesn't make that much money. In his past he had numerous one night stands and other relationships but he was never even close to getting married to another girl. I know he loves me and would never break up the engagement, but I feel as if I have been thinking about "what should be" more and more. I think my family's comments may have something to do with this. They always say that I hope he realizes what he is getting, b/c you are the best catch out there but he doesn't have much to show for his life. (Not meaning only financial stability, but he lives with his parents, and not as competent as he should be, needs to be more proactive in his life, have a foundation for the family he wants, be able to support them, etc...) He was my first (sex), I truly gave him everything I possibly could and in return I got an STD that may lead to cancer. I have gone through a very hard time with things he has done to me or how he has made me feel, but in my heart I know how much he loves me and that none of it was intentional. He had gotten tested twice before for STD's on my request. He is not a good communicator, we think on two completely different levels. If my parents knew that he gave me soemthing that can be life threatening they would be so upset that there is no saying what they would do. They don't even know that he is out of a job again. I have to constantly lie to them so they don't know what his past really was or what he may be able to do or not do for their daughter's future. (They know I have always wanted to stay home with the kids a few years so I can raise them) He has cheated in a past relationship (before me) and has even slept with a married woman. I know this stuff was all in the past and I should focus on the future, but I can't help but think "how could he?" I would never do that IN MY LIFE!!! I know as a fact that he would not cheat on me, but I cannot say the same if alcohol is involved. When he goes out with the guys (very rarely) they drink and he ALWAYS drinks too much. Not to the point where he is puking, but where his words are slurred and his eyes are bloodshot. I worry that this can lead to something bad, like making out with a stranger or something. He tells me that I worry too much and that I'm anul. I really do feel like he is getting the better end of this deal, but he is a good person with a good heart. He does want the same things out of life, a family, a house, and kids. He is very good with kids and does take pride in me. I am not sure if I am just experienceing anxiety or if I just think too much b/c I never thought I would be marrying someone like him. Any thoughts are appreciated.
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replied May 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Wow. . .he may awnt the things you want, but to me it only sounds like he's saying that so you'll stay with him. to me if soeone really wanted something they would work for it. You shouldn't have to help him look for a job he should find one and keep it, no matter what it is. He gave you an std? and he had no idea he had it? It just doesn't sound like he is on the same playing field as you. it doesn't seem like he is trying very hard and also maybe thinks that since he gave you an std that you wont leave so he doesn't *have* to try anymore,know what I mean? If I were you I would out the weding off until he could prove to you that he can handle things and be a grown up.if he changes great but if not, maybe its time to find someone better than what your settling for. please don't take any of this wrong!
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replied May 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Re: Wedding to Be, Second Thoughts Or In My Head...
daley wrote:
Jay has become my best friend. He is the one I have the most fun with but we are two very different people in another sense. Jay and I are on the same wavelength when we are talking about going out, having fun, etc... From a life POV we are completely different. I am a very capable person that constantly takes my future into consideration. I have always done well in school and have a good job. He on the other hand is a lot older than I am but has a very unstable career, always getting discharged or not getting his work contracts renewed. He is not always as capable as he should be. (I hope this doesn't sound bad, but if I want a truthful opinion I need to be honest) I think as a man in his thirties he should have money saved, a good stable job, and not need my help for every little thing. It scares me that we are now getting married and again I am being thrown into a situation where he does not have a job. (He recently found out that his contract is not getting renewed) The only reason he has found his last four jobs are because I have helped him and when he does have a job, he doesn't make that much money. In his past he had numerous one night stands and other relationships but he was never even close to getting married to another girl. I know he loves me and would never break up the engagement, but I feel as if I have been thinking about "what should be" more and more. I think my family's comments may have something to do with this. They always say that I hope he realizes what he is getting, b/c you are the best catch out there but he doesn't have much to show for his life. (Not meaning only financial stability, but he lives with his parents, and not as competent as he should be, needs to be more proactive in his life, have a foundation for the family he wants, be able to support them, etc...) He was my first (sex), I truly gave him everything I possibly could and in return I got an STD that may lead to cancer. I have gone through a very hard time with things he has done to me or how he has made me feel, but in my heart I know how much he loves me and that none of it was intentional. He had gotten tested twice before for STD's on my request. He is not a good communicator, we think on two completely different levels. If my parents knew that he gave me soemthing that can be life threatening they would be so upset that there is no saying what they would do. They don't even know that he is out of a job again. I have to constantly lie to them so they don't know what his past really was or what he may be able to do or not do for their daughter's future. (They know I have always wanted to stay home with the kids a few years so I can raise them) He has cheated in a past relationship (before me) and has even slept with a married woman. I know this stuff was all in the past and I should focus on the future, but I can't help but think "how could he?" I would never do that IN MY LIFE!!! I know as a fact that he would not cheat on me, but I cannot say the same if alcohol is involved. When he goes out with the guys (very rarely) they drink and he ALWAYS drinks too much. Not to the point where he is puking, but where his words are slurred and his eyes are bloodshot. I worry that this can lead to something bad, like making out with a stranger or something. He tells me that I worry too much and that I'm anul. I really do feel like he is getting the better end of this deal, but he is a good person with a good heart. He does want the same things out of life, a family, a house, and kids. He is very good with kids and does take pride in me. I am not sure if I am just experienceing anxiety or if I just think too much b/c I never thought I would be marrying someone like him. Any thoughts are appreciated.


You have to many worries about this guy. When you are thinking about getting married you should be happy and content that he is just what you want.. I would say the same thing.. Don't settle for less than you want! I think you will be sorry.. Now, down the road he might change.. Don't marry yet!!
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replied May 21st, 2007
He didn't ask for my help with looking for jobs, but I tend to be very "google" savy and have emailed him vacancies under his qualifications to apply for. He has completed them as well as his own and some applications were over 12 pages! I really do know in my heart how much he loves me and think that most of my feelings come from three main areas:

1) his past
2) we think different
3) I am a careful person, very proactive and he is not so much i.e. I worry, him not so much

I know that I love him too, but there was so much to talk about and I don't feel comfortable telling people close to me this information b/c it is extremely personal. I am a control freak, and he is not, so this part works in my favor - I guess. I think what I need most is for him to realize what he has to do to get the things out of life he wants most.
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replied May 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
daley wrote:
He didn't ask for my help with looking for jobs, but I tend to be very "google" savy and have emailed him vacancies under his qualifications to apply for. He has completed them as well as his own and some applications were over 12 pages! I really do know in my heart how much he loves me and think that most of my feelings come from three main areas:

1) his past
2) we think different
3) I am a careful person, very proactive and he is not so much i.e. I worry, him not so much

I know that I love him too, but there was so much to talk about and I don't feel comfortable telling people close to me this information b/c it is extremely personal. I am a control freak, and he is not, so this part works in my favor - I guess. I think what I need most is for him to realize what he has to do to get the things out of life he wants most.
then you need to talk about that.if you don't and you just let it go,things will just remain the same.As much as I hate to tell my parents or anyone about some things, I do.I don't want to tell them because I wouldn't want them to start to dislike my man which also may be another reason why you feel like that.If things don't start looking up I would try real hard or get rid of him.those are some serious things to think about and nothign to mess with hun.
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replied May 21st, 2007
Trust me I absolutely cannot tell my parents anything - they are very old world traditional and there are health problems involved. But I do agree with you that Jay and I have a lot of talking to do. He wants this even more than I do and I think what my parents have said has influenced my thoughts. I guess sometimes when you want and expect so much from life, you realize not all of it is possible.
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replied May 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Opposites(sp) attract! We are all different! You need to get yourself checked out to see if the situation is cancerous. I agree, you don't have to tell your parents everything but you do need someone to talk to,I am here for you! true, you do need to sit him down and talk to him, some guys just don't grow up and still need a motherly type person. I wish you the best in whatever situation you make because only you can make it. Maybe pre-marital counceling might help, just a suggestion but I think talking to him face to face, eye to eye will be better because you really seem to have your stuff together. Me and my husband are opposits but I could have never met a better man and I have been married before, both of our kids are grown.
I did forget to mention, if you are having second thoughts, really seriously think about them! Do you guys live together? It is really none of my business but me and my hubby lived together for 13 years and have been married for 9 years next month.
Good Luck!
Keep us Posted.
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replied May 21st, 2007
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Run
RUN like hell,,,,,,run run run and don't look back. I have a best friend in your similar sitaution, except this guy came with two little kids. His ex....or shall I say he is not even divorced from her yet, she abandoned them 5 years ago....the only reason my friend is allowing Mr. I can't keep a job, nobody likes me I am worthless,,,,,,,,,,is because of his kids. Has had 6 different jobs in 2 years..drinks every night, you do not go inot a relationsship thinking you can change someone. And yes I totally agree with you, a man in his 30's should have his $$$$ together and be responsible, saving for the future. You have a good head on your shoulders, jsut hope you follow your head and not your heart on this matter. HE does not need another MOTHER........and thats what you'd be.......good luck!
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replied May 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Marriage is a 50 50 proposition, although there are times when you give 40 percent and he gives 60 percent or vise versa. If you don't think he can provide an equitable (not always equal) life, then perhaps the two of you were not meant to be. It sounds like you are holding many grudges against him, and that will set you up for resenting him down the road (although it sounds like you already do). As for the STD and Cancer part, you can't reaally blame him for giving that to you. It is very unfortunate that it happened to you and I am sorry that it did, but unless he cheated on you during your relationship the fact that he did get tested was an honorable thing, and the only way to really protect yourself from STD's is to either not have sex or use a condom. The issues you have presented here may be due to you just being very focused on the negatives right now because you are under stress. However, from your post it would appear that this has been building over time. I hope that you find your answer with a lot of soul searching.
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replied May 28th, 2007
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okay so she is already engaged, it's almost certain she is going to marry the guy no matter what. Have you settled a wedding date yet? Look you should not have those thoughts if you are engaged. I'm getting married in october and I have .N.O. doubts about my man. He is just wonderful. That's how it should be.
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