I completely understand what you're going through. My "first" love and I were together 4 years and were planning on marrying. I was 18 initially, he was 22. Things started out wonderfully but as the glitter wore off and the fights began they somehow were always my fault (I didn't realize this until much later). I figured that, since he loved me he only wanted the best for me and he must be right. I was a bad person and wondered why he would stay with me.

The fights increased towards the end and I had a feeling that the relationship would be over. When the other shoe fell I cried but when I left his apartment I just left. No begging to take me back. I think he was being unfaithful to me towards the end. As I thought about it afterwards I realized that he was insecure and jealous of the fact that I had graduated college. He had decided college wasn't for him and took a blue-collar job. I went out of my way to show him that wasn't important but he'd find some way to pick a fight and rub the college thing into me.

I licked my wounds for several years. I think I may have gone out with one guy that my brother introduced me to. I thought something might click there but I think he just wanted comfort because he said his grandfather has passed away. No sex or anything.

This may be a personal question but what were you doing going out with someone six years older than you? That's a big age difference at this time (as you get older the age difference becomes less important). Based on what you've written, get away from him and FAST! I know that sometimes being in a bad relationship is better than no relationship, but you don't need to be treated this way. Would you let a best friend go through this? Of course not! Well, you're your best friend so why would you allow this to happen to yourself?

I'm 50 years old and I know you feel it's easy for me to tell you how to live your life. You may even think that I don't remember that I had relationships that went south. Those things are never forgotten, believe me. As I've told someone else (who has posted to this forum), you're learning a few life lessons. You don't have to stand for this type of treatment. If he won't communicate with you about his change of heart then he won't and no amount of begging will get him to do that. That's one of your life lessons.

Make a clean break. Easy for me to say, right? Well, my dear, that's what you have to do. To put it kind of coldly (does this sound familiar, other poster?) he's a habit you picked up over time, now you have to break that habit. It took me at least six months (mebbe even a year) to get over him and there were nights I dreamed about him. That will happen to you and there's nothing you can do about it. It's part of the healing process. I haven't seen him in 27 years but occasionally I dream about him, I don't know why. In my dreams (we now live 1000 miles apart) he begs me to come back to him and I tell him No Way.

What helped me through that time was to keep a diary and pour my heart out (and I did, sheets and sheets). What kind of support network do you have? If you have friends, cry on their shoulders--that's what friends are for. You'd do the same for them (if you haven't already) so it's time to call in the chits.

I'll bet all you want to do is lay in bed and torment yourself over this breakup. If you have to do it, force yourself to go out to where people are, like the mall. Some neutral place. Stay away from bars--alcohol has a way of making you feel things are better than they are and you don't want to develop a crutch. Join a club, take up a hobby (as the poster who took up the guitar said), do something you've always wanted to do that he never wanted to do (I did several of those things and was proud that I had. He'd never know what he was missing).

You have to put one foot in front of the other and just take it day by day. No one can take the pain away from you but you can help lessen it by doing things that bring you some pleasure. If you need to, see a mental health professional to help you get over the hump. (I AM NOT a mental health professional.)

In summary, make the break, get rid of anything that reminds you of him, mourn your loss, and GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE.

Virtual hugs to you.

Good luck and keep posting. I do care.

very well put.. after that post I need not say anymore except I agree,,
Well, one thing.. you are luckly you didn't have 20 years invested..

Thanks so much for that.
In the end i have no choice but to move on as im not aloud to contact him. My mates have helped a LOT and told me for a long time to leave him. But its just routine i guess. I dont know why i was with someone so much older at that age i just fell head over heals for him. I was 15 nearly 16 when i started dating him and he waited for me to turn 16 and untill i was ready to have sex etc. He was Mr perfect. I know hes cheated on me at least 2x. It was when i went on holiday, i needed another when i came back! He was a bit of a male slag when he was younger and i think it was just in his blood to do it.

I help a lot of mates out but its odd that when i need help theres not a whole many to listen or who want to. Ive got some good close mates who really have helped. Im not one for drinking anyway and dont like clubs so thats not a prob. Ive been out with mates, walking etc.
I think my teenage years got taken because of Simon, i never done the things i should of done so its made it hard for me now.
As said ive met this new bloke who ive been seeing, its ony 2 months since my X left so its rathet quick i know but as said i was lonely.
My X did treat me like rubbish the last few years and i know im better out of it. It just hard and will be for a long time. I give so many people counceling andhelp them with this sort ofthing but then its always easier said than done i guess.

Meblonde1:

Had I invested that much time into a pathological relationship I would have put a bullet in my head years ago. That relationship taught me several lessons, most importantly that love should be between "equals", not a master-slave relationship (he was my sun, moon and stars). I believe he realized my lack of self-esteem (which I still have to some degree) and exploited it as much as possible. I also learned to stand up for myself and to realize that, however painful it was when it was time to move on, I did.

I now live about 1000 miles away from where I grew up and I moved for a guy. I was a big baseball fan and used to go to Spring Training. My best friend had a cousin who lived in the town I would go to. She told him about my coming down and he offered his hospitality. (This is now years later) I accepted and we clicked majorly. It killed us both when I had to go back home (we both cried and cried) and we spent time writing letter and phone bills keeping in touch with each other. I decided that since he couldn't move to where I lived I would move down there, and I did.

I think the relationship was on the way down when I moved down there. The initial glitter wore off pretty quickly and we found that the differences were greater than the things that attracted us. The biggest thing was religion (he's a born-again who had left the Catholic Church and I'm Catholic). I would go to his services but he would never go with me to Mass. I really tried to keep an open mind with him but it didn't seem to be reciprocated.

My background is science and it's the nature of a scientist to ask questions, to pull things apart to find any weak points, blah, blah, blah before accepting a hypothesis or theory. That drove him completely nuts and he would constantly get impatient with me for doing that, instead of instantly accepting something.

When I would come to visit him we'd watch TV and somehow end up on the couch and start making out. It would always end up with my swallowing his seed and he enjoyed that as did I (it was simpler that way). Towards the end he said that we couldn't do that any more and would quote Scripture to me about why it was wrong. Somehow that didn't seem to be a roadblock to him as things heated up. After he was satisfied he'd start Scripturing me again. I guess he was trying to assuage his conscience.

Around Valentine's Day that particular year he asked me to go with a bunch of his friends to the State Fair to watch a bunch of Christian Rock groups (his church had one and he played keyboards). We didn't sit together very long on the bus and instantly I was bored. We were polite to each other as we viewed the exhibits and I watched his group perform. I just wanted it to be over.

Then came Valentine's Day. I really knew it was over but for some reason he asked me to a dinner cruise and I went. I really looked sharp and he looked very nice. We drove to the marina in almost total silence and over dinner made small talk. Almost like one of those old English drawing room dramas: "How are you" (Clock: tick, tock, tick, tock), "I'm fine" . "How is work" ). You get the idea. My favorite thing to do on VD is to watch the move "The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" as I lived near that area before I moved away. One of the cable channels was playing it and I wanted to get back in time to watch it. That's all I could concentrate on. I got back in time and totally put that dinner experience out of my mind. If it hadn't been so at the time it would have made for a great episode of some comedy. Now I see it as way more funny than sad.

A couple of days later he called from work and I finally told him that he had to face the fact that we were through. From the tone of his voice I don't think he wanted to face it and I gave him all the reasons. I told him I would return to him the things he had given me (including his house key) the following morning (he worked as an EMT so he worked 24 hours and was off 4. He had a houseguest staying with him that I knew so I gave everything to him, kind of as a witness.

After that was over I felt like a great, incredible weight had been lifted off my shoulders and went on a six-week high. Never had I felt so wonderful and happy. Of course only one of his friends' girlfriend called me once to ask me how I was, but the rest of them (who had shown me true kindness) dropped me like a stone.

As a follow up, my best friend and her family came down to visit him (and also see me) and stayed with him. I went to his house (I had a new hairstyle) with an almost detached feeling and when he saw me I think he was shocked. I went out of my way to be extraordinarly polite to him (not being mean or anything) and he was polite to me. We all went to a pizza place and wouldn't you know it, we ended up sitting across from each other at a round table! We spent the entire dinner pretending the other wasn't there. I never saw him again.

Second follow up: last year my best friend came down from Virginia to go to Orlando with the high school band for something, then decided to visit everyone she could in the area. She ended up seeing him (in the meantime he had married and now had a family) then me. She said that he said to tell me "hi" and I thought that was nice of him (I would have done the same to him).

I bear him no ill-will, I just learned to beware of the "glitter" and if someone was not at least open-minded to stay away, no matter how good a kisser he was. Another life lesson learned (and I was 29 at that time!).

I moved away from that area but am still in the same State. I've accomplished some goals I've set for myself and, eventually (at 3 I married for the first time after "going" with him for five years.

There's no reason to hurry things along. Anything that's worth it takes time.