Seperating From Abusive Husband
Troubled and Abusive Relationships
I am 22, got married when I was 16. We have two kids that he is the best father to. 98% of the time he is the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for.
However that other 2% has been a never ending cycle of him getting angry with me over everything or nothing and then blowing up.
And when I say abusive, I always feel like I must explain that he doesn't beat me or do the things you see on talk shows......
He has called me so many names so many times I would never be able to remember those incidents but the physical abuse has been "minor" at least in my, what is probably warped mind.
He has pushed me, grabbed me, thrown me into walls, broken every picture in our home of us on the floor, backed me into a corner once holding a knife but threatening to kill himself, finally he gave me a black eye and I had enough.
I told him I wanted a divorce and meant it. He was the more sorry than anyone has ever been. went to counseling, swore it would never happen again because he was a changed man.
Here it is eight months later and we are separated. He was angry with me about a minor money issue and pushed a pillow into my head to push me down on the bed, then he grabbed my shirt trying to yank me up and my shirt ripped.
I made him leave. The line was clearly drawn before and he crossed it.
Why do I feel so guilty? He is "changed" again, begging to come home and going to counseling on his own. I feel like maybe it is not as bad as I am making it out to be. I feel like I am imagining it and maybe I am the crazy abusive person.
I feel like I will never have another relationship. I just feel damaged.
I love him and want our family back. He is an awesome Father.
I need some perspective on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post and I hope it makes sense!
However that other 2% has been a never ending cycle of him getting angry with me over everything or nothing and then blowing up.
And when I say abusive, I always feel like I must explain that he doesn't beat me or do the things you see on talk shows......
He has called me so many names so many times I would never be able to remember those incidents but the physical abuse has been "minor" at least in my, what is probably warped mind.
He has pushed me, grabbed me, thrown me into walls, broken every picture in our home of us on the floor, backed me into a corner once holding a knife but threatening to kill himself, finally he gave me a black eye and I had enough.
I told him I wanted a divorce and meant it. He was the more sorry than anyone has ever been. went to counseling, swore it would never happen again because he was a changed man.
Here it is eight months later and we are separated. He was angry with me about a minor money issue and pushed a pillow into my head to push me down on the bed, then he grabbed my shirt trying to yank me up and my shirt ripped.
I made him leave. The line was clearly drawn before and he crossed it.
Why do I feel so guilty? He is "changed" again, begging to come home and going to counseling on his own. I feel like maybe it is not as bad as I am making it out to be. I feel like I am imagining it and maybe I am the crazy abusive person.
I feel like I will never have another relationship. I just feel damaged.
I love him and want our family back. He is an awesome Father.
I need some perspective on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post and I hope it makes sense!
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You have already done the right thing txchick by telling him to go. You gave him a chance & he has abused that already so in my opinion you have done all you can.
It is obvious you love him dearly as you are doing what I did, making excuses for his appalling behaviour, we all do it!
He is emotionally, verbally & physically abusing you. There is no other way to look at it. Just because he didn't break bones or cause bruising doesn't mean he doesn't physically abuse you. You have just been lucky so far, or should I say he has.
He doesn't deserve you & you know yourself you are better off without him & it won't do your children any favours him being abusive all the time.
Your real problem is the way that you feel inside!
You love him, think you can't live without him, you can. The way you are feeling is the way he has manipulated you to feel from the years of name calling & putting you down. It makes us think that we can get no-one else. They convince us we have the problem, it's their way of keeping us dependant on them.
I can't take that pain away from you, it is like a greiving process but it will get easier. And when you see that there is another world out there (go out have fun) you will realise you've come out the otherside.
keep in touch, let us know how it all works out & feel free to let rip here or PM me.
It is obvious you love him dearly as you are doing what I did, making excuses for his appalling behaviour, we all do it!
He is emotionally, verbally & physically abusing you. There is no other way to look at it. Just because he didn't break bones or cause bruising doesn't mean he doesn't physically abuse you. You have just been lucky so far, or should I say he has.
He doesn't deserve you & you know yourself you are better off without him & it won't do your children any favours him being abusive all the time.
Your real problem is the way that you feel inside!
You love him, think you can't live without him, you can. The way you are feeling is the way he has manipulated you to feel from the years of name calling & putting you down. It makes us think that we can get no-one else. They convince us we have the problem, it's their way of keeping us dependant on them.
I can't take that pain away from you, it is like a greiving process but it will get easier. And when you see that there is another world out there (go out have fun) you will realise you've come out the otherside.
keep in touch, let us know how it all works out & feel free to let rip here or PM me.
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Re: Seperating From Abusive Husband
| txchick01 wrote: |
| I am 22, got married when I was 16. We have two kids that he is the best father to. 98% of the time he is the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for.
However that other 2% has been a never ending cycle of him getting angry with me over everything or nothing and then blowing up. And when I say abusive, I always feel like I must explain that he doesn't beat me or do the things you see on talk shows...... He has called me so many names so many times I would never be able to remember those incidents but the physical abuse has been "minor" at least in my, what is probably warped mind. He has pushed me, grabbed me, thrown me into walls, broken every picture in our home of us on the floor, backed me into a corner once holding a knife but threatening to kill himself, finally he gave me a black eye and I had enough. I told him I wanted a divorce and meant it. He was the more sorry than anyone has ever been. went to counseling, swore it would never happen again because he was a changed man. Here it is eight months later and we are separated. He was angry with me about a minor money issue and pushed a pillow into my head to push me down on the bed, then he grabbed my shirt trying to yank me up and my shirt ripped. I made him leave. The line was clearly drawn before and he crossed it. Why do I feel so guilty? He is "changed" again, begging to come home and going to counseling on his own. I feel like maybe it is not as bad as I am making it out to be. I feel like I am imagining it and maybe I am the crazy abusive person. I feel like I will never have another relationship. I just feel damaged. I love him and want our family back. He is an awesome Father. I need some perspective on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post and I hope it makes sense! |
98% of the ime he isa good husband?I don't think so.it sounds like he's good about 2% of the time.no matter how little he hits you or touches you,it si still very much abuse.Do you want your children growing up thinking thats what love is? do you want them to see your husband hit you?what ahppens if he takes his anger out on the children?what then?you have just put your children in a dangerous situation.then how would you feel? You are definetly doing the right thing here by getting a divorce.love isn't suppose to be like that. You can be much happier with someone else who sets a great example for your children.You feel guilty because he makes you fel that way.the longer you are away from him the beter and easier it will get,trust me.I wish you luck and if you need to talk you can pm me anytime!
please keep us updated!
Melissa
please keep us updated!
Melissa
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Re: Seperating From Abusive Husband
| txchick01 wrote: |
| I am 22, got married when I was 16. We have two kids that he is the best father to. 98% of the time he is the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for.
However that other 2% has been a never ending cycle of him getting angry with me over everything or nothing and then blowing up. And when I say abusive, I always feel like I must explain that he doesn't beat me or do the things you see on talk shows...... He has called me so many names so many times I would never be able to remember those incidents but the physical abuse has been "minor" at least in my, what is probably warped mind. He has pushed me, grabbed me, thrown me into walls, broken every picture in our home of us on the floor, backed me into a corner once holding a knife but threatening to kill himself, finally he gave me a black eye and I had enough. I told him I wanted a divorce and meant it. He was the more sorry than anyone has ever been. went to counseling, swore it would never happen again because he was a changed man. Here it is eight months later and we are separated. He was angry with me about a minor money issue and pushed a pillow into my head to push me down on the bed, then he grabbed my shirt trying to yank me up and my shirt ripped. I made him leave. The line was clearly drawn before and he crossed it. Why do I feel so guilty? He is "changed" again, begging to come home and going to counseling on his own. I feel like maybe it is not as bad as I am making it out to be. I feel like I am imagining it and maybe I am the crazy abusive person. I feel like I will never have another relationship. I just feel damaged. I love him and want our family back. He is an awesome Father. I need some perspective on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post and I hope it makes sense! |
what about that 2% that holds that pillow over your face until you die? You needd to get away from this man. Most women believe thier man would never go to the point of killing them. And guess what? they end up dead. You do not know what he is capable of doing. You only know what you are capable of doing. Get him out of your life before he hurts you or your children.
I stay way to long with a man that did the same things to me. He told me he was going to cut me up with a chain saw and bury me in the swamp. People that love you don't talk to you like that or like your Husband is talking to you. They love you and make you feel safe! Leave him. Believe me it never gets better..
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He is always going to say he has changed. For a couple of months he will be on his best behavior and then one day he will have a bad spell and you will be the one to pay for it. He will throw it in your face that you made him leave. I would be so afraid of him killing you and leaving your children.
He may be a wonderful father, but he is a terrible husband.
He may be a wonderful father, but he is a terrible husband.
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Be strong- If you stay right now you are allowing him to use you as a crutch. He needs to learn to walk on his own, to have the reality of what he has lossed smack him in the face. He has a serious illness and you can't help him with it. He is the only one who can and he may never find his way. He will only bring you and your family down. Offer your friendship but that's it. Your love is obviously there and you and your children want this great wonderful family, sadly right now , to have that wonderful family is with you only. Sometimes two different people will never see eye to eye and it is impossible to deal with each other. If you do stay, remember to be strong and know who you are and that you are so important in this life, and that is what he needs to realize. His selfishness is clouding his way. Don't let his anger change the goodness inside you - faith
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The problem with most people is they think they're bulletproof-so to say.
We see things happen to other people, but it could "never happen to us".
It does. All the time. Please please do this for yourself and your children and get away from that man.
Good luck.
We see things happen to other people, but it could "never happen to us".
It does. All the time. Please please do this for yourself and your children and get away from that man.
Good luck.
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Hi there,
I read your post, and I think you have done the right thing. I of course do not take my own advice..
I am 19 year's old and I have been with my boyfriend(21 yrs old) for almost a year. He is my first REAL boyfriend...At the beginning things were great. But i think all relationships are great of first. Here being a year later, things are definitely not great. My boyfriend is insanely jeolous and constantly asks me if i talk to guys at school or who is this guy, who is that guy. He gets mad at me when i want to look good like fix up my hair or wear makeup and asks ..."who are you trying to impress?? people at school??". He thinks everything is slutty/whory when it comes to clothes i want to wear sometimes. Also, he gets angry easily .. so easily. he doesnt want me going out with my girlfriends to the bar or something .. not cause he apparently doesnt trust me but b/c he doesnt trust guys. B*llsh*t. he has also come to the point where he has hit me, pushed me, dragged me, squezzed my arms, and lifted me up by the neck... im a 5'1 little girl he is almost 6 feet. I have gotten bruises on my arms.. everywhere. i got this bruise once on my arm and it was REALLY bad it was bleeding inside. his older sister has asked him to the side what happend to my arms and he lied and prettended he didnt know what she was talking about.. he is very embarassed that he does these things to me. he doesnt want anyone to know. He has also threatened me that he is going to see other girls and has told me to F*ck off but next minute he is hugging me saying sorry and not to leave? i nearly break down in tears. i am so confused of all this.
I have given him so many chances... why you may ask? He can also make me the most happiest person in the world. He loves me and shows it so much at times. He drives to my house which is 30 min away because i don't drive... and he drives me everywhere. he takes me to work we have lunch everyday. He cares about me. he doesnt want me getting hurt, he wants to make sure im confortable. He also says im the best girlfriend he has ever had and cries when i want to leave. he begs me not too. he says he needs me. He has gone through alot.. his parents JUST divorced, he's never had a real family life and his sister has recently left the house becasue she got married. he is all alone now. his dad is constantly at work running thier busniess and he has told me his parents were never home all his life. His ex-girlfriends have also had a toll on him. They were LIARS and very abusive also.. I dont understand why he is like that to me? because i am definitely like his ex-girlfriends. I love him so much and care about him. sometimes i feel so bad for him and think .. there are other reasons why he can be both emotionaly and physically abusive.. He is all i got right now. Honestly the love in my life i only recieve is from him My parents totally disrespect me and i feel they hate me because i havea boyfriend (i am 19!!) they are old school traditional parents and all they want me to do is clean the house n get good grades and not havea boyfriend. THAT is not fair so i dont respect them either
My friend tells me: "he is only want you know now. that doesnt mean hes going to be all you know forever"
She wants me to break up with him and leave him. BUt i can't i care about him too much to leave.
I dont know. life is realy confusing/hard right now. What do you guys think about this ?
I read your post, and I think you have done the right thing. I of course do not take my own advice..
I am 19 year's old and I have been with my boyfriend(21 yrs old) for almost a year. He is my first REAL boyfriend...At the beginning things were great. But i think all relationships are great of first. Here being a year later, things are definitely not great. My boyfriend is insanely jeolous and constantly asks me if i talk to guys at school or who is this guy, who is that guy. He gets mad at me when i want to look good like fix up my hair or wear makeup and asks ..."who are you trying to impress?? people at school??". He thinks everything is slutty/whory when it comes to clothes i want to wear sometimes. Also, he gets angry easily .. so easily. he doesnt want me going out with my girlfriends to the bar or something .. not cause he apparently doesnt trust me but b/c he doesnt trust guys. B*llsh*t. he has also come to the point where he has hit me, pushed me, dragged me, squezzed my arms, and lifted me up by the neck... im a 5'1 little girl he is almost 6 feet. I have gotten bruises on my arms.. everywhere. i got this bruise once on my arm and it was REALLY bad it was bleeding inside. his older sister has asked him to the side what happend to my arms and he lied and prettended he didnt know what she was talking about.. he is very embarassed that he does these things to me. he doesnt want anyone to know. He has also threatened me that he is going to see other girls and has told me to F*ck off but next minute he is hugging me saying sorry and not to leave? i nearly break down in tears. i am so confused of all this.
I have given him so many chances... why you may ask? He can also make me the most happiest person in the world. He loves me and shows it so much at times. He drives to my house which is 30 min away because i don't drive... and he drives me everywhere. he takes me to work we have lunch everyday. He cares about me. he doesnt want me getting hurt, he wants to make sure im confortable. He also says im the best girlfriend he has ever had and cries when i want to leave. he begs me not too. he says he needs me. He has gone through alot.. his parents JUST divorced, he's never had a real family life and his sister has recently left the house becasue she got married. he is all alone now. his dad is constantly at work running thier busniess and he has told me his parents were never home all his life. His ex-girlfriends have also had a toll on him. They were LIARS and very abusive also.. I dont understand why he is like that to me? because i am definitely like his ex-girlfriends. I love him so much and care about him. sometimes i feel so bad for him and think .. there are other reasons why he can be both emotionaly and physically abusive.. He is all i got right now. Honestly the love in my life i only recieve is from him My parents totally disrespect me and i feel they hate me because i havea boyfriend (i am 19!!) they are old school traditional parents and all they want me to do is clean the house n get good grades and not havea boyfriend. THAT is not fair so i dont respect them either
My friend tells me: "he is only want you know now. that doesnt mean hes going to be all you know forever"
She wants me to break up with him and leave him. BUt i can't i care about him too much to leave.
I dont know. life is realy confusing/hard right now. What do you guys think about this ?
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I know these are old post but i thought i would say something on the lines of the abuse you guys have had.
You guys need to find someone that will love you for who you are and not what they want you to be.
You guys need to find someone that will love you for who you are and not what they want you to be.
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Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy bancroft and "How to spot a dangerous man before getting involved" by sandra brown
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it is normal for victims to feel guilt. and it is normal for abusers to "honeymoon" their victims back. There's a brainwashing process you must deprogram from and that takes time & counseling.
ldjm recommended a couple good books. ALL ABOUT HIM by Lisa Scott is also good.
Get counseling for yourself...
ldjm recommended a couple good books. ALL ABOUT HIM by Lisa Scott is also good.
Get counseling for yourself...
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