Have you ever tried surprising him in a way that will catch his attention? Like, maybe dress yourself in sexy underwear ready for him when he comes through the door from work. The fact that he will actually see it might make him feel more up to it. Have you told him exactly how it makes you feel as well? Try asking him exactly why he turns you down, and tell him that you feel rejected and it knocks your confidence.
You say he spends a lot of time at the office, so perhaps a role-play might interest him, i.e. you could dress up as a secretary and he could give you orders etc. Play around with it a bit more. Also, you mentioned a porn addiction. I don't know the extent to which he uses porn but remember that it's not a bad thing, and maybe you could enjoy it together, which will show him how involved you want to be in his life.
These are just some suggestions, and maybe I'm no help at all lol but maybe try some new things and let us know how it goes?

Thanx a lot for the reply.

About his porn addiction, it used to be pretty bad. Bad enough he was more satisfied with just the lousy DVDs, CDs, internet stuff. We lived in the same room, slept on the same bed, but did not have the concept of intimacy at all. Sometimes lasted for 3 months in a row!! These things followed on yearly trips too, and when I volunteered to try something together he would ask me to go to sleep on the extra bed cos he is too conscious.
But now (after constant nagging I guess) he is out of it...out enough not to affect our life that bad.

I would be all excited some night and do some of the stuff you mentioned and he would start but soon get distracted cos there's an F1 race-day preview is on TV.

But your idea of role play might work...will try it soon...

Thanx agin for your reply.

I don't want to be a kill joy, but act more distant with him. For men, its all a game. And pay more attention to his work-he might be interested in another woman, especially if you are an arranged marriage. He may love you, but not like you love him. Talk to him, but be careful-don't accuse him of anything. I doubt if he is interested in someone he has acted on it, but still.

Dont feel bad, my husband refused to take a day off for our honeymoon. We got married on a sunday evening he was in the office by 6 am on monday morning. He doesnt even know our anniversary and we ust got married less than a year ago. I try to do new things with him, clean, cook, work, and give hime anything he desires and I still do not get sex. He will let me do other things to him but he will not do anything with me. SO it is very frustrating.

Maybe suggest couples therapy?? Honey, it sounds like you just aren't getting what you need out of your relationship. Have you tried talking to him? Is he responsive to your needs? I think you need to let him know that you need intimacy in your relationship or it's not going to work.

I have tried talking to my husband. It just turns into arguments. So I just shut my mouth now. He even bought me a sex toy for myself to use, six months ago he would have never let me! Now he is ordering it himself!

I have tried talking to my husband. It just turns into arguments. So I just shut my mouth now. He even bought me a sex toy for myself to use, six months ago he would have never let me! Now he is ordering it himself!

You know what, my husband did not want to take a trip after our wedding. He was like honeymoon trips should be in an exotic place and shud be at the right time and all!! WHEN's THE BETTER TIME IF NOT AFTER THE WEDDING??????????
We did take a couple of trips to Malaysia and Singapore but it was for his electronics shopping...so pretty much a paid torture for me.

But as Lion79 suggested, I tried some role plays and that has been helping the past 3 days!! May be that will help you (pumpkine0011).
I killed time making a hot bikini top and showed it off all evening and got what I needed. But that lasted 3 days!!
And now I need help for a whole different matter.

Last few months he was saying no to sex and kept saying his body was not feeling alright...and he was very tired from work. As usual I tried talking to him and tried all the other stuff, keeping distance and ignoring him completely at times too. Also pestered him that he needs to take a week off and probably take a romantic trip to ease things.
That sure did not make a difference.
But last week he complained about a pain in his chest area and yesterday we got it diagnosed as a Tuberculosis infection in his lung.
Its apparently not a big deal these days, completely curable, but its tearing me apart.
Unless I get checked myself and make sure I have not been infected I am not to go around meeting people especially people with children. And all my friends have kids and that too toddlers. So its pretty much a house arrest and this is like the worst month of my life!! Its really driving me crazy.

We had planned to try for a child by the end of this month...he was not in f or the intimacy, so I might as well have a child to keep me off that thought. And I've been quite ready for it for about 2 years now and it never happened for us earlier. And now that it all came in place, we can't do it for another 4 months till he is completely cured and is off the medication.

I really need to let out all the frustration...am trying to keep busy with something or the other, but sometimes I just break down and start pouring out. I can't do it in front of him cos I don't want him to get the feeling of being sick and get depressed. So in a way am thankful to you guys for listening.

tanoshii,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I had the exact same experience.

I hate to disagree with an earlier post but porn addiction is a very bad thing. It gives people the wrong ideas as to what sex is supposed to be about.

I doubt very seriously that he has given up his porn addiction, he is just better at hiding it. That is why he is gone so much.

I tried all the things that have been mentioned in these posts but it didn't help at all. I tried to not be pushy about sex because he would say I was too forward. But just as you, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep because he had no interest.

I stuck with him for 14 years because he kept saying he was changing and wasn't going to do that anymore but then I would catch him at it again.

I hope things work out better for you than they did for me but most of all remember that it is not your fault. It is his problem.

Most Sincerely,
Karen

i'm going through the same thing and it hurt like hell. if it wasn't for my daughter i would have gone crazy

I am so sorry for anybody that has to go through this. I too about went crazy with trying to hold my marriage together. I ended up on prozac.

Things are much better for me now. He and I divorced and I'm remarried.

Just please, please, please remember this is not your fault, it's his problem.

Most Sincerely,
Karen

I know that often times when men don't want to have sex or have a lower libido, it has a lot to do with stress. Women are better at vocalizing these things... but men usually don't. I think that because men are supposed to be sex hounds they're often afraid to admit when they have a low level of desire because they don't feel as manly...


Just a suggestion?

when me and my bf started going out he would have porn magazines and hide them from me caz i used to get angry about them, but these days, we whip out the porn n watch it together, it makes it comfortable for him also, i am not a lesbian or bisexual but a womans body is amazing. i used to be paranoide alot about him looking at other woman but if i see a pretty woman witha nice body or what not i would pipe up before he notices her and say she is so pretty, at first he would freak out and look at me and say your not turning on me or something stupid like that n i would just say, you are lucky i would rather look at a woman before a man, i wouldnt i love a hot guys body lol dont get me wrong but womand bodys are alot more pretty than guys lol. i would say, you can look at another chik and her body and think she is really beautiful with out having to look at her and think of sex you no. sme with guys and now we are alot more relaxed witht hat sort of stuff and my bf is also seeing woman in a different way i think, not asmuch omg tits and ass more on a different leval. so i dont know exactly how that would help anyone else posting but yeah, sit down and watch porn with him, and start masterbating before he does, even at girl on girl action so you dont give him a reason to argue with him over "oh your so looking at his dick" kinda thing.

Thanks for all the support people.
Like you say, I know it's not my fault, but I can't get out of it either.
Especially now that he's sick....
Past few days have been quite hectic...running around hospitals and finally he seems to appreciate life better. I guess it takes a blow to realize reality!!
He got so bored and he actually wanted to do stuff together. 5 days at the hospital we played games, laughed around all day...(i know its pretty weired to do that in a hospital). Felt like the best honeymoon ever....

As for Vanessa's post, I don't disagree, but the men with the porn addiction are not as open all the time. I did try to make it a couple thing too. But never worked out.

A couple of years ago, we went for a 3 night and 2 day holiday. The first 2 nights were gr8. The next day we saw a ppv card machine for porn and he said he wanted to try it...I was upset that he wanted that...but i went along and thought i might try it out with him and have some fun. But guess what!!
He was actually rude enough to ask me to sleep in a separated bed in the same room so that he can continue with his fun and does not waste his money!!

We fought all night long...he anyway watched it and the next 3 days we did not speak to each other and it did not even occur to him to apologize.

So it may not be as much of a good thing all the time.

But I am just hoping this illness brings some sense into him!!

I feel your pain, but not nearly as bad. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and things have steadily gotten worse between us with sex.
He, also, used to hide porn from me and chose to masturbate rather than be physical with me when I was willing. We had a big blow out fight about it a couple of months ago and he threw away all of his porn while I watched.
I try not to do things behind his back, but I have been checking EVERYWHERE to make sure that no new porn has been brought into our house. Nothing yet, although I did catch him looking at porn on MY computer one night not even 10 minutes after he rudely turned me down. I cried my heart out because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me.
Since then he has promised not to masturbate, but instead wait until our scheduels allow us time together so that we can be intimate with one another. We work different shifts and this messes up or love life alot.
We just got into another arguement earlier today because I have been trying for 3 days to be intimate with him and he keeps putting it off until he's "too tired". When he does this it hurts me more than just rejection because I actually think that we will have sex and I play around and flirt with him all day, just to be told that he's too tired and "not today".
He had recently been telling me that I am obbessed with sex and that it's all I care about. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I just love him and want to share that love, to feel that he loves me in the same sort of way.
I don't suppose that I can help you very much, sorry for that. All I can tell you is that you're not alone, there are plenty of women (appearently) who are rejected by their men and cry themselves to sleep. I have noticed one thing that helps, well two actually. Like the advice already given you, act like you don't care one way or another. Don't flirt, don't talk about sex, just leave it be, make him come to you. (With the porn problem I don't know if that'll work though.) The second thing is to have a ton of self confidence! He should definetly notice that and I have found out that when I am feeling really good about myself that my boyfriend is even more attracted to me.
Good luck, I hope things get better for you!

I wonder if there are any guys who could give us some insight?

i believe with a situation like this there is a problem in the relationship. I had a bf who sort of like rejected me when I trying to get intimate and after a month or he broke up with me. And we had a peaceful relationship of no fight but somehow he stopped loving me and was getting ready to break up. In marriage prep class they told us that communication is the bloodstream of the marriage and so if you let lack of communication into the marriage then the marriage is going downhill from there. So I would find out what's really going on the relationship. From the experience that I had I learned how important was to have a man that is able to communicate what he feels. Your man sounds just like that bf I had, he never told me what bothered him while he was really bothered by something. And i will tell you honestly something. Looking back the day I noticed he turning me down like that I should have kissed him when he dropped me home and say to him "Thank you for the relationship and fun times, now don't come back again". Not that i want to be a downer but to me it sounds this guy will leave you sooner or later.

I really see how common this problem is among women.
Though its not such an easy thing to live with, most women (married/unmarried) have managed to live through it.
And thanks a lot for all the advise and support I've received here.

I know its not my mistake but the pain is quite hard to take at times.

n_m_zia_girl, like you said, I too went through rejection a looooooot of times and that made me feel like its my fault, and on all those days I too cried myself to sleep. But now that I think of it, I have been alone for such a long time...no friends, no neighbors, and no sisters either to whom I can open up...so the pain seemed to be much more.
And on days I feel really good about myself he does come closer. But that is like once in a blue moon.
And ignoring him has never helped, he is so comfortable spending his time with his laptop, so does not seem to miss me at all.

The porn thing, a really exciting (as I might call it) happened few days back. Found some hidden folders with porn in the computer. Called him and told him at his office that I found them. He was totally speechless. Told him I have no worries about it anymore..if at all someone should be worried it should be him for making this mistake over and over again.
And that I really don't care about it anymore...
But I was really furious and went bicycling...a looooong way away from home. That really calmed me...decided to go back to my home country and decide about leaving him.

But the most surprising thing happened. By the time I came home, he was already there (came back early to pacify me that the pics were old...nothing from a recent time apparently). But since I was not there, he got really psyched. Tried to find where I was in the big city!!
Out of the blue there was a call from the Local police booth, and the person spoke in Japanese (we live in Tokyo now) and all of a sudden cut the call. My husband who knows no Japanese, almost had a heart attack thinking it was about me. That I might have been in an accident or something..and by the time I was back home an hour from then, he was on his knees praying and almost cried to me that he was never going to turn to that stuff again in his life.

I just am hoping this is the last time this ever happens. In a way I am thankful to the anonymous call!!

I hope the rest of you too work your way through your rough patches..and hope things turn out better for you too.

tanoshii,

I really hope that things are going to look up for the two of you. Just beware that it's going to be hard for him to really get rid of this porn addiction.

It can happen but be aware. I wish the very best for the two of you.

But most of all, that you can keep strong and even during the bad times remember it's not your fault.

God Bless You!

Karen