Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - I Think I May Be Abusive... What Can I Do?

Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum > I Think I May Be Abusive... What Can I Do?

Q: I Think I May Be Abusive... What Can I Do?

asked by: dave21redsox on May 14th, 2007

New User

I'm 21 year old college student. I've been going out with a girl for 7months. It's my first real relationship. We are really close with eachother, and most of the time really enjoy eachothers company, but more and more i've noticed that the fights we get into are over smaller issues, and they usually end up with her crying. I can see myself becoming controling, and I don't want to be. When I think we're just arguing, she says I'm yelling. Its like when I get angry, I lose my common sense, and I drill my point and I make her feel as bad as I do. Although I don't feel that way at the time, afterwords after I calm down and can see things more clearly. Most of the time these kind of things happen when I'm drunk. I can be in control and having a good time around other people, but for some reason around my gf i'm different. She does her share of things that piss me off, and vice versa, but i guess the problem is I handle it so much worse.

Seeing as its my first relationships we've had our rocky moments, where I crossed the lines on joking and teasing her to the point where she gets upset, and things of that nature, and I feel that I've been getting better at not making fun of her and being nice. When I'm drunk around her though, it always seems to come out. I guess that means I should stop drinking, but the fact is, i'm in college, all my friends drink, I like drinking and partying, but I don't want to keep treating her badly. She likes having a dominant boyfriend, but I think I can take it too far.

I used to do the same thing to my younger brother, I never thought it was much until i've been reading abuse articles, and I think I can be emotionally and verbally abusive at times because I am insecure. we've talked the past 2 weeks about the possibility that I have an anger issue, and after our last bout, she said she thought she may be in an abusive relationship. That hit me really hard, and so since then i've been trying to figure out how to stop it. Its easy for me to say what I did wrong now, but at the time I can't. And Its obviously a pattern because I used to treat my little brother the same way.

I don't have the money to be going to theropy. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'd be able to quit drinking. I thought I could try stop drinking when i'm around her, but at college we are always together so I would basically have to completely stop. I stilll get angry and we fight sober, but i've been getting better at being able to realize that i'm out of line. I have a hard time deciding what is worth a fight, I don't want to be a wimpy guy who just obeys his womans every command.

I saw that there are some men on this forum, and so I am wondering what are the steps to correct this issue before it gets out of hand. I have never hit her, but I see it coming if I don't stop this now. Again I don't have money for theropy, what can I do? Would reading anger management books help? To people on this board who's abuser has gotten better, how did they do this? I'm a nice guy 99% of the time, and people like me, but every so often I lose my temper and I can't think.

Replies(5)

dynamicdebz

replied on May 15th, 2007

New User

It is hard for anyone to admit they have a fault, so I congratulate you, that is half way to solving the problem.
I am no expert but I get the impression that besides when you drink you are quite a sensitive young man, you must be to come onto here & try & save your relationship.
There are lots of emotional abuse out there but I think yours does stem from the drinking.
After looking into your problem extensively, I don't think you can be classed as being an abuser. The problem when drinking is your emotions whether good or bad seem far worse or better. So if you had words with your gf, after so many drinks you will be a lot more angry.
It's difficult to know what to suggest as there is still obviously a problem there.
If you both make sure that when you are going to be drinking that nothing will upset you, let her know what the problems is & explain you want help & I'm sure she will support you.
I would like to ask you just how often you do drink?
I know it is normal for young men of your age to go out & party I still do it but perhaps you could agree to have certain days together & certain party days apart. Not only will this stop you getting angry with her but will also allow you both to miss each other as you seem to be together a lot of the time.
Here is a site that might help http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_v iolence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.h tm

Let me know how you go.

dave21redsox

replied on May 15th, 2007

New User

I typically drink only on the weekends, but that may change as its summer now. I guess I drink too much when I do drink. But problems and my temper do flare up even when not drinking, but more times than not I am drinking.

I think that idea of having certain days together and certain days apart is a good idea, I don't think it would go well with her though. at college she stays over myplace everynight, but I don't see her entirely too much during the day because of school and homework. Although every second inbetween she is always trying to see me. I am not possisive like a lot of the information about abusers are, I can be controling, but I like her to have a life of her own and with me, and I don't think its a bad idea to be apart sometimes.

I've suggested at times that we don't see eachother for a night when we've had a fight, but she gets really sad and says I don't love her anymore. I guesse she is a little too clingy for me, but we all have our faults(obviously I have mine or I wouldn't be here), and being around together so much I think makes us fight all that more often. It is summer now, and we can't stay together each night and each day, so it may become an entirely different story.

dynamicdebz

replied on May 16th, 2007

New User

Even so Dave, I'm still not convinced that you re a typical emotional abuser. However I am not excusing how you make your gf feel.
I don't think I need to go on about the dangers of excessive drinking but you should be careful with it.
Perhaps you could do with anger management. Take a look at this site it is a self help site.
http://www.soundfeelings.com/free/anger.ht m

Good luck!

Willa Weintraub

replied on May 16th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

hello dave! its so greagt that you see you do have a problem and you wan to fix it.that is a huge step in the right direction.What you are doing is a tyoe of abuse.maybe not as bad as some others but its still abuse. Maybe since you drink and it comes out you should not drink around her,like only go out with your friends or stop drinking period?whatever is best for you and your relationship.if you want to save it,I would only drink with my friends.Have a few nights a week where you only go out with the guys and you have no contact so you can't hurt her.tell gher to go out with her friends and that will help take the tension away.anger managment and counceling are very good ideas.if you can't afford it i'm sure maybe you have a health department or health alliance near you who can direct you somewhere to get help.good luck!

THX1138

replied on June 21st, 2009

New User

Now Dave, there is this thing about women, that sets them apart from men. If you let a woman have her own way with the little things, you'll be able to make the big decisions. Trust me. It's actually quite a manly thing to do to allow your gf to do things the way she wants. It means you've got more to offer.
Have you let your little brother know about your realisation? If not I'm sure he'd appreciate an admission.
Drink less. On the night have a couple of soft drinks instead of alcoholic ones. Then other nights treat yourself to doing something different. Take up martial arts or swimming or something.
Maybe she's the one, who knows? If so you're both going to have to do a lot of growing that needs to happen independently: let her be herself by being sure of who you are.
Good luck and all the best.

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc